Feb 2011 - First year over! Whatya mean it gets more difficult!

[wigglesrock]

Handing out , and birthday cake

Morning all,

Well the night was OK, she woke right after I posted so we calpoled then, and she then slept through, her breathing was a bit fast so I know she still had a temp, but she seemed to settle. Then woke at 5 chatted for a bit then slept until half seven. Her temp was a bit up this morning so we calpoled again and it's back down now. So fingers crossed it's something mild that she is fighting off. Could just be teeth wiggles ...

Other than that, she's been good this morning, although I am beginning to think we will have to live in a hotel as she seems to like a breakfast buffet...two spoons of porridge, a bit of scrambled egg, some bread & cheese, and a bite of fruit. She'll have to go live at the Holiday Inn.

Have a nice weekend all, enjoy the Airing of the House Deb .

Dx

Glad C is ok.

I haven't read your thread deb but I don't need to get obsessed with Airing the house, we live in a drafty old farm house so it has built in daily airing! Don't think you are skanky.

Nice quiet day at home today now that Joseph's swimming is done.

I have just dragged myself out of bed. I was home yesterday with vomiting and still feel absolutely shattered. I've managed to keep some food down so fingers crossed it's over.

Happy late birthday to Romilly if choco is lurking.

Can't really remember anything else said.

Poor you expat, hope you feel better quickly :(

Hi girls.

Congratulations Auntie ledkr!

Expat- hope you feel better soon.

Debka- I haven't read your thread. I hope everything is ok?

Delia- I'm glad c is ok, it must be such a worry.

Hubbard- I understand your worries but I'm sure Tom will be just fine.

I am not so good, I'm feeling. Very anxious about the coming couple of weeks. Dh and I both had a wee cry last night, I hate reliving that horrid, horrid day of the 26th. I need your strength and hand holding please ladies, I didn't think I would feel this bad.

deb did she ever elabourate on the smell was it skanky man or stuffy air?? I dont air my flaming house its too cold.
I cant imagine how you ever "got close" to him tbh.

blizy I thought it would be bad for sure.I wish i could help i really do i cant imagine how you are going to get through it.
The only thing maybe is to try not to torture yourselves.
Her loss is painfull at any time of the year isnt it? and you will never forget her,you dont need a certain day to do that,its just another day in your life of which grief for Zoe is a big part.
Does that make sense?
Making yourself feel worse isnt going to change anything. You still went through what you,thats the same today as it is on the 26th.

Thanks Debka! . U hope you are ok, I can imagine that was not nice to hear. Airing the house will make a huge difference, I am doing mine at the minute I love feeling the cool air blowing in through the windows.

I have a family party tonight, can see it far enough but I will go as it is my fab cousin ( the only one of my extended family who bothered to come to our wedding). Not looking forward to seeing my aunt whose husband died recently, I just know she will have a go at me about the wedding and because I didn't to uncles funeral. All fun and games here NOT!

I'm a bit bored today, Dh working, I have done all my cleaning so I might just go pamper myself in the bath for a bit.

Hope you are all having a good weekend.

Ledkr you are helping by listening to my woes- for that I am so very grateful. What you say does make sense in theory. But almost impossible to practice, believe me I have tried so hard. I do grieve for Zoe every minute of every day but it's just these milestones that hit us really hard. We should be organising her first ever party instead we are just trying to get ourselves through the days. The next few weeks are full of "special" dates, her due date on tues, the date of her death, her birthday, the day I should have been Induced an the date of her funeral. I have even noticed mothers day crap in the shops already so have that to look forward to as well. It is just never ending and so bloody exhausting.

Massive hug blizy I can't imagine the immense heart ache you are feeling. Those significant dates are going to be difficult, you need to 'feel' your way through them, cry, wail, sit in silence etc etc as you need to. We are most definitely all here for you. Stood next to you holding your hand (virtually!). You are so wonderfully honest on here and imvho I think that you will get through fine and with time your emotions will become less raw and shocked. You are always going to be missing a part of your heart, but as I have seen with my lovely friend who's dd1 died at 11 months over ten years ago it will get less intense. Still terribly terribly sad and awful but I suppose you gain some acceptance. Sorry if you think I'm talking shit. X

44me Here is the only place I can be really honest about my feelings, I hate to burden dh as he just worries about me, which I feel is not fair as he has his own grief to deal with too. I know have to go with my feelings, ride the roller coaster and hope I come out the other end. I do have good days, to be honest there are more good than bad but as I said the milestones floor me.
Thank you for your support and you are not talking shit.

Oh blizy I had been thinking about you yesterday and today, thinking how you must be feeling looking at the coming weeks. I have no advice of any use, but am holding your hand really tight (I think I've squished your fingers a bit), and hoping that the next few weeks are, if possible, the least difficult that they could be. You and DH just have to stick together, and do whatever feels right, if that's battoning down the hatches and staying home, or going out and doing things whatever it takes to get through it. You never know, you might find that things peak around now, and then it might really get easier, I don't mean you will forget or that you won't grieve, of course you will, forever, but maybe getting through all the 'firsts' is more painful than the future milestones will be.

Anyway, thinking of you and of Zoe Bear lots at the moment.

Dx

Just hugs to blizy, in our thoughts. xxx

Glad C is much better Delia and hope you feel better soon expat.

Hoping to persuade my dh to take the dcs out for ages today so I can clean the bloody house. I'm embarrassed too debka!

Hope you are all having lovely Saturdays.

blizy words just fail me tbh. A year ago you must've planned things to be so so different to how they are now, and then you hoped to be pg again by Zoes birthday. It all must feel so raw and hopeless at the minute, please please rant to us as much as you need to [hugs]

deb I just wrote you a reply to your very kind fb comment and quickly had to go back to delete it as I mentioned something about house smells and didn't want your DH to read it and realise the whole mn community knew about your house issue - hope I was quick enough

tad hope you manage to get some time to clean the house

delia hope C is OK. I think it's only natural to worry about hospital given what happened last time, but just think chances of that happening once, let alone twice, are small

ledkr sorry if I missed a post but I assume PIL didn't come this week end?

ohh american hope you're on the mend soon, is Leo OK?

I managed to make a massive butternut squash, spinach and mushroom lasagne today to freeze for Alice's birthday lunch next week end. Glad it's done but it felt like it took aaagggggeeeeessssss to make [domestic godess]

oh, keep meaning to ask - are people still doing a milk feed first thing in the morning? How long do we keep this up for? especially bfers? I usually give alice a bf as she wakes up and then cereal an hour later (maybe 8am ish) but I've noticed she's started getting more hungry before the house is up so I'm not sure whether to do the milk/breakfast closer together or drop the milk feed or what

reastie not BF and back at work so timing comes into play, but yes, C has milk first thing, then breakfast, it might be up to an hour later at the weekend, but much closer in the week, so the second half of the milk sort of turns into the drink she has with breakfast IYSWIM.

blizy you're right dates/events will hit you very hard, it'll continue all through your life because you will always be Zoes Mum and she'll always be your first child - first day of school, birthdays, Christmas, but Zoe will always be the shining star of both you and dhs life - your very precious daughter and the very precious big sister to all your children.

As everyone else has said we are all here for you, even if it helps to shout at us or wail at the fucking unfairness of life. You're our friend and we all stand beside you or holding you up.

Hope tonight goes ok and remember what I taught you, what to say to your charming aunt? That's right "fuck away off"

reastie - L doesn't get milk in the morning, he gets a few minutes to wake up then straight to breakfast. He gets milk in his cup during the day, sometimes a bottle in the afternoon then another before bed (but he only drinks about 4oz generally). He's been having more milk today though for some reason.

blizy - reastie said everything I was going to say. Things were so different a year ago, weren't they? I think about you and Zoe a lot (the hospital where she was born came up at work last week and I thought of you immediately). We're all here to hold your hand. [hugs]

I'm feeling a bit better now, I can keep down a bit of food. L seems to be fine so far, fingers crossed.

americanexpat glad you're feeling a bit better, take it easy x

deliaskis glad C is on the mend, all of the girls are "buffet" eaters in this house, Sofias favourite is cheese, ham, cucumber, fruit, and maybe some kind of breakfast muffin, all separate mind . When my sister got married last year, we stayed overnight in the hotel and Sofia nearly burst with joy when she saw the breakfast buffet in the restaurant

Sofia and Olivia stayed last night with my parents, they usually have a sleepover every couple of months. The girls had a fab time, Anna cramps their style a bit . My Dad took them both to soft play this morning (weather dreadful here), and he actually enjoyed himself . Said he can't remember the last Saturday morning he was able to sit and read the paper for over an hour without my Mum insisting something had to be brought down/put up in the loft!!

Hope we all have lovely Saturday nights. We're dvding it again tonight - Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy - will not be watching and MNing, think I'll have to have my smarts about me for this one

blizy i hope you dont think i was underestimating your feelings at all,i just tried to help you see it another way-im a bit crap really,of course dates will be terrible. Having had my fair share of crap in my life i can highly recommend not with holding your feelings,men like to be strong for us it helps them centre their grief. Dh alkways says now that when d was ill he was so worried about me that he didnt have time to think about her.

I am also in awe of a good breakfast buffet,the one at the hilton in reading in better than sex Dilly is still a bit hit and miss with food but she definately does have a bottle first thing as im not up to doing breakfast at 6am grrrrr. She has her bottle whilst i have my first cuppa and scowl at her for being up so early. I also watch things ive sky plussed,if ss could see me sat watching zombie films or geordie shore with my 1 yr old next to me.

Dh is just heating an asda curry for out tea,nom nom.I have just spent 105 quid on shopping as i am re starting slimming world monday,i have planned my menu for the whole week,i am so desperate to wear my lovely clothes once again.

ledkr Mr W watched the Hurt Locker today with Anna when I was at work, she fell asleep 20 mins in .

Right really have to go concentrate on film

Hello all just a quick one from me, we have had exhausting day with pil including dp and his mum falling out, will update you all tomo (not wanting a fuss but am ready for bed!)

Anyway I have been popping on and lurking all day, just wanted to say to blizy that I can only really second what everyone has said and to be honest I think you're amazing for getting through each day, if its ok with you we should all take some time to remember Zoe on her birthday and tell her that she is so missed? Keep posting we are here for you xx h and hope tonight is ok, keep wiggles advice in mind to deal with any pesky aunts

Oh and deb I saw your thread - I havn't aired my house out for aaaages - its too cold! But it makes sense so gave it a good airing today - I think it makes it much fresher? ANyway I learned something from that thread so thanks

ledkr oh yes to the 6am-7am waking, I feel grateful if A sleeps til 7 I should't complain but then last night she had a bottle at 3am and then was still awake at 6.30 -I expect a bit of a lie in after that flippin babies

reastie I'm a bottle feeder but A still has a bottle first thing, am also too lazy to faff about making brekkie first thing. Can't see that changing for a while!

delia glad that C seems better, and big at her having to live at the holiday inn!

We took A to an all you can eat buffet with all kinds of food today - she did me proud! She was due a sleep and I thought she'd be a whinger but she was bouncing up and down in the high chair with a fistful of noodles laughing to herself, she had nan bread and chips too healthy - then when she got whingy I got her chocolate pudding and she was all smiles again The mess under her highchair at the emd was something else though

Right am off to bed after a well deserved , will be back tomo to update on pil

Ledkr- you didn't down play my feelings at all, I understood what you were saying.
Thank you all for being so very supportive as always.

Well the party was interesting, only about 4 people spoke to me, Not including my bro\sis. Ah well, Dh is my family now, as wiggles says the rest can fuck the way off!
I can't sleep tonight, too much whizzing around my head, Dh has been relegated to the spare room he is snoring super loud. Right I'm off to count some sheep. Night all and thank you.

Blizy, I hope your ok, just told dh about your 'family' and how you've been coping, and he thinks their a 'fucking horrible family' and dh never swears! you will make it through this and become even stronger, Zoe must be so proud of you and her daddy.

Off to pils for Noah's birthday party today. I made the catepillar cake and must say I am quite proud of it. My buttercream icing is gross tho so am popping into Morrisons to buy a cake on the way this morning!

Have good Sundays

blizy - I'm at your family. Do they lack basic human compassion? Agree with wiggles (as always): "fuck away off". If this is how they act when you need their support, you're better off shot of them.

wiggles - I saw TTSS in the cinema - good film but I definitely had to concentrate! One scene really disturbed me, where the woman was killed (hope you know what I mean, don't want to give too many details) but mostly due to having a baby the same age.

It only takes me a few minutes to make L's breakfast: oats/weetabix and milk in a bowl, into the microwave, mash in some banana, viola breakfast. He generally sleeps until 7 though, we leave for work/nursery about 8 so I don't think he'd be ready for breakfast before we left if I gave him a bottle.

Right, off to bleach the bathroom AGAIN and air the house a la deb.