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Original poster

Drowning in PND - and getting worse

222 replies

ImHappyDreaming · 28/04/2017 22:26

I've not been on mn for years. Hopefully someone can help me because I'm so overwhelmed I can't breathe.

I've been diagnosed with pnd and ptsd after having ds 12 weeks ago. His birth was lovely but I was re admitted to hospital two days later with complications. Four days of hell ensued.
It's a long story and one I can't really write out just now (or even think about too much as I'll lose the plot) but in short I am not sure how to go on. I've been referred for talking therapy with cbt and have had one introductory session, but I found it to be a plaster on a gun shot wound. I know one session is just a start, but I have to live until the next one and I'm barely surviving. I've also got a dd to look after and at 13, she knows I'm not myself. Panic attacks. Tears. Anxiety. It's relentless. I'm either scared, tired or both. Of course ds is still not settled into a real sleep pattern yet and am also concerned his formula might not agree with him - thinking of switching but even this small matter seems huge and is adding to my anxiety.
My partner and mum are 'there' for me but don't understand and can't really help. I am shutting down and withdrawing into myself because I feel like I'm drowning and feel so alone.

How can I make them understand I'm REALLY NOT OK??? Anyone? And has anyone had a similar experience and made it through? I'm not sure how or if I can.

Sitting in my car crying and hoping someone can help. Thanks.

OP posts:
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Original poster
ImHappyDreaming · 07/05/2017 21:29

Thanks Ineedacupoftea - the therapist said cbt would give me tools/strategies to cope with my flashbacks and panic attacks? Help me to not feel as anxious and afraid. She said counselling would give me a chance to talk but wouldn't be completely useful in moving forward? Especially out in the real world when I'm by myself and breaking down on a daily basis. I guess I really dont feel able to cope with the extra strain I may be placed under but I don't expect anything to be easy.
I can't cope.
I am once again really struggling tonight.

I don't want to talk to my family or even dp anymore. I'm sick of everything, angry and totally hate myself.

Thanks for offering advice and being so kind. I may be 'unhelpable'

OP posts:
Haggisfish · 07/05/2017 21:29

You're not, but it is totally normal to feel that way.

Ineedacupofteadesperately · 08/05/2017 10:42

Imhappy, maybe talk to therapist about your concerns & how you really can't cope with feeling worse before you feel better. Perhaps she could come up with a different way to help you right now (that's her job after all)?

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 08/05/2017 20:29

How you doing today OP?

Original poster
ImHappyDreaming · 09/05/2017 01:52

Thank You all.
Too weary and sick of myself to even post earlier today. Been given lots of good, kind advice that I start to try and follow, then sabotage myself with fear, panic, weakness. Maybe I shouldn't be ashamed of how scared and fraught I feel but I am.
I didn't have the heart (or even the strength) to talk to dp or my mum today and they must have been relieved to have a break from hearing it - probably thanked god and hoped I was getting on with things. Which I was trying to... but by the afternoon, I was struggling to breathe and not cry in the middle of Asda's with dcs in tow. Sad

I appreciate how much solidarity and encouragement I've found here more than I can say. But despite trying (and I will keep trying) I don't seem to be achieving much. I am too scared and I am still lying here tonight soaking my pillow with tears and not seeing a way out.

Thanks again for taking the time Flowers

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NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 09/05/2017 03:12

Oh OP.

Don't be afraid to talk. No one is tired of you. Least of all the ones you love. Flowers

You went shopping with kids and a baby. That's tough on a good day for most.

Original poster
ImHappyDreaming · 09/05/2017 16:49

Thank you Noncommittal Flowers (I do hope you were not up with your LO at 3am... mine didn't fancy sleep much either Confused)
Want to put everything in a post because it helps and so much kindness here but really not got the will at the mo.
Am getting to 'I need to be somewhere with constant help' stage. Looked into yoga classes but tbh feels impossible v hard.
Anyone felt this? Where would I go? How could I manage without dcs? Is the medication the only other answer?

OP posts:
Original poster
ImHappyDreaming · 09/05/2017 16:51

I know many people have said to take the tablets. I've failed again been too scared to.

OP posts:
NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 09/05/2017 17:46

Haha no, I'm across the pond, so it was only 10ish my time.

I totally get all the rest. You don't need to take the tablets against your will. But equally, you've nothing to lose if you do.

With classes etc, don't forget, your DS is still very young! And you're settling in to a new groove with your family. Much as yoga will be good, it's not one of those mandatory things.

I hope you're doing ok today. Flowers

Original poster
ImHappyDreaming · 10/05/2017 00:43

Got through today Noncommittal, thank you. Extreme panic which I faught to hold at bay. Am exhausted from the effort and numb. Don't want to put ds down as holding him is reassuring and calming.
I know medication is not my enemy -and can't fully understand my reservations about taking them or why it feels like a step backwards. Illogical.
Has anyone got through pnd/ptsd without medication?
Did anyone go away to a unit/clinic to get help?

OP posts:
NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 10/05/2017 01:29

No baby can ever be held too much Wink

I myself needed medication because I just got that scared. We all have our thresholds.

I only had ADs though. And to be fair, I kind of can't live without them. I had depression before DC.

Ineedacupofteadesperately · 10/05/2017 11:12

Honestly I wouldn’t put too much mental energy into yoga classes unless you really really want to do them. It's the sort of thing I've been advised from well meaning people who have no idea of the practicalities (I have no family to help). I simply can't cope with putting pressure on myself to do such things at the moment. My mantra at the moment is if both children are fed, mostly clean and well the day is a success even if nothing else is done. Have you tried calling the pandas helpline? They might be able to advise about what help is available, and also just listen....www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/how-we-can-help/

Original poster
ImHappyDreaming · 12/05/2017 00:13

After a difficult week and so much backwards and forwards I am going to take the tablets tonight.
I am so, so scared. But exhausted and so upset and at my wits end I have to do something.
Please someone tell me this is the right thing and the first step to getting better. Honestly I don't think it could get worse.
If the tablets don't help me soon I will ask to be sent away somewhere for help. I can't go on unaided. It's too much for dd, dp, my mum or family to cope with me.
I can't see any other way. Am praying they will be a miracle and feel like my life depends on them (which is partly what I didn't want and am scared of.)

Thanks again to everyone who has posted thus far and been so so kind.

OP posts:
LapinR0se · 12/05/2017 07:42

I'm so sorry to hear how hard things are for you. If you are not able to take the medication can you make your husband responsible for it? He could sit by you while you take the pill every day.
Also if you do really think going somewhere for extra support would help you then maybe that's not a bad option Flowers

Original poster
ImHappyDreaming · 12/05/2017 10:27

Thank you Lapin Flowers
I did take the mirtazapine last night. Dp literally held my hand.
I cried myself to sleep. I don't know why I feel so bad about it. Sad
I already feel on edge and groggy but that could be me expecting to feel rough. We'll see.
Ds seemed fractious too but I walked round the shops and he fell asleep. I hope I can get through today.

OP posts:
LapinR0se · 12/05/2017 10:37

You will get through. Just take one hour at a time. Please hold your DPs hand tonight and take your tablet again

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 12/05/2017 15:53

If a hand hold is what helps, do it.

You can and will get through this. This is already a huge step.

KoalasAteMyHomework · 14/05/2017 15:52

How are you OP?

KindDogsTail · 14/05/2017 19:23

I hope you are feeling as peaceful as you can ImHappyDreaming.
Have you had plenty of water to drink and something to eat?
Can you watch a programme you like or listen to something on the radio?

Original poster
ImHappyDreaming · 15/05/2017 01:04

Thank you for the continued support ladies.

I am about to take day 3 of the mirtazapine. I've had to take diazepam also for the panic as well as for excruciatingly tense and sore muscles.

I still feel awful but am just hiding it well since I think everyone is just expecting the tablets to just 'work' instantly. I know it will take time but feel under pressure to act like they're having some immediate effect.
No one understands I still feel like crap.

I feel like taking the whole box. Sad

OP posts:
NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 15/05/2017 01:23

While people will be very positive about your taking the meds, they'll more than likely understand that it won't be a magic solution.

They might seem over optimistic towards you, but do keep the lines of communication open. It's important to keep talking, too.

3 days is a big thing Flowers

OkPedro · 15/05/2017 01:46

imhappy I've tears in my eyes reading your posts. I was in your position this time 5 years ago.

The panic, the guilt, the fear and feeling like burden. Keep taking those meds. Talk to your dp and Mum they are NOT fed up of you. They want you to be well.
You will be well again. The fear and panic will go away but please keep going. Give the meds a chance. You can do this 💪

Original poster
ImHappyDreaming · 15/05/2017 01:51

Thanks Noncommittal.

I think they are thinking/hoping magic solution. I think they are 'over it' while I feel frightened, alone and physically worse than before. It was a double edged sword taking the meds. Now I should be getting better. Problem solved. No excuses and apparently end of support.
It was/is huge for me to be on day 3 and I still fluctuate every second between flushing them all down the loo and swallowing them all with a mug of wine.

Was lying on the sofa with ds feeling like I'd been run over by a bus, dd was asking something about homework (which I can't remember if I answered Confused and feel really bad about) and dp came in and took ds away to bedroom.

No one came back to check on me or ask if I was alright. I just lapsed in and out of sleep, pain and continual starting awake with anxiety for a couple of hours.

I tried really hard today but it has all collapsed on top of me again. If it wasn't for ds (dd would understand, perhaps even concur if I explained it to her but he wouldn't) I would go somewhere and beg them to put me to sleep for a week so I wouldn't have to worry, feel panic or pain or despair. I could just disappear and try to heal.
I can't believe I'll ever be ok again. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
ImHappyDreaming · 15/05/2017 01:57

Thanks OkPedro.
Hope you are feeling much better now. How did you do it? All I seem to fantasize about these last couple of days is swallowing pills.
I don't want to die - I just don't want to feel anything for a while. Just a few days.

OP posts:
OkPedro · 15/05/2017 02:10

I know that feeling imhappy I felt pain but was so empty and numb, I couldn't feel anything. It was such a head fuck. I can remember getting into my car without the dc, driving in traffic and actually visualising putting my foot down hard and driving into the back of the car in front. I just wanted to not be here anymore. The pain, the exhaustion the tears. I'd never felt so lost.
The antids saved my life honestly.. it took 2/3 weeks. You have a supportive dp and Mum. I didn't have that but I still made it through. YOU CAN DO THIS!
My ds will be 6 this year. I'm here, I'm well and have a great bond with ds. It's not been easy but I don't recognise that person from 5 years ago.
Wish I could give you a hug now and take away some of your pain.
You will be ok, just accept any help all of the help Flowers