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Original poster

My 3-month-old is going to end our family plans before they begin

301 replies

GoldFive · 09/01/2023 15:08

I am a father and my baby was born in September. I work from home. My wife is a full-time mother. We had plans to have many children but she is about to break.

My daughter is the most high-needs child I have ever seen. She usually sleeps a full night, ever night, but then is awake from morning until 10pm. She requires constant attention.

The main breaking point is that she demands to be held and walked. Constantly. I mean that without any exaggeration. There is about a 30 minute long grace period after she wakes up where she is content to lay down but after that you must be holding her, standing up, and walking. If you sit down, she screams immediately. If you stand still, she screams immediately. If you try to lay down with her, she screams immediately. She demands to be held by the groin or by the thigh with her back to your stomach. She does not want to be held more comfortably facing you. I have repeatedly tried to change this behavior and it doesn't work.

My wife is convinced that letting the baby cry will cause her to grow into a serial killer, so she does not allow it to cry. She will stand and walk with the baby 16 hours a day, every day. Her back hurts, she's in emotional turmoil, and she lashes out at me. She is very frustrated but refuses to let the baby cry. I've insisted that she lay the baby in her crib (especially when she's being walked and crying anyways, because it's not like holding her is even working at that point) and she refuses. The topic is so sore that if I suggest she simply lay the baby down she will shut down and hide in the room with the screaming baby.

My productivity has plummeted. We have an extremely small apartment because we're looking to leave for the US and are saving up as much money as possible. I have no privacy, no peace to work, and I am continuously interrupted to hold the baby so she can even go to the bathroom or put on makeup because the baby's tolerance for not being held and walked is literally zero.

I honestly feel like there's something wrong with her. She is the unhappiest, neediest infant I have ever seen. It feels like she is deliberately trying to ruin my wife's life. The crying feels malicious at this point.

OP posts:
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thenightsky · 09/01/2023 18:55

Chooksnroses · 09/01/2023 15:53

My Grandmother had 16 children, and she used to say of babies like yours "They need to be laid down, constant carrying makes their little bones ache". I just thought "another old wives tale" until my fourth baby, when my husband insisted that I must eat at least one meal without trying to calm a screaming baby at the same time. That was when we discovered she liked to cry for 5-10 mins before falling asleep. She slept through the night from 7 days old.

My DD was similar. We found she had to have her 8 min screaming session before she would fall asleep. Almost like she had to empty her body of energy before she could nod off. She also slept through the night from 3 weeks.

thirdtimeluckyorwhat · 09/01/2023 18:57

Have you tried a swing chair. Also a dummy ? I really think it's fine to put the baby down for regular short periods she will not be damaged from being put down to cry for a bit. If you had other children to attend to this would be the case anyway and she would learn that she can't be carried all the time

HermioneKipper · 09/01/2023 19:01

Sorry to hear this. A baby who cries constantly is absolutely soul destroying.

one of my twins had reflux and it was an awful time that I can barely remember.

We gave him omeprezole and were advised to wean him early. I regularly cried down the phone to the GP before I was finally referred to a paediatrician for low weight gain.

We also initially worried about a dairy allergy but I think you’d know if this was the case from the nappies. I went dairy free anyway just in case as I was breastfeeding.

Re slings - he was happiest in a Connecta baby until about 5/6 months then wanted to forward face in an ergo 360. the Connecta is really easy to use and comfortable.

Really hope you can find something that helps

Kiopa · 09/01/2023 19:17

Have you tried getting the baby to nap? I mean using all the tricks - pacifier, held on her front, swaying, in a dark room, with white noise, for 30 minutes +? It sounds to me like she spends most of the day massively overtired as their wake windows are very short at that age still. Once she's overtired she's going to be really really unhappy. But maybe you've tried already!

France2023 · 09/01/2023 19:21

thirdtimeluckyorwhat · 09/01/2023 18:57

Have you tried a swing chair. Also a dummy ? I really think it's fine to put the baby down for regular short periods she will not be damaged from being put down to cry for a bit. If you had other children to attend to this would be the case anyway and she would learn that she can't be carried all the time

We were advised by the Special Care Baby Consultant to use a dummy for DC’s airways but it really helped soothe DC too.

rahrahsa · 09/01/2023 20:03

ManyNameChanges · 09/01/2023 16:10

I disagree about that behaviour being normal.

3 months old babies sleep at the very least once in the day.
They don’t need to be held constantly and walked.

Stp telling the OP that it’s normal and it can’t be that bad!

@GoldFive id check for an allergy to cows milk. Your description of your baby just reminds me too much of dc1.
It git worse around 4 months. This was the time when weaning could be system at 4 months. Starting solids was key for him to settle down - and fir me to finally realise he was allergic to milk.

I don't think it's normal either, it sounds like a cows milk allergy (friend had a similar baby with CMPA and he cried constantly and couldn't settle until she avoided dairy). I had one with colic where cranial osteopathy helped. Babies do cry, especially in the witching hour when mine loved being a baby carrier (around 4pm), they generally don't cry constantly. It's very unusual for a 3 month old not to nap, she must be exhausted and that will be making her more upset. No wonder you are both exhausted too.

GnomeDePlume · 09/01/2023 20:17

Hi @GoldFive you have had lots of good advice plus some really judgemental comments.

My first was a total colic monster. GP was hopeless as back then (27 years ago) a lot of healthcare people didnt recognise colic. It may be you have one of those old school GPs.

Lifesavers for us were Infacol and gripe water. The infacol didn't stop the colic but it did take the edge off it a bit. We did find that it took a while for it to work. The real benefit of gripe water was that it made the baby sick smell slightly less awful.

I totally get how awful the screaming is. It is so in your face. I did have PND.

You are not failing as parents.

This will pass. DC1 got a whole lot better at around the 4 month stage.

DC2 3 years later (yes, we had another) was completely different. No colic for him and no PND for me.

DC3 did have colic but we were prepared and just better at it. We had also learned not to take it personally.

You will get through this.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 09/01/2023 20:45

My son was a high needs baby. I am a single parent. He had acid reflux and I to hold him constantly. Took him till he was 2.5 t sleep through the night. I dont know what your expectations of a new born are? o you are being unreasonable. You seem to resent the child have zero patience and neither does your wife. Cant you go private and see a pediatrician for your daughter? There is 2 of you fgs. Surely you can divide and conquer? Get a cleaner to do chores and ironing and get a grocery delivery with ready meals so you have no cooking and washing? Laundry takes minutes. You are so lucky your baby is sleeping through the night at 3 months. I woke uo 3/4 times a night till mine was 2.5

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 09/01/2023 20:48

My son was a high needs baby. I am a single parent. He had acid reflux and I to hold him constantly. Took him till he was 2.5 t sleep through the night. I dont know what your expectations of a new born are? o you are being unreasonable. You seem to resent the child have zero patience and neither does your wife. Cant you go private and see a pediatrician for your daughter? There is 2 of you fgs. Surely you can divide and conquer? Get a cleaner to do chores and ironing and get a grocery delivery with ready meals so you have no cooking and washing? Laundry takes minutes. You are so lucky your baby is sleeping through the night at 3 months. I woke uo 3/4 times a
night till mine was 2.5

Olive19741205 · 09/01/2023 22:06

You're describing a normal 3 month old

I absolutely disagree with this statement. None of mine were like this and I don't know anyone else who had a baby who needed carried 16 hours a day. I know it does happen but it's certainly not the 'norm'.

boxingdayisbest · 09/01/2023 22:08

Your daughter sounds very like my son who it turned out had chronic reflux. You need to see a paediatrician and ask. Does she vomit much after feeds?

My son wasn't diagnosed until we saw a specialist and he was put on omeprazole.

It might not be that but it's worth looking into. He too slept overnight but had to be held upright and walked to be more settled in the daytime.

Mischance · 09/01/2023 22:10

There are lots of possibilities as to why there is this problem - but it is strange that this baby sleeps during the night. Is she in a different position maybe?

boxingdayisbest · 09/01/2023 22:17

I've seen your update from earlier. You really can't and shouldn't be deciding your baby has autism at 3 months old for exhibiting behaviour that a lot of babies do.

Take her to a specialist paediatrician in under one year olds. We went private and getting the reflux diagnosed and treated made a huge difference. Others have also suggested an allergy. Both are possible. See a specialist.

1Wanda1 · 09/01/2023 22:23

Haven't rtft but has anyone suggested reflux? My first child has this and it was hell. Fortunately there are medicines available (prescription) and it does get better.

With DS the reflux passed naturally at about 6 months.

Please seek help from your doctor.

BridieConvert · 09/01/2023 23:36

I haven't read all the replies so could be missing info but this is my take:

  1. You need to cut your wife some slack - she is probably anxious about the baby affecting your work and this in turn can make the crying worse - babies can sense that stress
  1. Your baby is not malicious or manipulative, she is still brand new to this world and her mothers comfort is all she knows
  1. Your wife sounds like she could have PND and she needs help and support. She does not need you making unnecessary comments like the serial killer one. Of course she doesn't want to leave the baby to cry!
  1. Your baby sounds like she has bad reflux - she needs medication ASAP - hound the GP until you get some. If baby is formula fed try adding in a thickener or buying a specific reflux formula
  1. The issues could be caused by a CMPA - if your wife is breastfeeding, she should eat a dairy free diet for 6-8 weeks to see if this improves things. If baby is formula-fed get onto the GP for a prescription formula or buy it yourself (unsure how it works in the country you are in)
Lozois99 · 10/01/2023 09:36

This post scares me.

(I had two high needs babies. I couldn't do anything. Other babies i met in groups would lie and chill, mine had to be constantly on the move.)

This may not have been what you expected of parenting but it is still totally normal. You sound like you actually expected to have control. Babies bring disorder and chaos and honestly, often life is hell. I repeat, there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR BABY.

There is, however, a lot wrong with you and your mindset. This is the baby you have been given, this will not last forever. She's only three months. She's simply communicating her needs and you will have to meet them. You have no choice. Grow up, realise she is priority number one, figure out how to make life bearable. Change everything if you have to. It's what we do, it's called parenting.

AllOfThemWitches · 10/01/2023 10:05

Honestly, what’s wrong with you? Do you believe in treatment and support for women suffering PND and other mental illness or is it just men you consider it ‘pandering to’.

I've had 'PND and other mental illness' and a piece of shit male partner who said nasty shit like the OP, so yes, just men in these circumstances.

AllOfThemWitches · 10/01/2023 10:10

Oops, overuse of 'shit' there, really pisses me off when people pretend that men and women are the same.

GloomyDarkness · 10/01/2023 10:14

Carriage walks do work. Driving also works, but only when the car is in motion. It actually astounds me that she can tell when we're at a red light. I really don't get it.
The issue is that nothing gets done. Sure we can talk walks around the park for an hour or two a day (and we do, because the gravel roads seem to help with digestive issues), but chores don't get done and work doesn't get done on a walk. She has no time to do anything beside watch YouTube videos while walking in circles like a hamster in a wheel all day.

I walked twice a day at same time, trying to get her used to sleeping, round our then local area and quite bleak park. It was good for me - some serious hill where we were I got fresh air . I also spent ages bf - though also had to study for exam 6 weeks post birth - but OU were great at let me take it at home with invigilator. Then we did walks to toddler groups - she'd and in pushchair there and back and I got some much needed socialisation and support from other mothers.

I'm not sure what you think needs doing - any can't wait chores could be done by you in the evening or weekend surely. I don't know which European country you are in but most have maternity leave and usually generous - that time is for the baby not chores or work - the USA is a serious outlier with lack of ML and having women back at work so soon.

My family were very dismissive of how pfb was - blaming me - but just how she was - and then third baby was very similar but I was trained up by then and coped with two toddlers and a baby in arms.

I found this type of sling best - having tried carriers and wrap around slings that were a faff - Shoulder Straps sling - it's similar mine was all cloth so have to keep a very careful eye on baby- but I could put it on one shoulder get baby in and out easily.

JenniferBarkley · 10/01/2023 10:26

The other thing I meant to add yesterday but didn't, is that if the baby is feeding regularly through the night, that is in no way sleeping through. I know some women can doze through feeds while side-lying (I never managed), but even so that level of feeding will be utterly exhausting for your wife. You just wouldn't believe the physical demands of breastfeeding. Even if she doesn't have PND, she will need so much support and not criticism.

magma32 · 10/01/2023 15:23

Honestly the more I read the more I wonder about your attitude.
You actually come across as far too dramatic than you need to be.
You have already described your baby as malicious, ‘it’ I hope that was accidental, making ‘disturbing’ noises like a monster in a film, serial killer (though not to describe your baby) but still really flippant remarks.
You are also ‘astounded’ that your baby can work out you’re at a red
light?! What so astounding about that really.
We’ve all been there, baby knows when the car stops, motion is what is soothing.
I feel sorry for your wife, she’s done the 9 months, the labour, the hormones and now this coupled with isolation and flippant comments from you.
I think your attitude really needs changing as you seem to be blaming her a lot and you seem to want control over this whole baby thing and you’re complaining about chores not getting done, they should be the least of your concern right now.
You may not mean it but I would become very defensive if my Dh made these type of comments.

Whilst your baby i high needs as mine have been, I think you need to get real and accept babies are a massive inconvenience in the early days rather than think they will just slot into your life without disturbing you.
The fact your opening post is about how you’d planned to have more kids, and baby has inconvenienced you on that front, I mean really, why are you even thinking about that when baby is only 3 months.
Just sort your priorities out and don’t expect anything from your wife except that she’s trying her best even though you have other ideas. Forget about the domestics or get some help in.
Also in earlier posts you mention the sling and how it’s a pain taking it off and on -you can pre tie it and leave it on and pop baby in and out when needed.
The baby probably feels uncomfortable in the structured carrier so please try again with the sling.

jamoncrumpets · 10/01/2023 15:35

OP sounds completely floored by parenting. This is it, OP. This is the deal.

jamoncrumpets · 10/01/2023 15:38

' I honestly thought the right shoulder thing might be autism'

You're trying to solve your baby, like a puzzle. Babies can't be solved. There are no hacks. It's just getting through as best you can.

I can tell you as parent of an autistic child and an allistic child that the right shoulder thing isn't a thing. Your baby's head may turn more to one side, but as they grow that will even out.

It's a time thing. You can't hack it.

In a year it won't be like this. It might be harder.

ODFOx · 10/01/2023 16:17

Hi OP, I'm sorry that you are all going through so much at the moment.
I've reread the thread and while there are lots of different ideas why your daughter may be unsettled for you to investigate the thing that is standing out for me is that although you say that she sleeps all night, you also say that she has been feeding st least 2 hourly from birth ( which is normal) but lately she has been feeding all night at 30 minute intervals. So your DW is getting no more that 30 minutes sleep at a stretch and is then walking all day. This degree of sleep deprivation must be making her ill by now. I really think that you need some help so that she can get some rest or she will break. Can you get a nanny for a while or ship in a family member to help or even take a week off work yourself? If your wife isn't getting any sleep she won't be able to make any decision on sling or anything.

A Doctor appointment for potential pnd is a good idea but this level of sleep deprivation is worse than torture.
I am really concerned for her and the baby after reading your posts. I hope that you can get some help and things improve for you all.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/06/2023 21:51

GoldFive · 09/01/2023 15:08

I am a father and my baby was born in September. I work from home. My wife is a full-time mother. We had plans to have many children but she is about to break.

My daughter is the most high-needs child I have ever seen. She usually sleeps a full night, ever night, but then is awake from morning until 10pm. She requires constant attention.

The main breaking point is that she demands to be held and walked. Constantly. I mean that without any exaggeration. There is about a 30 minute long grace period after she wakes up where she is content to lay down but after that you must be holding her, standing up, and walking. If you sit down, she screams immediately. If you stand still, she screams immediately. If you try to lay down with her, she screams immediately. She demands to be held by the groin or by the thigh with her back to your stomach. She does not want to be held more comfortably facing you. I have repeatedly tried to change this behavior and it doesn't work.

My wife is convinced that letting the baby cry will cause her to grow into a serial killer, so she does not allow it to cry. She will stand and walk with the baby 16 hours a day, every day. Her back hurts, she's in emotional turmoil, and she lashes out at me. She is very frustrated but refuses to let the baby cry. I've insisted that she lay the baby in her crib (especially when she's being walked and crying anyways, because it's not like holding her is even working at that point) and she refuses. The topic is so sore that if I suggest she simply lay the baby down she will shut down and hide in the room with the screaming baby.

My productivity has plummeted. We have an extremely small apartment because we're looking to leave for the US and are saving up as much money as possible. I have no privacy, no peace to work, and I am continuously interrupted to hold the baby so she can even go to the bathroom or put on makeup because the baby's tolerance for not being held and walked is literally zero.

I honestly feel like there's something wrong with her. She is the unhappiest, neediest infant I have ever seen. It feels like she is deliberately trying to ruin my wife's life. The crying feels malicious at this point.

What happened? Did the issue resolve? Are you all ok?