Feelings of grief when adult child’s relationship ends

[jugof]

My dd is 23 and has been with her boyfriend almost 5 years.

He has practically lived with us half the week - I thought everything was great , he’s lovely , they’ve always had lovely relationship

dd has asked for a break , doesn’t know if she still feels the same. He is devastated , as am I , although won’t let on.

I KNOW it’s so normal, healthy and expected that such young relationships won’t last forever but I’m harbouring private thoughts worrying she’s making a mistake , won’t find one as lovely , he’s exact type you’d want your daughter to settle down with later - I’m also really feeling his pain and sad for him when my daughter should be my main focus. I feel almost maternal towards him.

I KNOW it very irrational so I don’t need telling that, what I’m interested to know is anyone else has felt like this - I think it’s triggering my own “stuff” and I need to work on that.

Remind me how normal and expected it is and doesn’t mean she won’t meet the right one when she’s older and it’s good for her to be free and single and experience more of the world!!

Presumably it wasn't lovely for your dd. I'd be more interested in her experience and if she's ok.

It's not irrational. I felt the same when my ds split from her bf. I thought the world of him. He was a lovely person, but not right for her at the time.

I had this. Its so hard.

Goes without saying that this is also very present and is my priority - I’ve affirmed to her she should do what makes her happy, she’s so young, should put herself first and isn’t responsible for his feelings.

I had an ex like this, and knowing my family would react in this way made me take even longer to get around to doing something I should have done much earlier. I also had to handle their reactions instead of my own.

Please just support your daughter, she’s only 23, why on earth would you worry about her making a mistake, she’s got years ahead of her to settle down.

Just had this myself. It’s awful. Felt like I was losing one of my children. Time makes it easier but by god it was difficult. Dealing her her pain, his pain, my other child’s pain, and quietly having to internalise my own pain.

Sorry, cross post - yes this is exactly what to say

Surely you wouldn't want her to settle down at 18 for life?

This is why i never allowed boyfriends to stay i did have exceptions but this .letting them live with you half the week was your mistake I think they were their boyfriends I was pleasant and liked them but I never got close, you can be sad your dd relationship didn't work out without being upset about "losing him"

We only have one DD, who has a lovely BF. He stays when he visits. They are both at uni.

I can see how a split would be sad for all, but also that relationships are a choice not an allocation

Yes, has this with ds too when he ended his relationship with a girl he'd been seeing throughout uni. She'd been welcomed into family, in family photos at weddings etc and they seemed so perfect together. Then he "suddenly" ended it.

It was a shame as he was really upset at hurting her, but he knew he didn't feel like he did before.

After a few weeks it became clear he had been hiding a lot of her absolutely batty unreasonable behaviour from us as he was so infatuated with her he put up with it, but as he matured he realised it wasn't healthy. He dodged a bullet really.