Drowning in PND - and getting worse

[ImHappyDreaming]

I've not been on mn for years. Hopefully someone can help me because I'm so overwhelmed I can't breathe.

I've been diagnosed with pnd and ptsd after having ds 12 weeks ago. His birth was lovely but I was re admitted to hospital two days later with complications. Four days of hell ensued.
It's a long story and one I can't really write out just now (or even think about too much as I'll lose the plot) but in short I am not sure how to go on. I've been referred for talking therapy with cbt and have had one introductory session, but I found it to be a plaster on a gun shot wound. I know one session is just a start, but I have to live until the next one and I'm barely surviving. I've also got a dd to look after and at 13, she knows I'm not myself. Panic attacks. Tears. Anxiety. It's relentless. I'm either scared, tired or both. Of course ds is still not settled into a real sleep pattern yet and am also concerned his formula might not agree with him - thinking of switching but even this small matter seems huge and is adding to my anxiety.
My partner and mum are 'there' for me but don't understand and can't really help. I am shutting down and withdrawing into myself because I feel like I'm drowning and feel so alone.

How can I make them understand I'm REALLY NOT OK??? Anyone? And has anyone had a similar experience and made it through? I'm not sure how or if I can.

Sitting in my car crying and hoping someone can help. Thanks.

Sounds so very hard OP, i was a mess after DD was born but it only last about 2/3 months thankfully. Inended up with emcs and at some point during the labour I had wacked my ring finger off a bedrail or DH which caused my swollen finger to essentially burst and nobody noticed - not even me! After four nights in hospital my friend visiting saw it and brought it to my attention. The rings were cut off. I spent every waking second not taken up by worrying about DD worrying about getting an infection in my finger and either dying or passing it on via breastmilk .

My only advice is to not be hard on yourself, accept that you may be a bit weepy i was weepy for three months and still have wobbles which I never used to previous to having DD and dont put pressure on yourself. You have already accepted that you have PND and that a hige step and frwat that you have cbt to help you get back to the old you. It may not feel like it, it may feel like every second brings impending doom, but it shall pass. Wether with time and your hormones levelling out after your pregnancy or with cbt and time. Time is the greatest healer and all that.

I remember saying to DH, "how the fuck am I supposed to go into the kitchen when I cant leave her alone in a room" I was worried to take her in with me because dangers such as bleach and knives are in the kitchen.

It does get better and you arendoig everything right tontry and help the process along. Sorry if not much help, am thinking of you and sending strength.

Hi OP, I just wanted to reassure you that it will get better, I was feeling the exact same way as you 6 months ago, my anxiety was so bad I stopped going out, even going to the shop triggered a panic attack.

I've had CBT which I found a struggle at first but did help a bit after a few sessions.

The things I've felt made the most difference is going to yoga once a week, I use the relaxation breathing techniques from yoga to help stop the panic when I feel it rising and I'm doing the 100 happy days challenge where you photograph one thing that makes you happy each day, it helps me focus on the small things that are good instead of feeling like everything is awful all the time. The more I've done it the more good things I notice.

My little one is 8 months now and this week we did our first baby class since before Christmas and I've booked for the whole term which is a massive thing for me as previously I felt too overwhelmed to commit to 10 whole weeks of something!

I'm not 100% better but I'm getting better slowly and feeling more able to cope slowly but surely.

for you and and unmumsnetty hug x

There's a Facebook group called Mummy On The Mend it's run by an amazing woman and she holds groups weekly. I know it doesn't seem like much but sometimes having someone who is in the trenches with you can help x

Hi OP how's it going today? Been thinking about you. Definitely sort a GP appt for next week and an hour at a time until then sounds like a great plan - well done. You are being very receptive and positive on this thread which I'm sure must be really, really difficult so that's a massive achievement!!

Could you maybe treat yourself to a meal out later as something to focus on today? And no cooking / cleaning up after!

Any friends / family you could visit tomorrow? Ideally someone who you can confide in and admit that your struggling so need a focus / someone to look after you for a couple of hours.

Soon it will be tomorrow and that's another day done.

Thanks to everyone, am finding your support so helpful.

I'm trying to keep busy today even though I woke up with a raging headache, probably because I ate virtually nothing yesterday. Have eaten this morning and feel a bit better.
My mum is coming round this afternoon so at least I can maybe have a bath instead of the usual 5 minute shower.
I'm not sure how I feel about going out visiting as when I feel panicky I really can't hide it and I don't want to be a drag.
Am going to watch a movie with dd while ds is sleeping (well at the moment he is...) and try to relax. I do feel quite anxious - would a glass of wine be inappropriate? Don't want to be drowning my sorrows so its hard to know if it would just be having a glass or not?

If you a gin and tonic person, I find just a tall glass of tonic with lemon and ice makes me feel good without the gin (it's all in my head). A tall tonic, a nice bath, drop of lavender oil, clean towels and pyjamas, hand cream all over my feet after wards with fluffy socks - really I'm quite a cheap date.

If you have a preferred GP can I suggest you ask for a double appointment with them ? It takes longer to talk through options than a quick "open your mouth, say AHHH, yes you need antibiotics" sort of appointment. And you don't want to feel like you're being rushed.

@didireallysaythat yes yes to the feeling like you're treating yourself to a G&T when it's actually just a G. Where abouts are you based OP? If you want to say at all! Xx

Imhappy sorry, was typing on my phone this morning, cpn is Community Psychiatric Nurse, they work as part of the community mental health team and they usually visit your home. I'd had a hospital referral from my health visitor which had identified I needed more help, but there was a wait list, so the nurse was there to make sure I wasn't getting any worse in the meantime.

It was a bit of a nudge on those days, as I was scared of being judged (even though they didn't), so would make sure I was showered and dressed, my daughter was in clean clothes, the house was vaguely presentable. The cbt had a similar impact, it forced me to overcome the anxiety of leaving the house.

It still took ADs to sort me out properly, but it just helped me level where I was and not sink any further as left to my own devices I would have stayed in bed, not washed or got dressed.

I know you're not keen on the ADs, but it will help you. You are sick and this will help make you better. If the withdrawal last time was bad, then ask for help this time and take it really slowly. Mild depression can be sorted with exercise and other tools like cbt, but once it gets bad, it's so much harder if you don't use the medication. You don't have to rush into coming off them, I reduced the dose very slowly and
any time it felt like I wasn't coping, I'd go back up to the previous dose until I felt ok again.

One of the things we covered in our group CBT was the importance of going outside each day, even if just to the end of the road and back. Another was breaking things into small blocks, and scoring things on how hard they were to do and how we felt afterwards. So if the house needed cleaning, just do one room. It may be before the PND that it would be a job that wouldn't even need thinking about, but now scored 8/10 in difficulty as it was a big effort and took lots of energy. Anything that was hard should then be rewarded by something that made us feel good - for me, that was painting my nails, so it didn't have to be a big thing.

Keep talking on here when things get bad, there are plenty who've been where you are who will try to pull you through

Glass of wine relaxes me enough to go to sleep.

Thanks again for the suggestions and kind advice.
Yesterday I felt a bit lighter and more hopeful?
Today I've woken up in the gutter again. I just feel like screaming and screaming and never stopping. I feel bad for my dcs, they deserve better than a mess for a mum. I would never leave them, yet simultaneously want to get in my car and drive far away.

I just want to feel better. I know it won't happen by magic. But everything feels insurmountable.

Terrible day. So scared and anxious. Not coping at all. Feel so bad for dcs

Dp and I have decided to call the doctors first thing in the morning. Am terrified of what will happen. If dp, who loves me is worried I cannot cope, what will drs say??? The authorities? They don't knpw I would never, ever hurt or neglect dcs.

Although stupid stupid me. Am neglecting them by not being together.

I was like this 3 years ago when my DS was born although my trauma was related to the actual birth.

I remember a time when the only way I got through each day was by phoning the Samaritans. One time a lady on the phone was so lovely to me that I just sobbed for what felt like hours.

You can get through this. On the worst days I used to get through 30 minute slots and not allow myself to think about anything else. I can understand your reluctance to take medication but it was a lifesaver for me, it helped just enough to put me on an even keel.

Good luck at the doctors tomorrow, you are stronger than you know

The GP will not do anything remotely drastic. They will just get you help & support. So glad you are calling them tomorrow. This is the beginning of betrer days

And don't worry about authorities etc. I disclosed to my GP that I was suicidal and that I had intrusive thoughts, nothing bad happened as a result.

This is post-natal depression OP, you have it now but you won't have it forever and you can and will get help. You will be ok, hold on.

I have just finished taking ADs for PND. DC3 is nearly 15mo but I held out until he was 6mo or so to start taking them.

In retrospect I wish I had started earlier as they made a massive difference. Coming off them has been ok, not as bad as I feared.

At this stage I do yoga twice a week and go to cbt once a fortnight but back in the bad old days I found it desperately hard just leaving the house so those things just weren't happening. Once I got on to an even keel with the meds I was able to start.

I hope things improve for you very soon.

All I could think about today was the four days in hospital with ds after I was re admitted. Details I'd somehow forced down came back - the drip in my arm, the view from the window in my room, the crying of babies all night as I nursed ds or held him all night terrified someone would come and take him away. The mammoth task at 3am of getting out of the bed, putting ds in the cot, getting to the bathroom - the PAIN. The endless obs and meds. Feeling terrified and worrying about dd at home. The first 48 hours of ds's life were perfect and I feel like I let him down? By being in hospital instead of at home, with family, safe. This sounds so stupid. I can't even unpack my hospital bag and ds is 12 weeks. I tried once but ended in a state.
Have to top n tail ds now and see if dd has finished homework. Got to try and get some things right.
Thank you for responses. Feeling a bit calmer about the drs.

I waited 18 months of pure terror and emotional torture OP before I confined in a GP for the same reasons you have said. Nearly 6 months on I'm on ADs, no social involvement because I now realise I was sick. Not because I was neglecting or harming my children. Please do go to the GP and be as honest as you can. I'm not back to 100% but I'm so much better than I was. It's nothing to be ashamed of. X

OP, your kids deserve you, please don't think they don't.
I think you and your husband should visit your GP and tell him/her everything. That you feel
Like driving away, that you feel like you're not coping. Please try and take medication if you can. This is PND, this is not your fault and you will get better. The authorities will not take your children.
Spill it all out at CBT too. We are all thinking of you and wishing you a recovery

I think you are incredibly brave OP, your children are so very lucky to have a mum that is fighting so very hard to get well and care for them.

Great that you are going to see the GP. The fact that you seem so self aware and keen to get help are positive signs, so I really wouldn't worry about being open with your Dr, and yes if your OH can go too that may be good for both of you.

Anything else I could say sounds rather cheesy...but this will pass, it will get easier and you will get stronger. Try to believe in yourself.

Keep posting here if it helps, there are lots of us who have walked similar journeys and are cheering you on in yours.

xx

Can I be honest and speak from a health professional pointbof view . It sounds like you need a good break to sort everything out , that includes medications, psychological support, rest and care of you . Without this your journey may not be properly resolved and you may not get the best help to help u and your baby . In my opinion I think s hospital stay for u and baby in a mother and baby unit will get u both the help u need and allow for u to rest x

I'm so sorry. I had PND and I promise you it WILL get better.

Do you have a contact number for your peri natal team? Your HV will give you it or you can speak to your GP.

Has anyone offered you medication? Do you have a partner/family/friend support nearby? Just speaking on this is a great step as it gets it out of your head.

I know you've just had a baby but can you email yourself how you're feeling? Just to get it all out? Right before bed or at times of stress are the best times.

I know I've already said this but you WILL feel better, PND is fucking awful.

Please message me if you need someone to talk to, I've been there.

I was on sertraline through pregnancy and after pregnancy. I breastfed for 2 years with no issues whatsoever and no withdrawl.

Please go back to your GP.

OP your story sounds so similar to mine. I had a perfect birth but was admitted twice in the first couple of weeks. Many issues led to breastfeeding not working. For me this was devastating after bf my first 3 children and I totally unravelled, like crying on the kitchen floor at night when everyone else was asleep and I didn't know how to stop. I was terrified of taking antidepressants but I shouldn't have been, they saved me. Please consider it