Son still living at home

[momtoboys]

I am prepared to get a lot of unkind posts but I need to know how other parents of adult children would handle this.

I have 5 sons. One is 25. He has a high paying job, drives an old car and still lives at home. We do not ask him to pay any expenses such as rent, electric, cable, etc. He is mostly a pleasure to live with, very busy with work and his social life. He will do things around the house IF ASKED without complaint (at least to my face). He has been with us since he graduated from Uni and has been able to save a great deal of money. Well over $100,000. As far as I can tell he has no plans to move out anytime soon. Rent where we live would run at a minimum $1200 mo for a one bedroom. He does sometimes pay for a take away, if he goes to the market he will ask if we need anything and pay for whatever we request. My husband also told me last night that we still pay for all of our children's phones, too. All adults. That bill is now up to approximately $500 usd per month.

We really don't mind living with him and we love him very much but are we mugs for not getting any rent money? My DH and I are headed towards retirement and a few hundred dollars a month would be a nice bonus to sock away.

Yes! Charge him board and lodging and stop paying for phones. I think when children are starting out it’s fine to let them stay rent free but fully established in a good job? No - they need to pay and help towards the running of a household. He should also be doing stuff like preparing dinner one night a week - at least.

Someone who has $100,000 in his pocket should be using it to put a roof over his own head and live independently.

Quite apart from the rent thing, you should be encouraging him to be an independent adult. You are doing him no favours at all by letting him think he can shelve any thoughts of adulting because his mum and dad will do it all for him.

In most southern European cultures living at home at this age is perfectly normal. He should voluntarily contribute something though. And no don't pay his phone bills of course. Speak to him.
No judgement from me. I'm pretty sure I'll actually want mine to stay close for as long as possible and I really don't get this out of the house at 18 thing. I don't buy it being for teaching responsibility etc that'd imply half of Europe is not responsible adults. You can learn responsibility in other ways and having a nest egg is a good thing. Your son having saved shows responsibility and thoughtfulness towards the future. He should be asked to contribute to household chores, and bills and certainly pay his own though.

Take him to a mortgage broker. And tell him next month they all start paying for their own phones!

Fine him living with you but bring in rent and stop paying for their phones, that seems a ridiculous bill anyway, we only pay £10 per phone per month and that’s unlimited calls and 20gb data per month, if you leave your contract rolling over they tend to rip you off

Yes of course he should pay something towards the household. Split the costs of utilities and food by however many adults are in the house so he can pay his share. He should also be paying for his own phone as should your other adult children.

my DS is 22 and only started his first proper job this year, like your son we love having him around but he’s also an adult and needs to contribute.

Text them all that from the new year all phone contracts should be put in their names. Goodness I did that when my kids were 21 (except my dad who is at uni as it’s the only thing I pay for). And yes you should charge him rent. And if you want him gone suggest that it’s time he started looking!

I really can’t judge as we still pay for all three of our adult kids’ phones including our eldest who moved out of home 10 years ago but we are all linked on some kind of legacy family plan that is way cheaper than what we would pay if we changed it so we leave it be.

You do need to get some rent money though if he earns that much. We take a token $100 a week from the eldest still at home as we expect him to save and he needs to either cook dinner one night a week or pay for a takeaway. We no longer buy personal toiletries for him in the weekly shop either. DD is a year into her first proper job after Uni and is not well paid so she doesn’t pay anything but again is responsible for one dinner a week. She will often treat me to coffee or lunch so I will buy some bits and pieces for her.

Bottom line is whatever arrangement you have needs to be one that doesn’t disadvantage you. If the extra money would be welcome then it’s quite reasonable to say so.

I have an adult son at home who also has a good job and likes to save his money and who we like having here. He also took on some regular chores, like cutting the grass, and helps out otherwise when asked.

We charge him a minimal amount, $400 USD per month (which I think is about 300 in UK pounds). It's what we estimate it costs us to have him here, mainly just for his share of the grocery bill. To us, that's our happy medium, just more or less the extra it costs us to have him here.

If we didn't do that, I think I'd start to resent it, too. I'd guess it also makes him feel more comfortable too. Because otherwise, he's more like a guest instead of someone who can express his preferences or whatever.

You might just have a quick talk with all your kids and just say you need to tighten up your budget a bit so starting in the new year... You might also think of a regular chore or two the son who lives with you could do and talk to him about that. You could just tell him you're getting a bit old and could use a tad more help. I could see the transition seeming a bit awkward but it's really no big deal.

Thanks for the replies. All good points and I’m grateful for you taking the time!

I can't see the problem him still being at home, as long as you're happy to have him, not looking to downsize etc. He sounds like he's respectful and pleasant to live with. But he should absolutely be paying rent.
My 23 year old has a minimum wage job and contributes towards the household expenses. She gets a very good deal compared to what it would cost her to live independently, and she's welcome to stay as long as she wants.

My adult youngest D's lived at home contributing £50 PPE until he was almost 27. By then he had saved a deposit. He was a pleasure to have at home. He did some chores and cooked once a week and he's a great cook.

Largely because moving out it’s unaffordable though. Most people don’t really want to.

Why are phone bills so expensive in your country? What a rip off.

Charging for rent - what do you think? Do you want to? Thinking you are "mugs" is an unusual reason, what makes you worry about that?

Not showing much thoughtfulness to his parents though

We had conversations with both our children before the eldest went to uni. They obviously know we do not live with our parents and we explained when they started secondary that their goal is to ge a well paid job to afford to move out. This is laying out expectations. We also laid out our expectations for them post uni. They can live at home but must be working and saving for a house deposit.

Our eldest has now graduated and in a very well paid job. His phone contract was changed to him at 18 to help him build his credit but we transferred the £10 a month to him for his sim only deal, we buy phones outright. We covered him whilst at uni and once he got the job any phone he wants he does with his money, not ours. He doesn't pay any rent or money to us. He does do chores, unasked, his own laundry and cooks family meals. He also helps out with DIY and gardening stuff.

He is saving for a house and we talk about how much he has because he has talked to his brother about where to put his money so finances are openly discussed. He has a plan to move out in 2 years time. Both of them are always on Rightmove looking at local property prices. We also watch old episodes of Location, Location, Location with them to look at lots of houses and Love it or List it to see what you can do to a house. They very much have their eye on the future.

You need to sit down with your adult son and talk about what his plans are and when he is looking to move out. If he says at 30 you can say no and give a date you want him out by. Talk to your Dh about when you want the house back to yourselves. Also contact all the children and their phones are now to be paid by them and any other expenses you are currently shouldering.

When my kids came home after Uni we didn’t charge them rent but we did insist on them saving at least half of their take home pay- which was about equivalent of what rent would be if they lived elsewhere. This meant that a) they were building some financial resilience and b) not getting used to having an unrealistic amount of disposable “fun” money such that moving out and maintaining a certain lifestyle would become impossible.

Another approach: you change the dynamic: you are housemates not parent/child, and therefore jointly responsible for household expenses.

Of course he should be paying rent - he’s a 25 year old man! He shouldn’t really be living at home if you ask me.

Men like this who are spoiled by their parents always turn out to be nightmare husbands. They expect their wives to do everything just like their mothers. You need to teach him to be more independent and responsible.