My 3-month-old is going to end our family plans before they begin

[GoldFive]

I am a father and my baby was born in September. I work from home. My wife is a full-time mother. We had plans to have many children but she is about to break.

My daughter is the most high-needs child I have ever seen. She usually sleeps a full night, ever night, but then is awake from morning until 10pm. She requires constant attention.

The main breaking point is that she demands to be held and walked. Constantly. I mean that without any exaggeration. There is about a 30 minute long grace period after she wakes up where she is content to lay down but after that you must be holding her, standing up, and walking. If you sit down, she screams immediately. If you stand still, she screams immediately. If you try to lay down with her, she screams immediately. She demands to be held by the groin or by the thigh with her back to your stomach. She does not want to be held more comfortably facing you. I have repeatedly tried to change this behavior and it doesn't work.

My wife is convinced that letting the baby cry will cause her to grow into a serial killer, so she does not allow it to cry. She will stand and walk with the baby 16 hours a day, every day. Her back hurts, she's in emotional turmoil, and she lashes out at me. She is very frustrated but refuses to let the baby cry. I've insisted that she lay the baby in her crib (especially when she's being walked and crying anyways, because it's not like holding her is even working at that point) and she refuses. The topic is so sore that if I suggest she simply lay the baby down she will shut down and hide in the room with the screaming baby.

My productivity has plummeted. We have an extremely small apartment because we're looking to leave for the US and are saving up as much money as possible. I have no privacy, no peace to work, and I am continuously interrupted to hold the baby so she can even go to the bathroom or put on makeup because the baby's tolerance for not being held and walked is literally zero.

I honestly feel like there's something wrong with her. She is the unhappiest, neediest infant I have ever seen. It feels like she is deliberately trying to ruin my wife's life. The crying feels malicious at this point.

((Hugs)) That is so, so hard. My heart goes out to all three of you.

OP, get help NOW. For you and your family.

Referring to your new baby daughter as 'it' is a very troubling thing to read. Coupled with your other comments, I suggest urgent action is needed to ensure everyone's happiness and safety.

Alongside that, there are some excellent practical suggestions on this thread. I hope some of them help.

Your post is so upsetting!! Your tiny baby doesn’t know night from day and just wants to be secure, cosseted and loved.

Buy a sling, look up 4th trimester and seek counselling.

She is a baby.
I had my fifth baby in august,and my littleone still wants me to hold Him all day.And i am alone for that,and i am doing what i have to do.
This is the life what you choose to have for a short period of time if you have children.It not will last forever,she you and your wife has to cope with it.
Its normal,baby is normal,she needs her mum.
I did this with all of mine,and they are content happy children.
I dont know what people think,life is not a fairy tale my god...
Wake up

We got it today, she tried it on, said she hate it, then threw it on the ground

Your wife threw something she dint like on the groud?

Are you married to Verruca Salt?

Your wife sounds like a wonderful mother. Please get some domestic support for her, a cleaner can do the chores but she cant comfort the baby and keep on top of housework.

I'm trying to think back and my DS didn't care who held him. He just wanted to be slowly walked around and shown things and people.

My dd was just like this but also all night too 😬. For some reason it didn’t put me off having another, dd2 was a total dream compared to her sister. Dd1 is now 18 and still the child that causes me the most stress.

Can't you get a sling then she (not it!) Can be held all the time.and you have both hands free to get on with what you need to do. It's not unusual de babies this young not to want to be put down . She might not like the sling at first because she won't be being held you way you say she prefers but if you persist it could be the answer.
You say she sleeps all-night though that's quite unusual at this age.

Wtf I thought you were referring to a toddler but in fact it’s a 3 month old! Seriously.
The baby is obviously not doing anything ‘maliciously’ what a disturbing thing to say.
You want loads of kids but I think you need to learn about child development first.
Your wife is following her natural maternal instincts of not letting the baby cry.
I absolutely hate the sound of crying babies and that’s the whole point, it’s not meant to be pleasant so if someone is already stressed they’re not going to want to hear it constantly.
Firstly if your apartment is small and you work from home, obviously with a new baby you will get disturbance.
I’m not sure why this is surprising.
Lots of good suggestions, see a paediatrician, cranial osteopath I’m sure if there is an underlying issue but you need to take time and research what it could be.
Check if baby in overstimulated etc.
This won’t last forever but if you keep having this attitude of it being your wife’s fault for following her maternal instincts or the baby’s fault then I suggest you get some help. Hold off having any more kids or pressuring your wife to let baby cry, the baby clearly needs some comfort. My first born was difficult so I decided we weren’t having anymore until I was ready. That was almost 10 years later as I also had ptsd from the birth. I can’t begin to imagine what your wife is going through. Yes it’s shit for you but she’s the one doing the majority of childcare. You are worrying about your job but you can go somewhere else if you need to or hire out some office space. The baby is 3 months!

This

Whereas you sound like a total peach.

Numerous loving mothers on here have described how they felt genuinely tormented by a baby like this, as if they were doing it on purpose. Of course you KNOW it’s not the case but it’s how people end up feeling. Good, loving parents who are also human beings and who are being driven to breaking point by this awful existence. People going through this utter hell need support, compassion and help in order to not crack up and become the kind of news story that you’re clearly insinuating this man has the potential to become.

Nasty, vicious bile like you’re spewing at him only makes that sort of thing more likely as someone is unsupported and feels desperate and sinks further into the hell of their depression.

Did it not occur to you that the very act of him posting on here is him crying out for help, help which plenty of more compassionate, emotionally intelligent and generally decent people have been providing in droves.

Honestly, what’s wrong with you? Do you believe in treatment and support for women suffering PND and other mental illness or is it just men you consider it ‘pandering to’.

also agree with sling recommendation, really helped with mine

It is normal for a baby to want to be held. Telling your wife not to hold her baby who wants to be held (whatever the reason) is cruel.
Does your wife know any other local mums? Maybe that would help.

You need serious mental help if you think a tiny baby is crying to be malicious.

@GoldFive : you can work from a caffe or a public library, for example. Nothing will happen to the baby if she cries a few minutes while your wife is in bathroom etc.
As someone suggested it might be cow milk intolerance, or colic.
Your wife can wear a sling and carry baby in the sling.
My DS was like that, required to be carried most of the time. He is summer born so it was too hot in a sling.
At least you daughter sleeps through night. My son did not slip in his cot. Most of the time he slep on me. Most of the nights I slept sitting on the sofa.

This is very worrying
you must get some help for both of you
get the 3 of u to the doctors,you adults may need antidepressants and baby needs to be checked to put your minds at rest

Well it is very mentally draining to deal with a high needs baby. So yes I imagine he’s in a bad mental health state. I know I was. I suppose you would do much better? Why don’t you offer to watch OP’s baby for 24 hours then to take the mental strain of them both?

See another doctor before you both go mad, this is colic or reflux most likely pain related.

And a baby needing to be walked THE ENTIRE DAY at three months is absolutely not normal. People claiming it is are just indulging in the usual MN race to the bottom where no one complain because apparently we’ve all been through the same and didn’t complain.

I’ve seen enough babies I would describe as high needs but this sounds off the charts. Yes babies want to be held a lot but not literally walked around in one position for 14 hours straight or they won’t stop screaming for even a few minutes.

That is not typical, it really isn’t.

A full night's sleep is not to be sniffed at! That's pretty damn good that she sleeps that well.
You and your wife both need to see a doctor independently. You're clearly really struggling and need support.

Could you try baby wearing so at least your arms are free? Tbh DS spent most of the first 5 months of his life being carried (till he started crawling and refused to ever be picked up!), he even slept in my arms, baby wearing was a life saver.

I definitely think there's there's digestive issue and you need to see someone. Reflux? Cows milk allergy? Wind? There is something causing this. Because its the position, its not the comfort because she isn' Ltd wanting to be cuddled. She's wanting a position and a movement, so she's in pain/discomfort. Take her to another doctor.

Oh yes my baby had CMPA with egg allergy he did not sleep at all because of the discomfort. Once we knew what it was things got better but he was still clingy and a poor sleeper. It’s trial and error and it takes time and patience to work out what it is.

Some posters on here are suggesting starting solids already. Please don't do this OP, the guidance is 6 months for a reason. Your wife may need tolook at her diet, if there's a possibility your daughter is sensitive to something she's eating.

Your tiny daughter is not an ‘it’; she is a living, breathing human being. Your wife asking you to hold the little mite whilst she uses the loo is not ‘interrupting’ you, she is assuming you are there to take an equal responsibility for the life you have both brought into the world.

as for your productivity going down you have at least 21 more years of a child interfering in your activities. Welcome to parenthood.

if this sounds uncomfortable to hear I apologise, but I have never heard a new parent refer to a new baby as ‘it’. This nearly made me cry and I have heard my fair share of crying babies.

your wife does not need a different baby she needs a more supportive partner.

My first never slept and really needed that contact of being held close. He hated going in carseats or highchairs and he screamed blue murder if he was placed flat on his back. Later turned out he had sleep apnea and couldn't breath lying down but we didn't know at the time. A decent sling was a lifesaver for me. Look for one that is supportive and doesn't leave the baby with their legs dangling down.