Drowning in PND - and getting worse

[ImHappyDreaming]

I've not been on mn for years. Hopefully someone can help me because I'm so overwhelmed I can't breathe.

I've been diagnosed with pnd and ptsd after having ds 12 weeks ago. His birth was lovely but I was re admitted to hospital two days later with complications. Four days of hell ensued.
It's a long story and one I can't really write out just now (or even think about too much as I'll lose the plot) but in short I am not sure how to go on. I've been referred for talking therapy with cbt and have had one introductory session, but I found it to be a plaster on a gun shot wound. I know one session is just a start, but I have to live until the next one and I'm barely surviving. I've also got a dd to look after and at 13, she knows I'm not myself. Panic attacks. Tears. Anxiety. It's relentless. I'm either scared, tired or both. Of course ds is still not settled into a real sleep pattern yet and am also concerned his formula might not agree with him - thinking of switching but even this small matter seems huge and is adding to my anxiety.
My partner and mum are 'there' for me but don't understand and can't really help. I am shutting down and withdrawing into myself because I feel like I'm drowning and feel so alone.

How can I make them understand I'm REALLY NOT OK??? Anyone? And has anyone had a similar experience and made it through? I'm not sure how or if I can.

Sitting in my car crying and hoping someone can help. Thanks.

#TeamIMD 🙌🏼👋🏽👐🏾✌🏼🤜🏼🤛🏼👏🏾🙏🏻

The first time I took ad, it took about a week for them to start having a small effect and six weeks till I felt a bit better in myself. Hang in there, op, you will feel better.

I only just found this thread but wanted to offer my support and understanding.

I wouldn't wish PND on my worst enemy.

You are so brave. You knew you needed help and sought it, and knew yourself well enough to know you needed something more.

If the meds don't work, you can stop them. You can find something else that works.

You're doing so great

Unless I've missed it, talk you your Health Visitor too, once you've been discharged from the community midwife team your HV usually comes to see you. HV's seem to get a lot of bad press but mine was fantastic, would come us much or as little as I wanted. I too had a nice birth and was then readmitted with awful complications and very unwell. I didn't leave the house for weeks and my HV completely understood and came to our house rather than me going to her clinic at the Children's Centre.

Afternoon and thank you all.
I didn't take either tablet. I may be my own worse enemy and/or stupid. But I couldn't. I'm still too scared. I went through so much coming off them to conceive ds. I feel like I've failed (again). All I can think about is getting worse before I start to get better, and if it gets any 'worse' I don't know what I'll do. Its catch 22.
Am so anxious I Googled if anyone has ever died of pnd or ptsd. Because it feels like thats possible.
Thanks for all the support. But maybe I'm not as brave or strong as you all have been. Maybe some of us don't make it?

You need to make it for your lovely lovely children and your DH. Please show him this thread if you're struggling to talk to him so that he can understand how awful you're feeling. Xxx

It is so not a failure to go back on it anymore than it would be to take an antibiotic for a recurring sore throat. You're not well and you need to feel better.

I'm not trying to be harsh, I know how scary it is. But don't blame yourself for PND and PTSD. This is absolutely not your fault.

Can you get your DH to hold your hand as you take the tablets every day at the same time. Make him responsible for you taking them

Thank you ladies
I must seem ridiculous. My posts read how I feel - a panicky mess.
Just spoke to my mum and dp, and have decided to take the mirtazapine. I want to do something else (like yoga or accupuncture) in tandem though, so I have another means of learning to relax and cope with my emotions long term. Dp is taking to Facebook to see what he can find out, my mum has said she'll be over often next week to help out as I'll probably be feeling yuk with an upset tummy. My aunty rang earlier and offered to take me for a manicure and pedicure - if I can bear to leave ds after Thursday night. It's so nice of them, even though initially I was embarrassed at the notion that they'd been talking about me. But I can feel that their trying to help. That I can feel something at all is amazing.
I am trying to be positive now. Still scared of tonight (why are the nights so much harder? Did anyone else find this was the case also?) and of taking the first tablet but am determined now.
Mum has come round and dd informs us its National Beverage Day so we will have a glass of wine!
Thank you all again. It's amazing how kind you've all been to me - a total stranger.

I wouldn't be here today without the kindness of strangers, the support of my friends, the love of my family and the care of medical professionals.

I think your plan of yoga and acupuncture with the meds is a great one. As you say, they'll be something practical to use so you're not just focusing on the effectiveness of the meds.

I'm so glad your family is supporting you. They sound great. Enjoy that wine!

It sounds like you have a fantastic family. My GP asked my husband to attend one of my appointments with her so that we could all talk through how things were. It makes sense. At the beginning, even when I'd started on the AD I wasn't able to see a positive or even neutral side of anything. I could just see negative. My husband was able to give another view and could see that things were starting to improve.

Imhappy so sorry to hear you're going through this. I also have a baby, a bit older than yours. Currently sleep is bad and I have days when I cry and feel awful.

Someone once said to me, imagine if your DD was in your position- what would you want for them? Well, judging yourself and holding yourself to impossible standards is one thing you wouldn't want (the grammar in this sentence is all messed up but hopefully you know what I mean - v sleep deprived!). Yes, if you feel you can get out / go to a baby group / speak to your gp then great, do that, it may help you to feel better. But if you feel you can't, and the only thing to make you feel better is to binge watch some rubbish tv, then do that too. It doesn't matter if the flat's a tip (my house is a tip too!). You clearly love your DCs, you're not failing. Really, just try and be kind to yourself and just get through each day & do feel free to PM me too .

I do hope you manage to get some better help from your gp / the HV though. I'm not convinced CBT is especially useful right now - you have the PTSD from your experience post birth, the hormonal changes and the sleep deprivation, you have so much change going on. I've done CBT before and I feel CBT is really for when your life is more stable and you have time to implement strategies, with a new baby there really isn't the headspace or time available in my opinion. I don't think I could've done CBT with a new baby and the levels of tiredness I'm currently experiencing.

Anyway, . You WILL find a way through this

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Please just take one tiny step at a time. If you can, try to drink and eat too. Rest when you can. Listen to music. Sit outside and get some daylight or have little walks outside. I know nothing will really help but a tiny bit at a time this will get better.

In case you are interested ImHappy
Many people were making the point about PTSD having a huge effect on this thread.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/2919807-Feminist-perspectives-on-PND

Sorry I've been at work the last couple of nights so have missed being able to check in.

The yoga sounds like a great idea.

Your family sound supportive which is lovely and I like the idea a previous poster had about having your DP with you to take the meds.

Nights were definitely worse for me sometimes. I'd feel sick with worry and knowing I wouldn't get much sleep. But it does and will get easier.

Whenever you have dark thoughts about not being able to cope or get through it, try your best to reach out to someone :-)

Hope you manage to take some meds tonight and also get a bit of sleep.

I so appreciate the kindness you've all showed me. Thank you - it means so much right now.
Dp and my family are wonderful. I hope I'm not too much of a drain on them. Everyone has their own stuff to deal with and I know I must be wearing them thin with worry. I try to reason that if I'm ill I need them but I still feel guilty and burdensome.

Ineedacupoftea - the cbt therapist said I will be doing some regression therapy and that I'll feel worse before feeling better. This terrifies me. Worse?! She said I should line up some nice things to do after sessions to 'pamper' myself, and I too thought 'what and how?' with dd to collect from school and ds to take care of. My idea of pampering atm is more than 6 hours sleep although ds is an ok sleeper I suppose. Sorry you are so exhausted with no sleep, its rough isn't it? Fwiw my dd was starting to sleep through at about this age so maybe you'll have some respite soon, fingers crossed.

KindDogs - thank you. Dp said just yesterday I should write a playlist and he'll make me a some cds of tunes I like. I'm trying to eat and managed lunch and dinner today so an improvement. Thanks for the link I'll take a look.

Hi Koalas. Yes the dreaded nights. Everything is 100 times more intense, scary, anxious. Like in the hospital. The nights were like a battle to survive until breakfast and visiting hours.
I'm about to lie down and have a cup of tea and the tablets. Dp isn't here atm so will have to work up the courage to take them myself. I'm scared now but am going to re-read this thread and try to stay calm.

Thank you all xx

I'm not sure cbt is right for you ATM either. See how it goes. Big un mn hugs. You're doing really well.

Fantastic that you managed to eat - that's already an improvement :-)
Hope you managed to stay calm and the night went ok.
Little steps. Try and focus on the things you have achieved (like eating those meals, feeding and caring for DS etc) rather than the more negative things xx

Morning. You're not stupid at all! Please don't say that. I felt like that for a long time until eventually I just felt so very desperate that I'd do anything to feel different to how I was feeling.

I really rate acupuncture and yoga. I've practiced yoga for about 15 years and I find the breathing really makes a difference. Have you tried meditation? There's some fab app that can really guide you through. I use a mix of these with ADs.

It's so lovely your family care for you so much. Sometimes just knowing people care can lift you a little.

YY to the night times. I would call my mum sobbing as dusk would come.

ImHappy - please say to your CBT therapist you can't cope with feeling worse right now if that is how you feel (and that is how it sounds). She sounds a bit clueless about how life with a newborn works. Tell her bluntly you CAN'T do what she suggests with a newborn.

Thinking of you

Thank you all so much for checking in with me.
I'm trying to have faith in myself but feel my resolve fading every moment. You all believe in me more than I do, which is both touching and sad. Everything sets me back.
I took half a diazepam a while after I posted last night (through tears, feeling like I'd failed again somehow, irrational I know) and lay down with ds. It did take the edge off the panic but I was awake and numb until his feeding time a while later. I actually slept after that til about 7 and ds's next bottle, but then he decided sleep was no longer an option (he usually goes back to sleep or is at least content) and fussed and then cried for nearly 3 hours straight. I couldn't figure out why and ended up sitting on the bathroom floor with handfuls of my hair ready to rip it out. I thought about taking the other half of the tablet but with 15 odd hours left of the day to get through I could easily see me going through the entire strip of 7 and that isn't a good plan. And I didn't take the mirtazapine. Why, I'm not entirely sure.
Ds has had another bottle and calmed down now (is positively smiley?!) and with dd in her room.
I'm now trying to plot the rest of the day. Am down to one task at a time now - one hour at a time is too much now.

Thank you Ineedacupoftea - yes I do feel it might be more than I can bear - but I expected it to be hard iyswim? Maybe it's part of the process? Am I just chickening out? And if I don't do the cbt I'm left with yoga (that I haven't started yet) and tablets (which I'm having disproportionate difficulty taking).
I feel clueless.

I would focus on taking the tablets first and foremost. Once your brain chemistry is a bit more balanced, you can then work on cbt etc.

Thanks Haggisfish, yes I wish I could just take them and feel good about it. I know logically that I should and that it won't be a failing, but it doesn't feel like that. I also dread the initial physical side effects.
I kind of think they're my only option at the mo and that in itself makes me uneasy. Tablets or madness? They feel like such bleak choices.
Randomly I saw the Pampers preemie ad earlier and stupidly can't stop welling up. It's as if it was speaking to me! Im a mess yet how lucky am I to have had a healthy baby when some parents are watching theirs fight to make it. Why can't I focus on all the good? And the song 'I'm Coming Home' - that's how I feel. Like 'me' has gone away and just wants to come home and be back to normal.

Could you ask to just talk to a counsellor rather than cbt that might make you feel worse for now? Maybe ask if you could do that instead? You're not chickening out. I am having to limit what I do because so tired. It's just sensible.