My 3-month-old is going to end our family plans before they begin

[GoldFive]

I am a father and my baby was born in September. I work from home. My wife is a full-time mother. We had plans to have many children but she is about to break.

My daughter is the most high-needs child I have ever seen. She usually sleeps a full night, ever night, but then is awake from morning until 10pm. She requires constant attention.

The main breaking point is that she demands to be held and walked. Constantly. I mean that without any exaggeration. There is about a 30 minute long grace period after she wakes up where she is content to lay down but after that you must be holding her, standing up, and walking. If you sit down, she screams immediately. If you stand still, she screams immediately. If you try to lay down with her, she screams immediately. She demands to be held by the groin or by the thigh with her back to your stomach. She does not want to be held more comfortably facing you. I have repeatedly tried to change this behavior and it doesn't work.

My wife is convinced that letting the baby cry will cause her to grow into a serial killer, so she does not allow it to cry. She will stand and walk with the baby 16 hours a day, every day. Her back hurts, she's in emotional turmoil, and she lashes out at me. She is very frustrated but refuses to let the baby cry. I've insisted that she lay the baby in her crib (especially when she's being walked and crying anyways, because it's not like holding her is even working at that point) and she refuses. The topic is so sore that if I suggest she simply lay the baby down she will shut down and hide in the room with the screaming baby.

My productivity has plummeted. We have an extremely small apartment because we're looking to leave for the US and are saving up as much money as possible. I have no privacy, no peace to work, and I am continuously interrupted to hold the baby so she can even go to the bathroom or put on makeup because the baby's tolerance for not being held and walked is literally zero.

I honestly feel like there's something wrong with her. She is the unhappiest, neediest infant I have ever seen. It feels like she is deliberately trying to ruin my wife's life. The crying feels malicious at this point.

Based on the last paragraph, I advise you to seek help immediately. It is not healthy for you to feel like this about your child.

You both need help. Try a sling for the baby, and see your doctor for you and your wife. Both of you sound as though you're suffering from depression.
12 week old babies want to be on their mother constantly, the fact she sleeps through is amazing. I would suggest she needs a check up if she wants to be upright constantly, she could have reflux and laying down might hurt her. Something has to give, you can't continue as you are.

Have you take the baby to the drs to see if there is a medical problem?

I should add that family visited over Christmas. They were convinced my stories were the exaggerations of first-time parents. There's no way that she could literally require constant attention and walking. Surely a highchair must work, or a walker, or a rocker, or a play mat, or something. No.

All the Christmas gifts are unused. We buy stuff from Amazon constantly to see if anything else helps. They get returned the same day. Nothing helps.

Your baby is 3 months old. She’s not doing one thing in a malicious way as their brain doesn’t work like that.

If your daughter constantly likes to be on the move then can you and/or your wife put her in the buggy and go on walks. Can you drive her around? I don’t have a car and both of my kids like movement so I’m forever taking long bus journeys to settle them. Can you buy a swing chair for your daughter as they usually swing for 30mins and can give your wife some time to have a shower or eat something.

What are you doing to look after your child and help settle her? I hope you’re finding ways to support your wife if she spends the majority of time with DD

You both need to make an appointment to see the GP, or talk to your HV or midwife quite urgently.

No one is going to underplay how much having such a high needs baby affects you. It’s hideous. But as I read through it sounds like your wife may have PND, the way you describe her shutting down when you try and talk and being so nervous about letting your baby cry, and your last paragraph is worrying too.

It will get better, and there is help out there. Make an appt and start the ball rolling on CMPA test and therapies or medicine to help you cope IF you need it.

This sounds so hard.
Im hoping English is not your first language and as such you refer to your daughter as ‘it’? She is your baby daughter.

Agree that and the last paragraph show how strained you and your wife are- understandably. No, the baby is not doing anything maliciously.
Please seek help

Yes. She has regular checkups. The doctor does not believe it's cholic because she will stop crying if being held and walked. He thinks we are exaggerating and was actually a massive dismissive dickhead when concerns were brought up.

Do you have good health visitors in your area? Has your wife spoken with them? It’s also worth you contacting the GP to ensure there isn’t a health reason for the crying.
Babies do not cry maliciously- they cry because something is wrong.
You both sound exhausted and now is the time to seek help.

I hope this isn’t real? I’m not sure you’ve seen many babies. It’s a normal biological need to be held. Look up fourth semester.

You sound really derisive with the serial killer comment. I wouldn’t let my baby cry either.

What support do you give your wife? Do you also parent the baby because there’s no mention of this in Your post?

What advice have you sought about the baby? Whilst it’s normal for them to want to be held, they shouldn’t cry that much so you should probably get her checked out.

she does not allow it to cry.

I think you need to get yourself some help quite urgently.

She's a baby, she doesn't want stuff, she wants her mother. I'm not saying it isn't hard, it is. Parenting is hard.

Referring to the doctor as a dickhead isn’t helpful. Make an appointment with a different one.
Have you tried a bouncy chair? There are also cribs which move I think.

Carriage walks do work. Driving also works, but only when the car is in motion. It actually astounds me that she can tell when we're at a red light. I really don't get it.

The issue is that nothing gets done. Sure we can talk walks around the park for an hour or two a day (and we do, because the gravel roads seem to help with digestive issues), but chores don't get done and work doesn't get done on a walk. She has no time to do anything beside watch YouTube videos while walking in circles like a hamster in a wheel all day.

Everything is a phase. Your baby will not be like this forever. Probably not for very many weeks longer in fact. It sounds like she likes to see what’s going on. I would try a sling with a forward/world facing function. Once she has the head control to sit up in a buggy then she’ll probably love going for walks like that.
It’s great (and unusual) that she sleeps all night! Unusual that she doesn’t nap during the day though. Not unusual that she’s awake at 10pm.
Is there anywhere else you can work/that your wife can go with the baby during the day? Trying to work in an apartment with a small 3month old was always unlikely to be a workable plan, whatever your child’s temperament.
You need to get some perspective - if your wife is coping ok could you go away for a couple of days to get out of the trap of feeling like your baby is malicious? If she needs help, could you go and visit family together and have some more hands to help hold the baby? Or she could go and you could stay and catch up on work? Time to call for reinforcements!

It's hard. My baby had/has colic and at the worst I spent 6 hours walking with her one evening.
I found that a sling helped.
Has your baby been checked for reflux or cmpa?
Have you considered cranial osteopathy?

I don't let my baby cry for more than a few minutes because she's only 3 months old and still needs close contact with me. It sounds like your wife is doing the same.

Forget the chores for now- they are not important.

Pnd can be real for dads too. I think you may need help by the way you speak about your child

but based on needing to be upright, my son had reflux and couldn’t stand to lie down. It was GORD so acid and heartburn with it too. Speak to the HV or dr.

crying is the only way your baby can communicate.

Perfectly natural and normal for a mother to cuddle her newborn rather than leave her to cry.

The thing that stood out to me is that the baby must be utterly exhausted, they need daytime sleep at that age. You need to figure out some way to get the baby to sleep, by hook or by crook, and get those naps in. In the car, sling, buggy, whatever. If she won't sleep, why? CMPA, silent reflux, wind? Colic is a nonsense term that just means unexplained crying, although it's often used to mean wind. if you go to the doctor with a clear description of the behaviour they may be able to help with fixing it.

It sounds like your wife needs help (although tbh, anyone would find it to be hell with a difficult baby, and a husband insisting you put the crying baby down isn't going to help).

I'm so sorry it's so hard. I've been at breaking point in the early stages. However a little crying at this age is really ok. It's ok for her to get used to being still, or being put down for a minute or two. Agree with other posters, a sling will be hugely helpful for you. Also, a swing might help if she's ok to put put in one that's constantly moving, it works really well for us.

Your baby will not turn into a serial killer if left crying for a minute or two, it's simply not true. For all your sanities something has to give. Wishing you all the best and a big handhold

Feeling as if your baby has malicious intent is a symptom of Post-natal depression. Fathers can get this too.

Your baby doesn't yet have an understanding that she is a different person, or even really understand what people are or understand that the thoughts, feelings and perceptions in her own head are different from those in other people's heads and that there's ways to communicate those thoughts between different heads. All of these are development stages that come way way later. She simply cannot be doing this deliberately, she doesn't yet know how. All she knows is whether or not she is comfortable and having all her needs met (not wants, needs). If she isn't, then yes she will cry.

She may well be having reflux issues as PP suggest. I know this must be really tough, but it won't last for ever, and sooner or later something is going to work that makes her happier.

So baby is 3-4 months old? And she's sleeping through from 10pm-morning with no feed and then not napping during the day? That sounds VERY unusual for a 3-4 month old. Have you tried waking her in the night for a feed? Maybe she needs more daytime sleep, but is struggling to get it because she's having a long stretch overnight. IIRC, DD at a similar age was napping at least 2 hours per day at that age, and then going down to bed around 8pm, dream feeds at 11pm and 3am, then wakeup for the day around 7. Wondering if you can get the sleep sorted whether she may be less grouchy whenever she's put down.

Sling library to find one that works for you.
Go and work from a cafe for some work peace occasionally
Silent Reflux if she hates lying down?
Is she happy during any activities/baby classes? Swimming?

As someone who's had tricky baby times telling your wife to let the baby cry is not helpful or a solution.