My 3-month-old is going to end our family plans before they begin

[GoldFive]

I am a father and my baby was born in September. I work from home. My wife is a full-time mother. We had plans to have many children but she is about to break.

My daughter is the most high-needs child I have ever seen. She usually sleeps a full night, ever night, but then is awake from morning until 10pm. She requires constant attention.

The main breaking point is that she demands to be held and walked. Constantly. I mean that without any exaggeration. There is about a 30 minute long grace period after she wakes up where she is content to lay down but after that you must be holding her, standing up, and walking. If you sit down, she screams immediately. If you stand still, she screams immediately. If you try to lay down with her, she screams immediately. She demands to be held by the groin or by the thigh with her back to your stomach. She does not want to be held more comfortably facing you. I have repeatedly tried to change this behavior and it doesn't work.

My wife is convinced that letting the baby cry will cause her to grow into a serial killer, so she does not allow it to cry. She will stand and walk with the baby 16 hours a day, every day. Her back hurts, she's in emotional turmoil, and she lashes out at me. She is very frustrated but refuses to let the baby cry. I've insisted that she lay the baby in her crib (especially when she's being walked and crying anyways, because it's not like holding her is even working at that point) and she refuses. The topic is so sore that if I suggest she simply lay the baby down she will shut down and hide in the room with the screaming baby.

My productivity has plummeted. We have an extremely small apartment because we're looking to leave for the US and are saving up as much money as possible. I have no privacy, no peace to work, and I am continuously interrupted to hold the baby so she can even go to the bathroom or put on makeup because the baby's tolerance for not being held and walked is literally zero.

I honestly feel like there's something wrong with her. She is the unhappiest, neediest infant I have ever seen. It feels like she is deliberately trying to ruin my wife's life. The crying feels malicious at this point.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum The baby has never stopped being high maintenance. I have been told by everyone we've talked to, including mothers of 6 children, that she is extremely difficult.

At almost 9 months she is meeting all her milestones. However, she does not entertain herself and requires constant supervision. She still wants to be held even though she's several times as big as she was.

• She quickly figures out toys and discards them.
• She does not like to be sat on the floor.
• She does not like baby play pens.
• She does not like her crib.

Further, we discovered that the baby is lactose intolerant to cow's milk and that was why she was in so much discomfort. My wife is a vegetarian so she already has a limited diet. Without dairy, she is restricted to a vegan diet. All her favorite foods are off limits until the baby is eating solids exclusively.

She requires constant attention by at least one parent at a time. We can't eat together anymore. She sleeps through the night, but does not nap anymore. So at 8am~10am she wakes up and cries immediately until we get up. She remains active until about 10pm. We have about one hour to ourselves at night and that's it.

As a result my wife wants to stop having children. Our original plan was that she would be stay-at-home. With this one very difficult baby, she does not want anymore.

It has been extremely difficult. I wish she was an easier baby.

You still have the exact same tone as you did six months ago?

It's clear that some things have changed - for example discovering and addressing the cow's milk allergy has presumably made your child less uncomfortable and you have seen some kind of improvement in her? And yet when you write about it you frame it as just another burden on your wife. Incidentally quite a few people on this thread, me included, suggested you look into this as a possibility so it's interesting that you are not acknowledging that the advice you got here before was in some way helpful.

I understand you have a high-needs baby. Mine was the same: it was hard. If she's working out toys quickly she may well be pretty intelligent, which can be very frustrating for a baby: she may well be far happier once she's mobile, verbal, able to investigate everything she wants to. Based only anecdotally on what I've seen myself in other children, her long stretches awake might might MIGHT lean toward some kind of neurodiversity but that will remain to be seen in years to come. She might simply be one of those kids that babyhood simply doesn't suit too well.

I understand that you're frustrated and worn out, and hopefully you are using this space to vent and this isn't representative of your general attitude towards and about your child. I'd like to hear what your wife's perspective on all this is. Have you sought any other help or support for yourself/her? I think a lot of people last time you posted were very concerned about you.

It would be useful to hear what you have tried with your baby and what, if anything, has helped. Do you/does your wife take her to activities? Are there things she enjoys doing or responds positively to? You say she's hitting her milestones, what does that look like? Are there things that you do with her that you enjoy? I'm not sure whether you are here looking for more advice.

@GoldFive it sounds like your wife has done a an amazing job breastfeeding for so long- there is so much pressure on mums to keep going as long as possible but if it's really impacting on your wife's life that could be something to consider phasing out.
At 9 months she won't be far away from crawling - once she's mobile your wife might get a break from carrying.
Do you have a good sling or baby carrier? I wear this inside when my baby just wants to be held it helps my back!

Reframe things

Your DD was in huge amounts of pain for a long time from something that should have been comforting - feeding!

IME babies who have been through that take a long time to get over the trauma.

She is sleeping 10-12 hours at night which is great you are well rested. Nearly all adults can thrive on 7-8 hours solid sleep a night which gives you 2 hours when you are awake and she isn't use that time wisely.

She may be over stimulated hence unable to nap. What happens if you take her on a car ride 1pm ish does she ever fall asleep then?

She sounds exactly like all 3 of my babies 🤷🏻‍♀️ Standard baby stuff, except that none of mine slept that many hours straight at night, would you prefer the 30-60 min wakings that my dc1 did all night every night until he was 2.5 years? Your tone about your baby is terrible.

What an unhelpful and judgmental post. I would suggest you ask MN to delete it.

We both love our daughter. If I sound curt I am not trying to be.

"I'd like to hear what your wife's perspective on all this is."

She is very tired. She stopped going to university before she got pregnant, so she had to adjust from being able to do anything we wanted to having zero free time in a single day.

We have this very tiring cycle of saying "at X months she should get better" but it never happens. She started teething at 6 months and hasn't stopped. She already has 6 teeth in and uses them to bite her nipples.

The baby can crawl already but she is very destructive. She crawls to knock stuff over and will reach for anything she can try to pull on top of herself, so she cannot be left unattended. We bought a plastic barrier to put her in full of all her toys and a TV to watch Disney on but she doesn't stay content very long. We have both tried moving her play exclusively to this area so she gets used to it, but it has not worked. She will just sit and start screaming after about 5 minutes.

She also has a sixth sense for carboard. I don't know how to explain this without sounding like I am lying or exaggerating, but she doesn't play with anything unless it's cardboard, which is a problem because she wants to eat carboard. She knows what it feels like and she wants to eat it every time.

On my desk is a lot of computer equipment. When she is in my lap so my wife has time to do things on her own, she can play with anything on my table. The only thing she cannot do is put things in her mouth. She can smash and bang on anything she wants, but after doing that for a few minutes she starts to pull keys off the keyboard and shove them directly into her mouth. She has figured out how to do this and has doesn't stop. When I'm holding her it's mostly this game of her pulling off keys and me putting them back on as soon as she does in a little cycle.

She also is obsessed with trying to eat my shoes, so I have to put them on the stairs to keep them out of reach. To my amazement, despite not being able to crawl on all fours, she managed to drag herself up four steps to try and eat my shoes.

So I guess saying she doesn't know how to entertain herself is wrong. She does. It's just that what she finds entertaining is very specifically things that are dangerous to her, and nothing that is suitable for babies.

hopefully you are using this space to vent and this isn't representative of your general attitude towards and about your child

I second this. OP you still sound like you resent your baby (who sounds completely normal btw) and I think you need mental health support.

Lower your expectations of her massively.

I’ve got to say that the early stuff sounds really hard but the more recent posts sound kind of like normal baby behaviour - except for the lack of any naps in the day. Will she nap in a buggy/carrier or car? Being overtired won’t be helping her behaviour.

It sounds like you are expecting time alone just the two of you - for a lot of parents that just isn’t possible for the first few years. My oldest is 2.5 and we’ve been out for dinner without her twice since she was born. It’s really hard and that loss of freedom is shit. No real advice on that one, just solidarity.

It sounds like you’re all exhausted from the trauma of the first months (totally understandable) so perhaps not being entirely objective now (again, totally understandable). I had an awful time with my first (not a particularly difficult baby in the day but she didn’t sleep and I had post natal depression) and it took me a long time after things objectively got better to stop thinking “motherhood is awful, what the hell have I done?”.

One last thing, if you have, understandably, got into the mindset of just thinking you have a difficult child then you really need to try to get out of it. It’s not easy but if you carry on thinking that and telling everyone that she will eventually pick up on it which really won’t be good for her.

Hate to break it to you but teething is an ongoing process 😂 It doesn’t start and swiftly stop when a couple of teeth come through, they have a lot of teeth? It just sounds like you’re entirely unprepared for what parenting actually is and what babies are like.

This is all standard baby stuff.

She's being a baby!! I think you need to reset your expectations. You want your baby to be curious, pulling things down, putting things in their mouth, wanting to explore. That is totally developmentally normal. A small baby that sits quietly in a designated play area and does not explore further would be a concern.

OP it sounds like we have the exact same baby. It gets better. Trust me. My DD is just 14 months and the last couple of months have been massively better. She's still high needs, that's just her personality, but she is also intelligent, funny, showing love and affection, starting to talk, walking, enjoying her 3 days a week at nursery (as do I!) I have diagnosed PTSD from her early days and it sounds like you do too. Get some therapy, it helps. And please please please trust that it does get better. You do need to figure out the sleep schedule though because once I got her onto one nap (at 10 months 😱) everything got SO much better. 1hr 30 in the middle of the day to myself? Winning. Also could you work towards slightly earlier bed and wake times, that way you would get more adult time in the evening.

If people haven't had high needs babies they just don't appreciate how difficult it is. I do. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. You will look back one day soon as this will all be a distant memory.

Your update is completely standard baby behaviour - you both seem to have huge expectations of a 9 month old.
The no nap in the day however is odd, and probably makes her more unhappy because she's overtired.

You have a normal baby.

You have unrealistic expectations.

I was on the thread when you first started it OP. The initial days sounded tough, my first baby was a bad sleeper, it's so gruelling.

Your more recent post though just sounds like a very normal baby. Is your wife still up a lot? I remember you talking before about the baby sleeping through, but she was actually up for multiple feeds a night.

You need to adjust to not being able to take your eyes off her, that's only going to get worse for a while yet, and then it will get better at about 2 or 3.

She has to put her back to bed a few times a night. She's frustrated that the baby will not sleep without feeding and will not accept a pacifier.

The baby feels very normal now and we both try and write off her difficulties as being 'too smart', but I think most people feel that way about their babies.

We listen to a few YouTubers and it is sometimes so painful to hear them talk about how their baby can watch TV or play with something for an hour straight. It's like a knot in the gut. You can see the baby on camera just playing for a 30 minute long video without any cuts so you know it's not a lie. Our baby was born at the same time as these people's and they've always had seemed to have it easier.

Today's been a good day and she's actually napping for the second time already which is unusual. She eats well too but a lot of it goes in her nose.

The one thing she does very well is go outside. She will sit and sleep in her car seat for about an hour at a time without problems. She will also hang out in a carrier as long as I can hold her until she is hungry. She likes watching stuff go on.

I don't have many complaints anymore, I just wish she could watch TV for a while sometimes.

Some kids don't have the TV setting unfortunately - friends of ours had to put real effort in to getting their eldest to watch TV. It's ok though.

The advantage you have is that there are two of you and one of her, so at the weekends make sure that you both get plenty of time off.

Finally, again - if she has to be put back to bed several times a night, that's far from sleeping through! And that's fine and normal at this age, but it is exhausting, especially if your wife is having to feed every time. She must be absolutely shattered.

Everything you're saying is very normal. It's also normal to find the upheaval of the first year very difficult (we sure did).

She isn't trying to eat your shoes, unless you aren't feeding her enough (why am I thinking of a weird Charlie Chaplin or laurel and hardy scene with eating shoes 🤔🤔) she's learning about things and teething. Both those activities involve the mouth.

Stop trying to force the poor kid to watch TV. Maybe when she's older she'll love Paw Patrol, but atm she is too young.

Does she go in a baby walker? Or is she too "destructive" in one?

She still wants to be held even though she's several times as big as she was.

LOL good luck with this. My 15kg 3 year old still wants to be held all the time. Because shes, you know, a small child.

Get to the gym in the hour you have away from your completely normal demon baby.

Just to say, the fact the first is high needs (mine had silent reflux) doesn’t mean subsequent children will be. DC2 was sleeping 12-6 at 4 weeks old and 7-7 consistently from 6 weeks, my first two are like chalk and cheese.

The problem is still with your expectations not your baby.

Did you really think parenting was going to consist of a baby calmly watching TV and playing with toys in an approved area? 😂😂

My first would crawl for the following items at first: phone chargers, my phone, the bin (which they'd then overturn). They try to eat cat food and worms. They stick objects up their nose. They are very good at detecting danger but they toddle towards it!

And yes they want to be held a lot.. That's the same at 3 months and often 3 years.

Parenting is lovely, and they give so much back but it's also exhausting slog.

Honestly OP it sounds like you are part of the active baby club. I was you 15 years ago. I always laugh when I hear other people describe their babies as active and then I describe mine. Non sleepers, non bottle taking, hyper active, wouldn’t be put down, wouldn’t be held by anyone but me, wide awake at 4am, waking the whole road screaming at 2am, can’t entertain themselves, need constant stimulation not to mention when one of mine started to climb the furniture… yup I’ve been there and got the t-shirt. Twice! We were sure the second baby would be easier and we’d get one of those perfectly cute and easy going kids (my sister got one of those!) but no, my son was a pain even worse!!

we were exhausted and clueless and couldn’t work out what we did wrong.

but turns out they are both the easiest going teenagers. I kid you not. Loving, non argumentative (for the most part!), gets themselves up for school without issue, academic without any nagging to do homework and they are both the sportiest kids on the block being in every team going. So swings and roundabouts- I paid my dues early on and now reaping the rewards. I honestly know how awful it feels when you are going through it. When you just want sleep and you want time alone with your partner but your baby just won’t let you. You are tired and grumpy and questioning why on earth this seemed like a good idea. And why does everyone else have that amazing easy going kid and you blame yourself that you must be a crappy parent as yours is that crazy one. All our friends took their babies and toddlers on holiday but we had to wait until the first was 5 as we’re not sure we couldn’t control them on the plane

but then they grow up a bit and it gets easier and they can communicate better. They also can start to get up on their own in the morning with instructions no to disturb us and get their own food and put the Tv on. Masssive game changer.

you will get through it. One day you will not remember the bad stuff as much and you find yourself just wanting to hold that 9 month old as you look at the child who is now taller than you.

you aren’t weird. Just hire babysitters as often as you can and pop out for an hour or so to the pub with your partner and have some quiet time

It does sound as if sleep is still an issue for all three of you.
Are you able/willing to get your daughter a nursery place? They will get her into a daytime routine which you can follow through on at home. They will have seen it all and will be able to give you a real (not just anecdotal) idea of how she is compared to others of the same age.