Drowning in PND - and getting worse

[ImHappyDreaming]

I've not been on mn for years. Hopefully someone can help me because I'm so overwhelmed I can't breathe.

I've been diagnosed with pnd and ptsd after having ds 12 weeks ago. His birth was lovely but I was re admitted to hospital two days later with complications. Four days of hell ensued.
It's a long story and one I can't really write out just now (or even think about too much as I'll lose the plot) but in short I am not sure how to go on. I've been referred for talking therapy with cbt and have had one introductory session, but I found it to be a plaster on a gun shot wound. I know one session is just a start, but I have to live until the next one and I'm barely surviving. I've also got a dd to look after and at 13, she knows I'm not myself. Panic attacks. Tears. Anxiety. It's relentless. I'm either scared, tired or both. Of course ds is still not settled into a real sleep pattern yet and am also concerned his formula might not agree with him - thinking of switching but even this small matter seems huge and is adding to my anxiety.
My partner and mum are 'there' for me but don't understand and can't really help. I am shutting down and withdrawing into myself because I feel like I'm drowning and feel so alone.

How can I make them understand I'm REALLY NOT OK??? Anyone? And has anyone had a similar experience and made it through? I'm not sure how or if I can.

Sitting in my car crying and hoping someone can help. Thanks.

Thank you all again.
It turns out that Tuesday morning after a bank holiday is the worst time to try and see a doctor. The phone rang endlessly and then it was jam packed for morning appointments. Nothing. Then fit ins for evening were a no go too The nurse did say I should be able to see someone after ds has his 12 week jabs which is fortunately tomorrow anyway. I am exhausted, hollow and numb now. (Except for stabbing pains dowm below - something else to worry about. Dp thinks I need to be checked again to be sure all is still healing well. Cue more terror. Examinations AGAIN)
Not sure how I got through today - just spent a lot of time cuddling skin to skin with ds. At least that felt real.
I just want to lie down for a long, long time.

Just seen this thread. Glad your DP is being supportive as he can be but I know that it can feel like they can't really help. But keep going. If you can't see someone tomorrow tell them you need an emergency appointment or find a walk in centre.

Its so scary to get help - I remember sobbing to my GP that I didn't want them to take my baby away but they were never going to do that.

I agree CBT helps but it can be slow progress and it sounds like you need more urgent help. Try and make sure you eat and drink as that has a massive impact too. My DH used to make me sandwiches etc in the morning so that I didn't need to do anything but grab ready prepared food from the fridge.

Do you have a children's centre nearby you can access? Mine was literally a life saver.

Keep posting on here if you can and make human contact.

And don't forget there are helplines - Google PND charities for example or the Samaritans. Sometimes just talking can help.

You are not a rubbish Mum or letting your kids down. Don't keep thinking they deserve better. You have an illness and it will pass. You wouldn't be failing if you couldn't run a marathon with a broken leg. So don't expect to be on top of the world when fighting mental health problems.

You can do this. As Dory would say - Just Keep Swimming. Take 1 minute at a time.

Thanks Koalas. It really does feel like they can't help. My mum is here now to make sure dd tidied her room, homework was done and to ensure that we ate something other than takeaways. I can't eat though. I know thats not helpful but I've tried and failed. Dp has said no matter what the outcome of seeing the doctor or getting checked down there, we'll handle it. He is so positive, I wish I could believe him.
I didn't get a chance to look up support groups nearby what with battling phone line to doctors, then being too overwhelmed by lack of progress to do anything much but cling to ds. I will try tomorrow though. Not sure a Samaritan wants to hear incoherent crying! - its hard to write here but easier than talking iyswim? I keep shutting down when I start talking.
Thank you for the suggestions and support

Thinking of you @ImHappyDreaming let us know how tomorrow goes. X

Great work OP - well done for trying so hard to get help. That perseverance must have been really, really hard and I have huge admiration for you finding the strength to do it,

You should be very proud of that.

Skin to skin sounds like a lovely way to spend the day.

Good luck tomorrow.

✅ one more day done already.

Well put Fusion

I'm sure the Samaritans wouldn't mind at all :-) but if writing is easier then keep posting here xx

Here's a link to a helpline in case you do manage to and want to call
www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/helpline/

They also provide some online/email support and a closed Facebook group if you think you would find that easier than speaking

www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/online-support/

Hope its useful :-)

Morning ladies and thank you.
Just back from the doctors. Ds was very good with jabs - I cried more (as usual, am so sick with crying ffs).
Anyway, no doctors available until maybe this evening, but on the plus side, my beloved doctor is back from leave tomorrow and I have a 10am appointment with her even if I can't be fitted in today. God love the nurse who flouted the rules and booked me in on her computer.
Now I just have to get through today...

Sounds like things went well, and are moving in the right direction 😊

With new men B vax you may have a baby in need of lots of cuddles, so another day with skin to skin might be what you both want and need!

xxx

He does seem a bit fractious LastMango, and I, not entirely able to rationalise that he would be. Tears again. (Mine, not his) He doesn't feel warm which is just as well because getting the Calpol into him doesn't go well.
Trying to think what dd will have for dinner later. Can't. I managed to eat a sandwich but still no appetite.
This must be what dying feels like. I'm going to go on the net and see about any local groups. If there are any, I hope I'm brave enough to go?
Doubtful

Try and hang on in there for tomorrow's appointment. Can your mum sort dinner for your daughter tonight?

Well done for eating something even if you don't have an appetite xx

@ImHappyDreaming oh I sobbed so much at DDs Jabs! I hope little one is feeling ok. Well done for pushing for an appointment and go the naughty nurse! She sounds like a nice person.

Have you tried listening to podcasts? I find they're a good way to "get out of my head" when I'm feeling meh xx

I second the podcast suggestion.

My other great intervention on a tough day is to put baby in the car and head to a drive through Costa. Baby sleeps whilst I indulge sweet tooth. I sat in the car in the pouring rain a few weeks back and despite a tough morning with crying baby, that 10 minutes sat in a grey car park drinking coffee and eating cake made me feel human again!

Hope little one is ok tonight, stay strong
xxx

Sending you big hugs. I had a very traumatic birth and then PND which manifested itself into extreme anxiety about ds's sleep and routine. I used to fantasise about driving my car into a tree just so I could sleep. I had insomnia and used to be incoherent with stress, pacing the floors and with palpitations if Ds didn't nap. I held off taking ADs till he was nearly a year old and I wish I hadn't waited that long. I still get anxiety triggered by certain things but have been off the tablets for about 2 years now. I loved him when he was a baby but didn't enjoy him as I was so worried I was getting it all wrong. Try to eat and look after yourself xx

You and your partner sound like such a loving coupl. You also sound very self-aware, which psychiatrists always see as a good thing. I had anxiety during pregnancy and ongoing now 9 months later but I am managing with the help of Sertraline, which is totally safe to take. I was on a small dose but kept getting panic attacks and irrational fears so doctor upped it and I'm doing great now. The first few months are so, so hard. I kept replaying my labour in my mind even though it wasn't that traumatic and I can remember feeling like everyone was enjoying my baby but I couldn't. It's only now looking back that I've realised I was depressed. In a long-winded way I'm saying you will get through this. Do look up a local PANDAs support group. Have you got any close friends you can talk to about it? You'd be surprised at how many of us have been through this. X

Thanks to you both.
Managed to get some dinner together but am still not very hungry. Tomorrow seems like ages away and am now thinking no matter how good my doctor is (and she is) she isn't a magician. My thoughts are so loud and overwhelming that my chest hurts from gasping to try and remain calm(ish) not to sob and sob.
It's everything that happened in hospital that keeps going round and round in my head. So is that the ptsd? How can they treat that short of wiping my memory?! I don't want to forget those first days with ds anyway. And why can't I get past it???
I feel so helpless. But also ashamed for not seeing all the good, knowing there are people going through so much worse. Ds was always ok. I wasn't, but logically I know I'm much better (not 100%) but I'll heal and be ok. I should be grateful. And I am.
But I'm also still horrified by what happened. I still feel every single thing I felt. Not like a memory, like it's now. I still feel scared and vulnerable like I did all those nights. I can remember the pain clearly. Its terrifying. I cant stand it.
Does this make sense, anyone?

you've had an absolutely dreadful experience which has left you completely traumatised. You will feel better with the correct treatment and your dr tomorrow will help you decide what that is. Anxiety and depression is by its nature irrational, so at the moment in its worst grips you cannot see that there will ever be an improvement. (I know that feeling!) But there will, you will feel better, you will be able to eat and sleep again. i hope Dp is there to keep you company tonight and that you manage to get some sleep to make the time pass quicker before the appt Xxx

Thank you Teacher and Sophia.
Now that you look back on your experiences, do you see more good than bad?
I too worry that I'll spoil this precious time but one plus is ds and dd make me feel and I don't feel reality many other times at the moment. I'd literally die if I were away from them even now. Which might be selfish - but I need them to keep me going.
Sophia, my dp is a star. It took years for ds to get here and a very very rocky road we almost didn't make. But he's been amazing. I'm very lucky.

Last week I had an awful week, (work stress and general crapness-nothing life threatening but disruptive to my mental equilibrium) I went back to lightheadedness and a sense of unreality and disconnect to my surroundings. The anxiety was causing palpitations and I felt awful. I couldn't get out of bed easily and was completely going through the motions. A colleague who I see Infrequently but who is very perceptive noticed that I had lost my 'buzz' and commented on it. After the weekend and somethings being resolved I felt much better. I saw the same colleague again today and as I Walked into the room he said 'phew, things are back to normal!'

That was a tiny blip in my mental health. I haven't felt like that for a long time and it was horrible, and was probably only 10% of how crap I felt at my worst.

In answer to your question I have loads of happy memories of being with Ds! We have a very strong bond and love each other very much.

Glad you're doing well Teacher. Thank you for the encouragement. Maybe I'll be able to look back with strength too.
The bond is amazing isn't it? Your ds is a lucky little boy.

And your dcs are lucky to have you too I have always been and will always be prone to anxiety and depression. I have been since I was a teen. However blips like last week are situational-some crap things happened and I had a wobble. Was still functioning but didn't feel right. When I had PND I felt like that all the time and nothing made it better till I sought help. Now day to day I cope fine, and I am never by any stretch of the imagination going to be described as laid back but I have a lovely DH and an awesome little boy so it's ok that I can't ever be late or get panicky about food going past it's sell by date, because day to day I can deal with that

Would it be worth you having a de brief with a midwife? I know someone who did this. She didn't have an eventful birth & healing process but it really helped her know what happened and not be so emotive when she thought about it?

Did you see your doctor OP?