My 3-month-old is going to end our family plans before they begin

[GoldFive]

I am a father and my baby was born in September. I work from home. My wife is a full-time mother. We had plans to have many children but she is about to break.

My daughter is the most high-needs child I have ever seen. She usually sleeps a full night, ever night, but then is awake from morning until 10pm. She requires constant attention.

The main breaking point is that she demands to be held and walked. Constantly. I mean that without any exaggeration. There is about a 30 minute long grace period after she wakes up where she is content to lay down but after that you must be holding her, standing up, and walking. If you sit down, she screams immediately. If you stand still, she screams immediately. If you try to lay down with her, she screams immediately. She demands to be held by the groin or by the thigh with her back to your stomach. She does not want to be held more comfortably facing you. I have repeatedly tried to change this behavior and it doesn't work.

My wife is convinced that letting the baby cry will cause her to grow into a serial killer, so she does not allow it to cry. She will stand and walk with the baby 16 hours a day, every day. Her back hurts, she's in emotional turmoil, and she lashes out at me. She is very frustrated but refuses to let the baby cry. I've insisted that she lay the baby in her crib (especially when she's being walked and crying anyways, because it's not like holding her is even working at that point) and she refuses. The topic is so sore that if I suggest she simply lay the baby down she will shut down and hide in the room with the screaming baby.

My productivity has plummeted. We have an extremely small apartment because we're looking to leave for the US and are saving up as much money as possible. I have no privacy, no peace to work, and I am continuously interrupted to hold the baby so she can even go to the bathroom or put on makeup because the baby's tolerance for not being held and walked is literally zero.

I honestly feel like there's something wrong with her. She is the unhappiest, neediest infant I have ever seen. It feels like she is deliberately trying to ruin my wife's life. The crying feels malicious at this point.

Is there any way you can go back to the office or work away from home? As the sole wage earner your productivity is very important. It must be adding to your wife's stress levels knowing that the baby is making noise while you are trying to work. My DH used to take the baby off me when he came home in the evenings and that gave me chance to get a shower, have a hot cup of tea and chill for a bit. DS2 was a fussy baby so DH would often take him for a walk or a car ride. That bit of time made all the difference to me in the early days.

Honestly that sounds exactly like my son. I couldn’t put him down, he wouldn’t take a bottle. He wouldn’t even be held by anyone but me. He didn’t develop a proper relationship with his dad until he was about 3. He also didn’t sleep and required feeding every 2 hours for the first 2 years but only breastfeeding . It was draining and exhausting and I had an older child who was borderline hyperactive. You do need to find somewhere else to work if possible as I don’t think I could have coped with my partner being in all day with all of us getting stressed. It was tough and used to sleep with my head at the bottom of the bed with my hand in the cot every night for 2 years. I spent many days with my son on my lap. But as awful as it is, it does pass. Easy to say now but my son was an awful baby, a terrible toddler (he was strong and screamed a lot, pulled my hair hard and constantly pushed us!) but now is the nicest, easy going, old for his years 12 year old you could ever meet. He is so level headed and barely causes any trouble. He’s just brought me in a cup of tea. It does get better. I had 2 nightmare babies but it does get better honestly.

DS1 was exactly like this and I was your wife. I say exactly like this, DS1 also woke every 30-90 minutes at night, so at least yours sleeps through. I used to pace around with him held outwards at arms length for hours every day as it was the only way he would be vaguely content. From hours hold he wanted stimulation by the bucketful. He had no off switch and as a newborn getting him to nap was an utter disaster. He was regularly an overstimulated, overtired, screaming mess. Hated being put down but equally hated any kind of embrace.

Im going to go against the grain of this thread and all the other ones like it. This behaviour doesn’t necessarily mean a medical problem such as reflux. Not everyone is blessed with a sleepy, cheerful newborn. I understand your desperation, I was suicidal by 3 months and would have killed for a potion to ‘fix my DS’. But there wasn’t one as it was just who he was. Time was the only healer.

Interestingly, DS1 has turned out to be exceptionally bright. Both in terms of raw IQ and emotional intelligence. It became apparent from about 18 months old that he was incredibly receptive to learning and it’s just grown from there. He’s still very sensitive and needs lots of external dialling down to deal with how he processes things. I expect in the US he might be diagnosed with a sensory processing disorder, but he’s NT as far as we can tell in the UK. With the benefit of hindsight, I can see that as a baby his brain just massively outstripped his body. He become infinitely easier as soon as he could walk.

The first year with a kid like this is lethal, so pace yourself. Just cling on to the fact this will get better and literally nothing after this will be as difficult. Good luck.

Your baby sounds over tired, overestimulated and miserable, not surprised this is having such a negative impact. They need much more sleep at this age than what she is getting.

It sounds like she has colic, gps arent very great in this area, all they seem bothered about is weight gain. Colicky babies do tend to be more settled when moving in the car or being rocked.

Just get some colic relief lactose free milk or whatever and get her down for sleeps during the day. Easier said then done, one of ours was a colicky unsettled baby but with the use of dummies, rocking, and lactose free products they were much more settled.

You really do need to change your way of thinking, this poor baby is just as miserable as you are. Do what you can to help her.

What carriers/slings have you tried? A stretchy wrap is great for this age. We have a structured ergobaby 360 carrier which is good too and can be used from birth.

Babies can't be malicious, you're both just overtired.

I've not read the full thread so sorry if someone else has said this but if it is reflux doctors usually start babies on the lowest dose so if it's not working go back and see if they can increase the dose of omeprazole or whatever is prescribed.

If you're worried about cows milk protein allergy and DW is fully breastfeeding she can try going dairy free in her diet for four weeks while you wait for an appointment. You need to give it four weeks to for symptoms to improve so if there is no improvement within a few days do carry on for the four full weeks.

Good luck I hope she settles soon it's so hard.

Your wife sounds amazing! It's absolutely normal not to leave a tiny baby to cry. Our son was really high needs at that age and it absolutely gets better. I would have really struggled if my DH hadn't been supportive.

Some of you obviously have no clue what it's like to have a mental health crisis or severe PND. Give your heads a wobble.

OP, it sounds like you and your wife need to speak to a professional about your feelings and to a health professional about your child. If a GP is no help seek out a pediatrician.

I hope you get all the help you need.

I’m so sorry. Our eldest was like this. We couldn’t leave her with anyone because people would get into a panic within minutes that something awful was wrong and then there’d be the screaming and them badgering us to “do something”.

We tried EVERYTHING and spent a fortune. Walking, a sling, white noise and tight swaddling were all that helped (a tiny bit).

It switched off overnight when she was 4 months old. Done. At 10, she’s a great sleeper, calm and happy. In contrast, her baby sister slept whenever and wherever and always woke with a smile.

Try not to get angry with each other - so hard to do, I know - and do anything you can to get a break or enjoy even the tiniest things.

You know you are clearly doing a good job because you are trying to find solutions for your baby and to be honest life can be like that intensely off and on as your child grows , sometimes easier, sometimes harder.

With a high needs baby the best tip is if you have spare to spend money on a cleaner and home help and takeaway ir ready meals rather than every sling, rocker etc gizmo. If not visit relatives and friends who are happy to hold baby for half an hour or more daily.

Let your wife, while you are working, concentrate on baby and leave the other household responsibilities.

Take yourself off to a coffee shop to work to give your head a break from the responsibilities, if you don’t have an office and pop back for an hour at lunchtime to give your wife a physical break. It just for a few months till baby decides she want to stand all the time and you will be bent double holding her little hands walking around holding her while she learns to walk instead!

Baby will have other developmental stages which will involve different needs and these physically hard times will pass.

It was me and it was my mother with my first who said "forget what they say. Feed him some baby rice" and you know what it worked. He was a big baby and was 11 weeks old.

Also maybe look into Milk & Moon by Possums and Co-- it's Australian but they offer a lot of information online and I think do video consults. I've used them to help with my baby's sleep but they have fussy baby support that I wish I'd known about when my daughter was really young.

It's evidence and research based.

To those saying it's normal, my experience across 3 children is that it's absolutely normal for a newborn but if things aren't starting to improve by 3 months then you definitely stand out in baby groups. Normally by 3 months they would be having happy awake spells.

My middle DC was very similar with howling unless carried, and at 3 months was getting worse not better. By 4 months I was at my wits end - it turned out to be cows milk allergy. I was breastfeeding, but the traces of the cows milk proteins I was eating get through into your breastmilk (there is scientific research proving this). It can much longer for some babies depending on how much damage has been done, but in our case within 3 days of me giving up cows milk things slowly started to improve. Within 2 weeks she was a different baby - it is definitely worth pushing for more medical help for her, as well as support for you and your wife.

What are her poos like? With hindsight one of the symptoms for DD is she was still having constant explosive diarrhea like a newborn, again that's something that normally would have settled by 3 months.

I agree. I feel like you think the baby is ruining YOUR life, but you're saying it's about your wife to deflect.
Who refers to their baby daughter as "it"? Please seek help for yourself

DS also only ever wanted to be held facing forward. Remember demonstrating to nursery when he was 6 months old. He got moved out of the baby room at nursery for not napping ever in the daytime. Like @McPlant1 our DS turned out bright. We just used to call him plain nosey!

I hope you get some help and agree you both need to lower our expectations. Time to put make up on? Some days it's an achievement to clean your teeth before lunchtime. You do need to look at a workspace/library/Costa to get a few solid hours work in each day.

I would also say that a baby of 3m not napping during the day is likely to be an overstimulated and unhappy baby. At that age their awake time is actually very limited. It’s amazing through she’s sleeping through the night- many people would kill for that. Suggestions of a sling are good. My second child was pretty needy and was happiest in a sling during the day. My first child didn’t need that and was very chilled out in her playmat or in the buggy. X

If the baby is breastfed, could it be something your wife is eating? ( Clutching at straws here!). I really sympathise but there is clearly something amiss.

I've only skimmed the thread, but was the baby a forceps or ventouse delivery??? My DS was the same, and with hindsight I think he was maybe in some sort of pain. I didn't hear about cranial osteopathy until much later, but I notice some people have recommended it on this thread. Anyway, he's now 24, was a really easy child, and we went on to have a second, who was a really easy baby.

No, fuck pandering to someone who refers to his own baby as 'it' and describes her as 'malicious.' As for the posters diagnosing him with PND 🙄 if he won't seek urgent help, he should not be anywhere near this child as the language he is using is fucking disturbing.

Our child was a high needs baby like this. Everyone was the same with us. They just thought we were whiny first time parents. But ours would cry constantly if not constantly held. The bassinet just got given away completely untouched because she never used it. Lucky ours did not require constant walking. However she would not sleep unless she was on someone. Both my husband and I had back issues because we were constantly sleeping in awkward uncomfortable positions so she could sleep. We had to take turns holding her while the other slept. We never got a break for the first six months of her life. If husband was working and I had to use the restroom I would have to sit her down in the car seat (or the nearly untouched bassinet) and listen to her cry the entire time I was using it and it was extremely stressful.

She had severe GERD though which looking back I think was the cause. She was not digesting her milk well. Our original plan was to try a combo of breastfeeding and formula. She was never able to hold down any formula. She vomited all of it. The entire feed would come up. We even tried the very expensive formula that was made for highly sensitive babies. It put a huge hole in our pockets. We eventually gave up and I had to scramble to boost my milk supply. Another issue she was born preterm and while she was not horribly preterm (4 weeks early) I think it played a role in her issues.

She had a lot of trouble nursing because she was born before her sucking reflex developed properly. Once we ironed those issues out she was holding down breastmilk okay but she vomited every other feed. It was bad enough that we could see the bones in her face at 3 months and I think this was why she was so needy. I think she was actually really very hungry and felt bad because of it but had little relief and her only comfort was being held.

(This doesn’t sound like the issue yours has but I’m sharing it in case something resonates with you.)

It was a severe enough issue for us that the paediatrician recommended introducing solids at 4 and a half months which we did. As instructed we introduced whole fat milk, infant oatmeal and infant coconut oil and some other high fat foods. I can’t quite remember what. But everything was high fat and iron based! I remember that much.

I remember this little baby absolutely inhaled everything because she was so hungry. Somehow despite her withering away she was very advanced on her milestones so there was very little choking or gagging which was a stroke of luck for us I think. She is now a nice chubby toddler at 2 years. But I relate to how stressful your life is. It’s okay. We too were months behind on laundry, dishes and all the household needs. We had no familial support so couldn’t call mother/MIL to help out for a bit sadly. So it all went ignored.

Once got judged by landlord but I cussed him out showed him my baby’s skeletal face and asked him how important the laundry and dishes would to be to him if his baby was starving to death because she couldn’t keep milk down. He then apologized and never complained again.

The lack of sleep, personal time, personal hygiene, combined with the constant being stuck with your own thoughts, the back aches and feeling like you are no longer your own person is hard but it will slowly get better. You will feel better. And eventually you will even have time to have sex again and think about your hobbies and dreams again!

Whatever happens you and your wife will get through this one way or another. For now just be there for each other through the insanity. I’m sorry you are going through this.

My daughter was like this, except she very definitely did not sleep through the night. The only way she'd sleep is on my arm (so I had to sleep with my arm stretched out under her head, all night) and she woke at least five times a night. It was pure hell and I have massive sympathy for you and your wife. You're right to try to make it better but please don't drive yourself mad trying and trying - sometimes nothing works and you just have to do whatever you can to survive. Eventually this torture will stop, I promise. She'll be big and solid and much happier. In the meantime, go as easy on yourselves a humanly possible - ditch housework, eat ready meals, relax whenever you get a moment and just wait for the time to pass.

It's great that she'll relax in the car or the buggy - go out for walks when you can, it'll help things seem less hopeless.

Please stop telling your wife to put the baby down and let her cry - she can't do that and it doesn't help. Just support each other and take it day by day. You will be fine, honestly, and you'll look back and wonder how on earth you survived.

My DD is 9 now and is a lovely, lively girl who gives us no trouble at all.

Our son was a wonderful, quiet, relaxed baby, so it's not necessarily the case that if you have a second that you'll go through the same thing. Some babies are just extremely, hideously hard work.

That's a good point.
Is your wife hitting the caffeine to try and keep going? That can cause irritability in babies.

Ah. Sorry. Someone suggested this upthread. A family member had to go on a vegan diet whilst breastfeeding because the baby proved to be lactose intolerant. It’s worth a try.

It sounds like you are both utterly exhausted, depressed and that this is not what you were expecting life with a new baby would be like. All very understandable but totally overwhelming.

You both need help as soon as possible. I felt very much like you are describing and didn’t get any help or support and it had long lasting repercussions for our relationship and the relationship with our baby. Some GPs can be quite dismissive about silent reflux which sounds like something your baby has. My DC as well as my DGC all had it and we’re miserable and uncomfortable and restless and wouldn’t be put down, until they were on the right medication and thickener for their formula. I remember the constant arguments, buying anything and everything that we thought might help but getting nowhere. Same with DGC and their parents. It’s hugely stressful and exhausting. You need to tell your doctor, health visitor or whoever is most appropriate where you live how you feel and what’s going on. It WILL get better. I know this is no comfort now but it will. As babies get more upright and their stomachs aren’t bunched up and squooshed and their digestive systems mature it will get better if it’s mainly caused by reflux.

If you're in the UK you can google cranial osteopathy local to you and find people on the doorstep that you can just book an appointment and pay at the desk for, no NHS or insurance needed.