My 3-month-old is going to end our family plans before they begin

[GoldFive]

I am a father and my baby was born in September. I work from home. My wife is a full-time mother. We had plans to have many children but she is about to break.

My daughter is the most high-needs child I have ever seen. She usually sleeps a full night, ever night, but then is awake from morning until 10pm. She requires constant attention.

The main breaking point is that she demands to be held and walked. Constantly. I mean that without any exaggeration. There is about a 30 minute long grace period after she wakes up where she is content to lay down but after that you must be holding her, standing up, and walking. If you sit down, she screams immediately. If you stand still, she screams immediately. If you try to lay down with her, she screams immediately. She demands to be held by the groin or by the thigh with her back to your stomach. She does not want to be held more comfortably facing you. I have repeatedly tried to change this behavior and it doesn't work.

My wife is convinced that letting the baby cry will cause her to grow into a serial killer, so she does not allow it to cry. She will stand and walk with the baby 16 hours a day, every day. Her back hurts, she's in emotional turmoil, and she lashes out at me. She is very frustrated but refuses to let the baby cry. I've insisted that she lay the baby in her crib (especially when she's being walked and crying anyways, because it's not like holding her is even working at that point) and she refuses. The topic is so sore that if I suggest she simply lay the baby down she will shut down and hide in the room with the screaming baby.

My productivity has plummeted. We have an extremely small apartment because we're looking to leave for the US and are saving up as much money as possible. I have no privacy, no peace to work, and I am continuously interrupted to hold the baby so she can even go to the bathroom or put on makeup because the baby's tolerance for not being held and walked is literally zero.

I honestly feel like there's something wrong with her. She is the unhappiest, neediest infant I have ever seen. It feels like she is deliberately trying to ruin my wife's life. The crying feels malicious at this point.

She definitely has heartburn. The first two weeks were very scary because she would make incredibly disturbing noises in a sleepsafe crib. It sounded like an animal or monster from a movie and would wake my wife up constantly in a panic because it was so loud and unsettling. We took her to a doctor and he said she had acid reflux, which is apparently typical for babies, but not something anyone warns you of.

You mention digestion issues- has she been diagnosed? Is she on reflux meds?

Get her inner ear checked, it sounds like there could be something wrong with her vestibular processing.

Your baby is 12 weeks old. I am not tryinn to underplay anything here, but yes, 12 week olds are difficult, demanding, and quite often need to be held constantly/walked constantly/rocked constantly.

my middle child needed to be held constantly. I know what it’s like. She would scream if put down for even a second. And quite often screaming she wasn’t. She grew out of it (eventually, although was carried until well past 3 years old).

my youngest was worse. He wouldn’t be put down day or night. He didn’t sleep longer than 45 minutes at a time until he was almost 2, as he was constantly looking for reassurance that I was there. I spend my evenings now with him sat in me usually - next to me isn’t enough / he’s 10 now.

some children do need more reassurance and physical contact. It is hard. Start working on strategies to meet your daughter’s needs, rather than ways to get your daughter to fit into what you want.

Is she medicated for her reflux? If so she might have outgrown the dose and it might need represcribing.
If not she might benefit from gaviscon and omeprazole.

We were given an oral drop bottle and wax suppositories for digestive relief. They sometimes help when she is inconsolable, but they do not help with the need to be carried.

I'll make a note of this for the next checkup, thank you

You resent holding your child so that your wife can go to the bathroom?

Take her out in the pram/pushchair. Apparrently this was the only thing that would get me to sleep.

She is a 3-month old baby. She is not the devil. And she is not in control. But it sounds as though both you and your wife did not realise how much work a baby can be.

Please speak to your Health Visitor and keep supporting your wife.

Are you in the uk? Dts had hideous reflux, they weee on gaviscon, domperidone and ranitidine. They don't prescribe the same mixture anymore but equivalents.

Is she really sleeping through the night? Is she bf? Are you raising the cot / pram, holding up fright after a feed? Does she puke?

Every baby is different, but there is absolutely no way that a 3 month old infant is capable of malicious intent or of demanding things.

Unless you start to view your daughter (not it) differently and become pro-active as opposed to reactive, there's no way you should add more children in..... ever.

You're blaming the baby rather than seeing the situation as one that many new parents face.

Try and stop insisting what your wife does and does not do.

It might be advisable to seek help for your thoughts as not dealing with them will only cause further problems in the long run.

So she does have reflux - I guarantee that's the issue with needing to be upright, she's in pain. Take her back to the doctors.

Try a sling? Try infacol for reflux. See a cranial osteopath and get her ears checked. This isn’t Malicious or intentional on the babies part

You nearly lost me at “full time mother”. We are all full time mothers, whether we also have paid jobs or not. Please educate yourself and don’t use that offensive phrase again.

It sounds like you have a baby. Congratulations. You need to see a doctor for yourself as it doesn’t sound like your bond with your baby is quite where it should be. Your wife needs to see a different, female doctor. Take some action to support yourselves as adults and you won’t feel this way forever.

Does she sleep during the day in your arms/in the pram/in the car?
Because that counts as sleep too, even if it doesn’t help with getting work/housework done.

My first child cried quite a lot. I remember my stepmum trying to settle him so I could have a break. The only think that worked was her running with the pram up and down the lane. We also did the car journeys. It does pass even though it feels like is never will.
Does your wife have support outside of home? Is there a friend or family member who can pop in for an hour? If not the Homestart may be able to help.

Take her to an osteopath, the preferring specific positions could be reflux and/or muscle tension related.

Babies need contact with their mothers but they don't need it 16 hours a day. I think your DW should try putting the baby down for naps etc in a safe place and just let her cry

We're not in the UK, but in Europe. I am from the US and she is not. I don't know where else to go for parental discussion in English. Mumsnet has a reputation and I wouldn't trust redditors with a gerbil.

She does sleep through the night. Wife has complained about sleep regression recently. She would breastfeed 3 times a night before, but I am told she breastfeeds every 30 minutes right now. She becomes fussier during periods of growth so that's normal.

She has a crib that she sleeps in if put to bed, but she sleeps better in the bed. I'd object to this but my wife is a very light sleeper and wakes up if I move at all. We tried desperately for weeks to get the crib to work for nights but gave up. Part of that included elevating the cot on one side by putting books under it, and sometimes putting her in a rocking chair and then putting that in the crib.

But she cries if held upright while sitting, and she doesn't cry if sitting in a car seat while moving.

Can you afford to get the reflux looker into privately?

In the meantime I'd suggest your wife gets herself down to the local sling library to figure out a comfortable way of carrying the baby. At least then she will find it easier to walk with baby and can get stuff done around the house whilst carrying baby.

Firstly - if the baby wants to be carried a lot has your wife got a suitable baby carrier? I wore an Ergobaby embrace with my baby who wanted to be carried a lot. Listening to podcasts/music/audio books can make it more pleasurable. This was how my baby napped too.

theparentandbabycoach.com. Contact this lady to help you with reflux and sleep

Contact your health visitor and discuss your concerns as well.

So is she sleeping feeding every 30 minutes through the night now? Feeding so much can be a sign of reflux too, as the milk soothes the acid.

The car seat might just be holding her at the right angle.

You need to go pack to the doctor. I have horrible reflux, I can't imagine what is an a suppository that would help with acid coming from my stomach.

Sling, gripe water, tummy massage?

My first baby was high needs as well, you’re not alone in this at all. To add to the torture I had ILs tutting and saying that my never putting the baby down was the cause of all the crying…they literally blamed me for “spoiling” my DD!

I also had a dickhead paediatrician, who thought as first time young parents we were simply exaggerating.

However, I agree you do need some help, perhaps a Dads group? Because the crying isn’t malicious. Babies cry on reflex they don’t have any intention behind it at all. Do those are dark thoughts indeed to be having and very concerning.

So, like you nothing worked. Although I read the car seat and driving works- didn’t for us. She’d scream her head off the second we tried to put her in the car seat. Trips to her pediatric check ups were the only time she left the house those first six months. I have pictures of my eldest mid-scream in every possible contraption the ILs suggested would absolutely work. I still have to this day a photo sequence of the automatic baby swing they got showing DD in there with a 😨 face that then quickly became a 😭😫😭face!

So, I tried various baby wearing slings until there was one that meant I could have both hands free and do anything with her nestled against me. For my DH she preferred the baby Bjorn baby carrier and we took turns having the baby.

It doesn’t last forever, anytime you can show her things and hand her toys to touch will make her more interested in exploring the world. Eventually she’ll become a lap baby and you’ll get to sit down. Then she will crawl in ever widening circles away from you. Meeting the high needs now can often mean a more independent child later on, at least that’s how our high needs baby turned out.

You can get a swing for the car seat - assuming it's a stage 0+

My 3rd had silent reflux, slept 6-7 hours at night and screamed the rest of the time had to be held with my arm across her tummy. Nearly broke us.