Need help for stressful situation with adult ds moved in and feeling hopeless about his life and future

[Myplantsmyrules]

My ds27 has moved in with is and is getting depressed and losing hope about his future.

We downsized last year to a small quiet village so we only have a box room (my office) for him to stay in. We're over an hour away from the closest city.

We bought this house in this location for the peace and quiet as we get older, and it feels cramped and stressful for all of us now on a daily basis.

He's looking for a job but despite working for 10 years he's had a few different jobs in min or low wage positions.

He wants to live and work in a city which means commuting initially for 3 hours a day until he can afford to live closer.
He thrives mentally in the energy of a city and gets depressed away from the excitement and stimulation.

But at the same time his attitude feels a bit defeatest and negative, or am I being unfair?

He says it all feels so pointless and his life is always going to be shite ie low income, rubbish job he hates, crappy HMOs or house shares etc

I do get that cost of living has risen and his chances of having his own flat or a decent quality shared accom is low on min. wage.

But he's always looking for ways to make "quick" money eg business ideas that fizzle out when he realises how much time and work are needed and then these ideas of "going viral" on sm when he doesn't even have any accounts or followers yet.

And to build up experience in one field or train in something requires a couple of years potentially staying in the box room in our house, which isn't a great option for any of us.
Our house is just too small and I can't see this working longer term but there doesn't seem any other options.

Does anyone have any advice or share your experience with similar?

He needs to suck it up. We are in London in a small house, and both my DC have had spells of living at home as rents are so high.But now they are making plans to live in crappy house shares because them's the breaks.

How come he’s ended up back with you? Sounds like he needs to be consistent and find work and a crappy house share then start from there?? Slow progress is better than nothing / going backwards.

Can you put a limit on how long you’re happy to have him so he’s got an external motivation to get sorted and get out??

@FusionChefGeoff it was a chain of events that led to being at ours, he left or quit his job at a parking garage to "start a business" and look for part time work, few weeks later split up with his girlfriend so came to stay for the weekend.

Because he didn't have a job he could stay longer, weekend turned into 10 days.
Went back to his flat share, decided he didn't want to live there anymore so came back to ours.

At first he was in the dining room/dh's desk space, but we said he couldn't stay there as we need that room.

I agree he needs to be consistent but there's a bit of a pattern where he ends up blowing everything up all at once.

Yes a time limit sounds like a good idea, will talk to DH to agree a reasonable goal, thank you!

I agree, that's life for so many people.

It doesn't help that his mates in the next town seem to be better off than him eg one stayed at home longer initially and saved for a deposit with his gf, one got a trade, one is still at home so has endless money apparently.

He makes me feel like it's somehow our fault because our previous house wasn't big either and his mates all had bigger houses/rooms in the first place so happily stayed at home.
He's forgetting that he wanted to move out for the excitement of the city, no one forced him.

I think unfortunately a lot of younger adults nowadays have a very all or nothing mentality, ie if I’m not bill gates by now then it means I’m a failure. Older generations grew up without social media (or less social media, in my case) so there was less exposure and the less glam stages of life were normal. My own DD22 seemed to think she was entitled to travel forever while I hold down the fort and a place for her.

His issue is that if it doesn’t go the way he wants straight away, he quits. At his age you probably need to give him a timeline to move out otherwise you’re gonna have in there forever with his million business ideas that may or may not take off.

@Myplantsmyrules it is interesting that you say

“But he's always looking for ways to make "quick" money eg business ideas that fizzle out when he realises how much time and work are needed and then these ideas of "going viral" on sm when he doesn't even have any accounts or followers yet.”

With this attitude he won’t get anywhere. To succeed both structure and commitment are basic concepts.

Even applying for a full time job, getting the job, turning up on time, doing what is required of you and having the right attitude to work takes both structure and commitment.

He needs to overcome his defeatist mentality to get on in life. Why doe he feel that he so negative and that life is always going to be shite? Is he depressed?

Does he have any skills, qualifications, training? Is he personable?

He is 27, if he likes the energy of city life, what is so horrible about a house-share?

Despite him being 27, you may actually have to be pro active because he will just continue to wallow in your small house, become possibly isolated and you won’t be able to get him to move on.

First thing is to find a job, any job and stick to it. He can do his entrepreneurial dream work after work.

I’m sorry OP, he sounds a bit feckless tbh. Like a little boy still blaming his parents for not being rich at the grand age of 27. I can understand him feeling away from the fun, now single, unemployed and therefore a bit rubbish about himself. But he’s a grown man and should be treating you with kindness.

You are all right.
He doesn't seem to have resilience. My DH says he's fundamentally lazy.

Me and DH have been in self employment for the past 25 years which requires making our own decisions and being accountable for ourselves. Ds wants the perks of self employment but without the work or responsibility!

His attitude is so different to what we believe we've modelled and that of our dd. Currently DH is working 10 hour days in a busy period for his work.
DD is self motivated, starting out as as a freelancer in her field.

But ds seems to be in victim mode and a bit entitled.
@MNLurker1345 He is very personable and does very well in interviews.
I wouldn't say he's depressed as such but he does get periods of low mood which is when he seems to quit.

As for skills and abilities, he's actually very clever but dropped out of university.
He's worked in customer service, call centres, cleaning, hospitality.

He has a low tolerance for discomfort but when I've said that to him he doesn't see what's wrong with it!

Every single house share has started off great, perfect, brilliant, until slowly over time there's some drama or something wrong that apparently wasn't there in the beginning.

Definitely think we need a timeline as pp have said.

@Myplantsmyrules I am also self employed and to be so takes such discipline and commitment. Your DS knows this because this was your livelihood while he was growing up.

He clearly doesn’t operate at the work ethic level of you, your DH and your DD. Your DH says that he is fundamentally lazy. Well there you go.

I know a few young adults like this, struggle to hold down a job, aspire to be business leaders but just can’t focus their thoughts and decision making to see things through.

Also I see that there is often nothing that they can be told because they know best. It is very frustrating because you see that they have potential but just won’t or apply the basic concepts, which if they could they would see progress.

He is looking for work I guess. First thing, get the job and keep it.

The fact that your DS thinks life will always be shite is a difficult path to come back from, but he needs to understand that only he has control over that. It is not set in stone, it is the choices he makes. What is going on in his life?

If he says he’s getting depressed and losing hope, has he seen the GP yet? I think they should be his first call, especially if he’s been with you for a while and his mood and outlook aren’t improving.

Do you know if he’s signing on also? Has the Job Coach managed to motivate him to find a job. It may not be the job of his dreams but right now he just needs a job.

One thing that has stood out is that he does seem to have some of the traits of inattentive ADHD. We have a couple of people in the family diagnosed with this and a couple of older members of the family who although aren’t diagnosed often had get rich ideas that were probably good ideas but they never got organised and put the work in.

I would perhaps read up on Inattentive ADHD, encourage him to see the GP, to sign up for UC if he hasn’t already and take some exercise if it’s it’s just a daily walk.

And if all that fails you can always watch Only Fools and Horses with him.