Advice on how to cope with DD moving to Australia?

[iknowimcoming]

DD is 27, we are, and have always been, very close. Her partner (lived with for 3 years) is lovely and has been offered the job of a lifetime back home in Aus, so I’m thrilled for him, and delighted for the exciting adventures and opportunities she’s about to have, and I totally support their decision to go. But I’m also heartbroken, devastated and can’t stop crying (in private!) and honestly don’t know how I’m going to cope. Anyone been through this and can offer advice?

Aw sympathies OP 💐 not been through it with my own DC but I can easily imagine how tough it might feel. Be kind to yourself

DS disappeared off to Aus after a bad break up, around 7 years ago. We have had a few fantastic holidays over there, and he has been home pretty regularly, except for the two covid years.

Having gained a lot from the experience, and developed his career faster than he would have done in the UK (bigger fish in smaller pond over there), he is planning to come 'home' in the next couple of years.

A learning experience for all of us - but certainly not all negative, although I totally empathise with you current feelings.

Thanks both of you

thing is, some DC only move 4-5 hours away and virtually cut all ties.
its about keeping in touch and planning long holidays now

I'd be heartbroken too.

What stage of life are you at, OP?

Married, other children, working, nearing retirement?

My nephew moved to Australia and at first I thought we’d never see him but he does come back to visit more than I expected. We probably see him just as much as we would have done if he’d moved to another part of the UK tbh!

It's hard. Mine moved to Canada, not Australia, but still a flight away. It's really hard to start with, but honestly it becomes a "new normal". For me there were lots of tears when I was on my own, but I was happy for him.

Mine moved in the early 2000's when there was no video calls, just expensive phone calls. It is so much easier now to stay in touch.

We have made it work. Phone calls to start with regularly. For us it's weekend's as that is when we are both free. You need to work around the time difference.
We now video calls which is so much better. I have seen my grandchildren grow up over video. It was a life line during covid when there was no travel and my youngest grand child was born. Whatsapp is another way we keep in touch.

We visit each other usually every other year. I have had some fantastic holidays. He has a great life in Canada and very happy. That is all I have ever wanted for my child.

I moved to Australia for a decade when my dd were small and I was so fortunate that my mum could come out every year. She came after Christmas and stayed for about eight weeks. That way she missed a chunk of winter.

I was lucky though as she is retired, could afford it, was willing to do it and was healthy enough to do it. She made friends there and even took up a hobby. I think she was a bit put out when we came back! Looking back I feel like we spent more time together when I lived there than we did before or since.

Not a parent but a sibling.

I know it really bothers and upsets my mum that my brother lives in Australia, and sometimes she sees it as a personal rejection in that he moved so far away to be away from
her. But he calls her several times a week and messages every day, unless he’s busy with something.

He’s also active in the family group chat and the one we have for siblings. So we all make an effort to keep the relationship going.

He comes back for a 2 week visit once or twice a year, and if he’s holidaying in Europe he will always come back here for a few days too. But him and his fiancée have lots of disposable income and don’t have children yet so we fully expect that to change one day.

It does make me sad my children don’t know him that well, as I’m very close to him, but they seem to have a great bond when he does visit.

It is tough when they live so far away, but the closeness and relationship hasn’t changed in the almost 10 years he’s been there.

We have family over there and I have seen them very rarely. It is difficult to communicate with the time difference also, either very early here or late. Life goes on though, I think we all have to do what works for us.

I have siblings in the same country as me whom I’ve not seen in years.

I won’t deny that it’s hard. My DD moved to the USA 7 years ago and has met someone there and had a baby. They are both not US citizens and the likelihood of moving back is small. She also had a difficult time from 14 onwards with her mental health, we spent lots of time together and we are close.

Every so often she asked (before the baby at least) if she should feel guilty for being so far away. And I feel she has nothing to be guilty about. She is living her dream, doing what we raised her to do, she has a satisfying job and now a parent and a baby. And yes one can FaceTime and so on BUT we both have lives, there is a time difference…. I’m lucky that I can go there sometimes and we have had some lovely holidays all together.

One survives it, and it’s important at this stage of life that we have our own lives so we are not totally bereft, but like I say, it isn’t easy and it takes some adjustment. I wish you the best. People whose children don’t leave tell you it’s great you have raised them to be confident and so on. Which is all true. But it is a big change if you are close and your feelings are entirely reasonable!

My best friend did the same about 25 years ago and is now very settled there and has no plans to ever move back. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but on the plus side with the internet and digital communications we are in touch with each other every single day on WhatsApp and regularly speak on FaceTime. I speak to her more than I speak to some of my friends who live within a couple of miles from me. I know that it can't replace having her in the same room or giving her a big hug, but my friend is able to come home around once each year and so I do get to see her reasonably often. I think wages are better in Australia so it's more affordable for her to travel here than it is for me to go there, but I've been twice before I had kids and will go again more often once they are grown. My best friend has a wonderful quality of life out there, and a well paid and rewarding job. I often wish I'd made a similar move in my twenties, and I know there are visas that allow parents to join adult kids if that's something you'd consider in future if this becomes permanent? It's not easy and it is a big adjustment but it's so much better than it was 25 years ago when we managed a couple of phone calls a year and had to buy a special phonecard to make even that affordable!