Over a year ago I received a really harsh email from adult child, listing my many faults - they are right, I was verbally abusive as they grew up, I had previously discussed and apologised to them regarding this. Which isn't enough and would happily discuss whenever they felt ready. I am not proud of my parenting and have changed many aspects of my life to be better.
I agree with the essence of email, immediately recognised myself and have no one to blame or excuses for how I behaved. This has been the only approach towards them, no arguement or reasons why, agreeing with them, giving space and time when they asked for it. I am ashamed of my behaviour.
If they decide I am not to be in their lives to allow them peace and recovery, I understand it's their decision.
They did have a mental health crisis around that time and are still recieving treatment, which I am very glad for.
Within email was other issue/situations which simply didn't happen, I'm not deflecting or hiding from the truth. It took months for me to discuss with others apart from partner and therapist and I still have no idea how many of friends/family also received the exact same email, once I started bringing it up most nodded and said they also got it. Now I understand why I'm being blamed for ruining their relationships with friends and family, as others have responded questioning some of the untrue situations listed in email. As I can't really bring it up with them, I'm going in circles in my head who else has read not only my own shameful behaviour, (which would be hard, but no one to blame but myself for)but also some pretty awful things which really didn't happen. Iv had people approach me to talk about it, which is really hard if your not expecting it. Everyone so far has been gentle and expressing concern regarding adult child's reaction and subsequent no contact if they don't agree with them. I don't want this for them, I believe they need family and friends in their lives more than ever just now.
I know I probably won't ever bring it up to talk about as I understand it was written in anger and that moment has moved on, but im second guessing everyone, do they know lots of intimate stuff about me? Do they believe I could do the untrue stuff? The email went pretty personal and private about lots of issues and I'm feeling violated I suppose. Iv openly talked with people who approached me and I agreed with my actual behaviour and discussion how I'm dealing with it, some broach the others aspects of email and say they know me and find it hard or actually impossible some of it.
I know I caused this damage, being honest and open is the only way to hopefully repair to some degree.
As time is going by I still ruminate on the false stuff as I can't do anything about it, I don't know how many people I know, or don't know have so much private info on me. Is every message between us being shared?
How do I move forward from this?
,