My 3-month-old is going to end our family plans before they begin

[GoldFive]

I am a father and my baby was born in September. I work from home. My wife is a full-time mother. We had plans to have many children but she is about to break.

My daughter is the most high-needs child I have ever seen. She usually sleeps a full night, ever night, but then is awake from morning until 10pm. She requires constant attention.

The main breaking point is that she demands to be held and walked. Constantly. I mean that without any exaggeration. There is about a 30 minute long grace period after she wakes up where she is content to lay down but after that you must be holding her, standing up, and walking. If you sit down, she screams immediately. If you stand still, she screams immediately. If you try to lay down with her, she screams immediately. She demands to be held by the groin or by the thigh with her back to your stomach. She does not want to be held more comfortably facing you. I have repeatedly tried to change this behavior and it doesn't work.

My wife is convinced that letting the baby cry will cause her to grow into a serial killer, so she does not allow it to cry. She will stand and walk with the baby 16 hours a day, every day. Her back hurts, she's in emotional turmoil, and she lashes out at me. She is very frustrated but refuses to let the baby cry. I've insisted that she lay the baby in her crib (especially when she's being walked and crying anyways, because it's not like holding her is even working at that point) and she refuses. The topic is so sore that if I suggest she simply lay the baby down she will shut down and hide in the room with the screaming baby.

My productivity has plummeted. We have an extremely small apartment because we're looking to leave for the US and are saving up as much money as possible. I have no privacy, no peace to work, and I am continuously interrupted to hold the baby so she can even go to the bathroom or put on makeup because the baby's tolerance for not being held and walked is literally zero.

I honestly feel like there's something wrong with her. She is the unhappiest, neediest infant I have ever seen. It feels like she is deliberately trying to ruin my wife's life. The crying feels malicious at this point.

@MeanCanadianLady oh don't be so ridiculous. You feel free to offer. This "man" calls a baby it. He thinks a 3 month old is crying to be malicious. No soft soaking or sugar coating this. This is worrying.

Have you considered cranial osteopathy?

Do not take her for anything like this @GoldFive . It has killed babies www.skepticalob.com/2011/02/infant-dies-after-craniosacral-therapy.html

You’re right. You’re the most compassionate person on this thread! Congratulations! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Such kindness! 🎊🥳🎉 What a good person! This is love and beauty at its finest! 😄

Get her ears checked immediately! The screaming while lying down flat is often a sign of ear problems in babies.

Also look into getting one of these - they’re absolutely amazing and you should be able to order one if you’re in the EU:

moonboon.com

Mumsnet really has become a vile cesspit of vicious bitterness. So sad, it used to be a brilliant place but I genuinely think I’m done with it.

Good luck OP, I hope you’ve gained at least some help from the thread.

My first baby was like this, for my second baby I had a Kari-Me sling. She'd sleep it in for hours every day and I was even able to work with her in it until she was about six months, when she really woke up.

She's 11 now and a great kid – this really is just a phase, even if it does seem never ending right now. With our first, DH and I rented a shared workspace (we're both freelancers and both worked from home) and we used to take it in turns to go and use it. That worked well.

You need a Frida Baby Windi. I guarantee it will help.

I give them to all my friends who have babies now and they all call me within two weeks going 'OH MY GOD THAT THING IS MAGIC'

And no I'm not affiliated in any way.

My nephew was like this, no exaggeration, so I know exactly where you were coming from, it was reflux and baby gaviscon changed everything.

Our first was like this. It was unbelievably hard. Plus the shock of losing your independence.

Hang in there, our high needs child has grown into a loving, senstitive child.

Lower your expectations for know about other things. The time you put in will pay off.

It is hard but it will get easier. I think if it was a mum saying this she would get alot more sympathy.

There are lots of reasons why a baby might spend all its time crying. It's exhausting, so you really have my sympathy. The challenge is to find out why! It's not easy, especially when you are overwhelmed by it.

My baby had acid reflex and cried whenever they were put down. We put books below the mattress to angle it so their head was higher than their stomach and the reflux problem resolved.

Is your partner breast feeding? If so, is her technique okay? I was not holding my baby properly when they were breastfeeding so they were taking in gulps of air out of the side of their mouth which was causing wind and tears.

Another friend had a baby who cried constantly and found that her baby was allergic to milk.

These examples may not be the problem, but are always worth ruling out.

Your baby is crying because there is something discomforting for them, and needs your help and reassurance. A sling sounds like a good idea.

Good luck with it.

Like a PP would also recommend the Dr Sears website. www.askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/

I just wanted to say that the majority of parents felt like this at some point.

I really struggled with my baby and I didn’t seek help for a long time as I didn’t realise it was normal to feel this way.

Babies are hard work!
You are fortunate that yours sleeps through the night and you need to count your blessings with this.

There was a lady on here a few days ago who said she couldn’t have a shower because her baby kept crying and I wish I had MN when I had my baby as you can say things that you wouldn’t say in RL about how you are struggling.

I think as long as your baby is healthy then like her thread the best thing for you to both do is let it cry.
I wish someone told me that my baby isn’t going to come to any harm whilst I nip to the toilet for 5mins.

I think you and your wife need a break away from the baby.
She really shouldn’t be disturbing you working but I’d cut her some slack for a bit longer.

I would arrange it that every day (or every other day) you and your wife have an hour each to leave the home - whether that’s going to the gym, a walk, shopping, to friends or family or even just sat in the car reading a book.

It sounds like the constant being on top of each other is making this situation much harder.

DS2 was like this. The sling we liked was the Baby Bjorn (but it is really a matter of preference, I think), but even in the sling, we ended up walking with him for hours and hours - night after night, we ended up getting two slings, one for DH and one for me, so that we didn't have to keep adjusting the straps (DH is much bigger than me), and DS2 used to go from my sling to DH's sling, in shifts. But at least we could move around the kitchen and do things a bit once we found it. We were a bit wobbly with the sling as first, but one gets better at it (a bit like breastfeeding).

DD (came after DS2) also completely refused to be put down (but so long as she was upright in the sling she was OK, so I could even sit and browse at the computer so long as she was in the sling - amazing!). So again both DH and I basically wore our slings constantly, so if I needed the loo, into his sling she went. It did pass - and I think around 3 months was the worst. In those days they advised weaning at 4 months, and I think things got better with DS2 once he was weaned. By the time DD came along, they didn't advise weaning until 6 months, but as mentioned we coped better with her, because she was easier than DS2 and we were so used to the sling it felt like second nature to do everything with a baby in a sling. Now I think they advise even longer, but I suspect that at the age they start to go on solids it might become easier.

This sounds like my son was, and another vote for silent reflux. I wish I had been told this when my son was like it. The sling is a life saver, it will allow your wife to be able to “hold” the baby and also do stuff at the same time. Perhaps the one you brought wasn’t right, but a sling library, or something similar might help trial and error cost less!

things that also worked for us:

DS hated the bouncy chair as it was too close to horizontal.
he loved being in a baby walker as he was vertical. These get bad press, but it worked for us. I used to put a blanket rolled around him as he was so tiny,
A fisher price take along swing which was a life saver. Some nights I could not get DS down, but he would go in the swing. Some nights I put him in and turned the lights on and the music on low as I was completely unable to function any longer,

the other thing that worked was something I later discovered was called “tiger in the tree” hold. Google it, there are videos.

I was once in a restaurant in London and a baby was crying the cry you will never forget. I had finished my meal and offered to stand next to them and hold the baby. I had him asleep in 5 minutes. Sometimes not being stressed by the baby allows them to relax. Easier said than done, but DS’s godfather could always do it for him.

another hold that worked for us was DS high on my right shoulder with his belly on the top of my shoulder putting pressure on his stomach.

So sorry to hear that you are both having a tough time of it at the moment. My son was exactly the same, my husband didn’t work from home but I can only imagine it’s very tough for you to concentrate.

The days were extremely tough, I could not put him down, he’d scream the moment I popped him down so I could have a wee, get a drink etc. I tried bouncers, swing chairs, high chair with the tele on, toys.. nothing he wanted me.. we had to rock him to sleep, which I later regretted as he got bigger neither of us were able to stand for that long, as you say back ache, neck ache. He didn’t even like being in the pram lying down, he’d still scream. I did everything with him on my hip, my only consolation was that he did sleep through at night, so even though I knew the day was going be hard, I knew I’d get a good rest at night.

He would settle in the car, but I was too tired really to be driving around all the time just for a rest.

The one thing I will say, and please don’t take this as a criticism, you really do have my sympathy.. I remember how bloody hard it was, baby will pick up on you both being anxious and stressed. I know that’s easy for me to say, and I was stressed the more stressed he was, it was a vicious circle.

Take a big deep breath, trust that this is only temporary and look forward to bedtime! I would definitely contact health visitor though.. also how about nursery for a morning or afternoon in the week just to give you both a break. I had an amazing mum who didn’t work so gave me those breaks in the week, if family aren’t near or able, defo look at a nursery for a few hours. Hope that helps, I really do feel your pain! My son was the only baby I’ve ever known like this, your not alone, this will pass x

No, fathers cannot get PND, which is specific to those who have been pregnany and given birth. It has a hormonal factor, it does not mean being depressed when you have a new baby, which fathers can of course be.

Sounds like my reflux baby to a tee. You need a decent soft sling (not a structured carrier with buckles type) and a paediatrician appt.

She's not trying to hurt you. She's in pain.

You need to invest in some help or you may find your wife's mental health crumbles. Just someone to carry baby strong for an hour while she goes out, or cleans the bathroom, or someone who will take baby out while she rests.

I would urgently investigate the possible causes of pain with a specialist. I would also persevere with the sling, try noise cancelling head phones too. Also white noise.

If your wife isn't comfortable leaving her to cry don't push it. But if it was me I would put her down in the crib for ten minutes with my wife's agreement while she went out. There's a chance she is completely over simulated.

Try to stay ahead of the constipation, far easier to avoid than treat while it's happening.

Has your wife tried cutting out some things from her diet.

I also agree with the comment that sometimes the baby has to be left to cry, such as for your wife to go to the toilet, or shower.

as long as you both know she is safe, fed and just unhappy, then a few minutes crying won’t turn her into a psychopath.

incidentally, I tell everyone that DD1 was my reward for surviving DS. At 4 weeks she slept minute to 6am, and from 6 weeks slept 7-7 and napped too.

I just wanted to add. I think it’s funny you aren’t up for watching the baby. I thought you were the superior baby watcher? You can handle anything better than OP right? Or do you not care about the baby’s well being as much as you claim? Or maybe you’re just afraid that you wouldn’t be able to handle it either? Just here to announce that you are holier than thou OP and see yourself out yes?

As someone who’s literally lived through the nightmare. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I have no regrets about watching my baby 24/7 at my partners and I’s expense but it does create a sense of resentment towards the baby yes even when you know it’s unreasonable. We were both medicated and getting help. My therapist literally said it is COMPLETELY NATURAL to feel that way in this situation. Shaming OP for feeling that will not help. The only healthy way to deal with negative emotions is instead of pushing them down you must acknowledge them and confront them and work through them.

You are telling OP to suppress his natural normal feelings which would only result in an unhealthy reaction.

I hope you never have to live through it. I’m sure you would not deal with it well since you think emotions are to be suppressed and pretended away rather than seeing them as normal biological responses to stressful situations that need proper psychological coping strategies.

Our eldest DC was a bit like this, apart from sleeping. He never slept for more than a couple of hours at a time. There were three things that I found helped him, although I think every baby is different and while something works for one it may not work for another. 1. Baby massage - he was very windy from crying and this seemed to help 2. We had a baby classical music cd. The key thing about it was that each piece of music merged into the next one so there weren't any gaps. It seemed to help him to fall asleep. If we played another cd that had gaps between the pieces he would wake up. 3. walking in the pram. If I walked far enough he would always fall asleep with the motion.

My first was like this (but didn't sleep through the night!). High needs and had to be on me. Screamed when I put him in the bouncer to run to the loo. I held him all day, he slept on me too. Screamed when my husband came home and I ran up for a shower. The only thing I can say is it will pass. For the moment make life work with it. Nest on the couch with snacks and drinks and watch you tube. Get a cleaner for housework. Get takeaways or meal service for meals. Eat things that can be prepared and eaten with one hand (porridge, beans on toast, hummus on crackers, bananas, all regulars I remember well). 3 months is very young still. Don't leave the baby to cry unless you have to. Explore all the medical possibilities but this may just be something that resolves with time. Forget the other babies that can be put down happily, nap for ages, etc. That's not your child, let go of expectation. Do really try with the slings though. And watch your own mental health, you and your partner. Tag teaming can mean one of you gets enough of a short break to make it bearable. Don't do everything together.

Pfb was a Velcro baby - later third was.

We co-slept and carried her - mostly me in early days - just accepted it.

We got slings and carriers and chair that rocked - would have loved one that rocked by itself - and got her asleep in moving pushchair - we don't drive so lots of walking also took her out very early to baby groups - so I met others and she got somewhere else to see. I got used to doing a lot one handed.

Second child hated being flat - but would be held by others but he and pfb wanted to be held upright not classic baby pose in arms - third threw me by wanting that.

But like other pp are saying it does need investigating _ I knew mother who had to stop bf and switch to special formula because baby was allergic to milk - others its acid reflux or bad wind.

PFB is now a very quietly confident teen.

Been there with ds2 who's now 18m and his "unhappy babyness" has merged into toddler tantrums 😂😂

It's HARD. people without high needs babies just won't get it. Babies are hard enough at the best of times but high needs babies are HARD not just hard.

Have a look at the 4th trimester and dr sears 5 S's for a little help though for us, it really was batten down the hatches and just get through it.

I found mat leave incredibly difficult because of how he was but also because of the reduced number of baby groups at the tail end of covid.

My go to's were

1. Tag team when possible.
2. DH took him off me for a bit as soon as he finished work
3. Fresh air - get out in the pram and walk for a bit. The sound of the crying is somehow more tolerable when it's in open air.
4. Breaks. I'd go to Costa for a brew with my book just to be away for a little bit.
5. Cling on to the fact that it doesn't last forever.

My health visitor with DS 1 who was also fairly high needs used to tell me to pop him on his mat on the floor and walk out of the room for a couple of minutes because he can't fall off the floor so wouldn't come to any harm.

Some of your problems are likely to be overt tiredness so if you could concentrate on sleep routines as she gets older now and try to get her some good quality naps in the day, you might get slightly more happy time.

Honestly DS's default has been miserable. When he has been happy, he's been very quick to revert back to miserable and it's a constant ongoing battle to keep him happy - often unsuccessful.

At 19m now he's far happier in himself and we see a cheery toddler regularly until he has to go in the pram or car and all hell breaks loose. So it does pass, I promise!!! Keep going, you're both doing great!!

My DC was born at 31 weeks. When we brought him home he weighed 3lbs 5oz. I had what resembled a baby bird attached to whatever side of me was not pumping breast milk 24/7. We had to feed DC 10ml of breast milk every hour for the first two weeks DC was home. Then because thankfully DC was gaining weight we could increase it to 2 hour feeds 20ml etc etc. My DH and I were like zombies and he had to work full time after 2 weeks paternity leave but as soon as he walked through the doors I handed him DC and went to get some sleep. By 6 months DC would sleep 4 to 5 hours max before a feed was necessary. DC was prescribed special feed formulae from the DRS as DC had really bad heartburn and reflux. Honestly we did not get a goods night sleep til DC was 18 months. I am not telling you this to make you feel bad I just feel that you have expectations of a baby that can never be realized because your daughter is a baby and only 3 months old. Each child is unique as a parent we have to adapt to our child’s needs. I hope you find a way 🤞

If you and her mother are stressed, baby will pick up on it. Its hard work looking after a baby. Does she smile, giggle yet?