Advice on how to cope with DD moving to Australia?

[iknowimcoming]

DD is 27, we are, and have always been, very close. Her partner (lived with for 3 years) is lovely and has been offered the job of a lifetime back home in Aus, so I’m thrilled for him, and delighted for the exciting adventures and opportunities she’s about to have, and I totally support their decision to go. But I’m also heartbroken, devastated and can’t stop crying (in private!) and honestly don’t know how I’m going to cope. Anyone been through this and can offer advice?

Aw sympathies OP 💐 not been through it with my own DC but I can easily imagine how tough it might feel. Be kind to yourself

DS disappeared off to Aus after a bad break up, around 7 years ago. We have had a few fantastic holidays over there, and he has been home pretty regularly, except for the two covid years.

Having gained a lot from the experience, and developed his career faster than he would have done in the UK (bigger fish in smaller pond over there), he is planning to come 'home' in the next couple of years.

A learning experience for all of us - but certainly not all negative, although I totally empathise with you current feelings.

Thanks both of you

thing is, some DC only move 4-5 hours away and virtually cut all ties.
its about keeping in touch and planning long holidays now

I'd be heartbroken too.

What stage of life are you at, OP?

Married, other children, working, nearing retirement?

My nephew moved to Australia and at first I thought we’d never see him but he does come back to visit more than I expected. We probably see him just as much as we would have done if he’d moved to another part of the UK tbh!

It's hard. Mine moved to Canada, not Australia, but still a flight away. It's really hard to start with, but honestly it becomes a "new normal". For me there were lots of tears when I was on my own, but I was happy for him.

Mine moved in the early 2000's when there was no video calls, just expensive phone calls. It is so much easier now to stay in touch.

We have made it work. Phone calls to start with regularly. For us it's weekend's as that is when we are both free. You need to work around the time difference.
We now video calls which is so much better. I have seen my grandchildren grow up over video. It was a life line during covid when there was no travel and my youngest grand child was born. Whatsapp is another way we keep in touch.

We visit each other usually every other year. I have had some fantastic holidays. He has a great life in Canada and very happy. That is all I have ever wanted for my child.

I moved to Australia for a decade when my dd were small and I was so fortunate that my mum could come out every year. She came after Christmas and stayed for about eight weeks. That way she missed a chunk of winter.

I was lucky though as she is retired, could afford it, was willing to do it and was healthy enough to do it. She made friends there and even took up a hobby. I think she was a bit put out when we came back! Looking back I feel like we spent more time together when I lived there than we did before or since.

Not a parent but a sibling.

I know it really bothers and upsets my mum that my brother lives in Australia, and sometimes she sees it as a personal rejection in that he moved so far away to be away from
her. But he calls her several times a week and messages every day, unless he’s busy with something.

He’s also active in the family group chat and the one we have for siblings. So we all make an effort to keep the relationship going.

He comes back for a 2 week visit once or twice a year, and if he’s holidaying in Europe he will always come back here for a few days too. But him and his fiancée have lots of disposable income and don’t have children yet so we fully expect that to change one day.

It does make me sad my children don’t know him that well, as I’m very close to him, but they seem to have a great bond when he does visit.

It is tough when they live so far away, but the closeness and relationship hasn’t changed in the almost 10 years he’s been there.

We have family over there and I have seen them very rarely. It is difficult to communicate with the time difference also, either very early here or late. Life goes on though, I think we all have to do what works for us.

I have siblings in the same country as me whom I’ve not seen in years.

I won’t deny that it’s hard. My DD moved to the USA 7 years ago and has met someone there and had a baby. They are both not US citizens and the likelihood of moving back is small. She also had a difficult time from 14 onwards with her mental health, we spent lots of time together and we are close.

Every so often she asked (before the baby at least) if she should feel guilty for being so far away. And I feel she has nothing to be guilty about. She is living her dream, doing what we raised her to do, she has a satisfying job and now a parent and a baby. And yes one can FaceTime and so on BUT we both have lives, there is a time difference…. I’m lucky that I can go there sometimes and we have had some lovely holidays all together.

One survives it, and it’s important at this stage of life that we have our own lives so we are not totally bereft, but like I say, it isn’t easy and it takes some adjustment. I wish you the best. People whose children don’t leave tell you it’s great you have raised them to be confident and so on. Which is all true. But it is a big change if you are close and your feelings are entirely reasonable!

My best friend did the same about 25 years ago and is now very settled there and has no plans to ever move back. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but on the plus side with the internet and digital communications we are in touch with each other every single day on WhatsApp and regularly speak on FaceTime. I speak to her more than I speak to some of my friends who live within a couple of miles from me. I know that it can't replace having her in the same room or giving her a big hug, but my friend is able to come home around once each year and so I do get to see her reasonably often. I think wages are better in Australia so it's more affordable for her to travel here than it is for me to go there, but I've been twice before I had kids and will go again more often once they are grown. My best friend has a wonderful quality of life out there, and a well paid and rewarding job. I often wish I'd made a similar move in my twenties, and I know there are visas that allow parents to join adult kids if that's something you'd consider in future if this becomes permanent? It's not easy and it is a big adjustment but it's so much better than it was 25 years ago when we managed a couple of phone calls a year and had to buy a special phonecard to make even that affordable!

Thanks to everyone who commented xx

I really feel for you. Can you afford to visit? Can you work from home, so you could go for an extended period and work from there?

Move with them

It's the only way I would survive

Fucking helpful isn't it

OP, My best friend is an Aussie living in the UK and has for 12y now, her DM is no longer around but she has the most wonderful relationship with her dad.
She is able to visit once a year and her dad has been over twice (he's in his 80s so it's harder for him to come this way). They talk ALL the time, once a week (Sunday morning for her) they have a non negotiable proper catch up, sometimes they've spoken 8 times that week and its 20 mins other times its an hour 😀 and every couple of days have a quick catch up, quite often whilst one is tidying up or something but they just chat as if theyre in the room together.

He will be the first to say it isn't easy and it takes work (simply due to timezones and life) and he keeps himself busy but they have kept a really beautiful relationship

Please don't do this - they're trying to forge their own lives without their mother in tow!

I moved to the UK in my early 20s, which was a 12 hour flight away. My mother told me how selfish I was...

My own DS is planning on living on another continent once he finishes uni. Of course I'll be sad (we're very close) but he needs to do what is right for his own career/life, and I'm delighted I've raised him to be independent and confident enough to do this. I know we'll still see each other, and will be in touch a lot - and as long as he's happy that'll be the most important thing for me.

My middle DD moved to Australia at 24. She'd been out for a holiday and just decided to move there to live because she loved it so much. It was awful when she first went, but then she very quickly got an excellent job which she could never have got over here, then a nice house. Knowing she was doing so well helped me a lot and we'd Facetime a lot and seeing how much she was enjoying her life was very reassuring.

Now she's got a baby, a big house, another terrific job and she's about to get married. I ache with missing her sometimes (particularly when she was pregnant), but I do get to go out once a year and have a fabulous holiday.

Communication is SO much better now than it used to be. And I tell myself that, if she'd moved to one of the more remote Scottish islands it might well take me 24 hours to travel to visit her, so Australia isn't SO bad...

The Scottish island comparison is interesting. It's probably not much more expensive to get to Australia and at least you're guaranteed good weather when you get there!!!

I drove up to Orkney a couple of years ago - it took me almost as long to get there as it does for me to fly to Melbourne - and flying there I just get on and off planes; driving was a LOT more complicated!

It's something I tell myself that helps me feel that my DD isn't quite so far away.

Even if you were to fly to Orkney from London, it would be quicker but you'd be lucky to get a ticket for less than £500 for which is also enough to buy a flight all the way to Australia if you are flexible about when you go.

Yep, I'm off to Oz in a few weeks and it's about £900 for a return flight, and it would be cheaper only it's getting close to Christmas and people flying in various directions to be home for the holidays.

It was cheaper to drive (to Orkney, not Oz) but it took a couple of days - and this was going from Yorkshire! Far worse if you're having to come from Cornwall.

Yes, my DD ( also 27), went to Australia last year. I can't pretend I wasn't absolutely gutted at first. I still miss her dreadfully, but we talk a lot on Whatsapp and we Facetime regularly. She still messages or calls us for advice.😅
She's met someone out there, and has a fab job, a lovely apartment and is very happy. So I'm proud of her. She plans to get PR there.
She's coming home for Christmas and will be excited to see her. She'll be taking rest of her stuff with her ( that will be hard), but we are planning a visit soon ourselves to see her.
I am retiring early ( hopefully), in a couple of years, so will plan a longer visit after we have done the first one.
I know EXACTLY how you feel OP, I was devastated at first, and couldn't stop crying. But life takes over as normal and it passes. We are so lucky in the digital world that it's so easy to keep in touch. You might not physically be able to hug her, but you can still be involved in her life . She will do things and see things that she's never had the opportunity to do.