Did I do something so terrible to now be ignored?

[Yesiamstressedactually]

My adult DD (24) is annoyed at me because when I answered the phone I sounded stressed.

She only rings unscheduled when there's a problem. She's in a different country for 6 weeks doing a language course.

The first thing she said was "I have a problem and I don't know what to do"
Because if static i asked her to repeat it.

This is when she said I sounded so stressed and was being weird and how it wasn't nice for her, I was creating a bad atmosphere.

The problem is, I am stressed when she rings, because so many times she's rung unexpectedlly in actual danger or overwhelmed or ill in a foreign country.

I was also stressed that morning because my mother with stage 4 cancer was admitted to hospital in another country. I can't fly atm due to a neurological illness so the whole situation is terrible.

I had texted DD to let her know grandma was in hospital but didn't elaborate.

Dd asked me why I always answer the phone stressed and I said I was nervous until she tells me what the call is about. I didn't say I was stressed about grandma as I didn't want to scare her.
She then went on to berate me for two minutes about how unpleasant it was to ring me when I was being like that.

She then said she was going and didn't want to talk to me.

That was yesterday morning, she's not replied to my texts or answered when I ring, I have no idea what the problem was and have been left wondering and feeling punished and ignored.

DD gets anxiety which I help support her with on the phone if she's overwhelmed, even in the middle of the night.

I know she's safe as her bf would text me if something had happened but I don't know what to do next.

I feel hurt and sad, especially as I don't feel I've done anything wrong, or have I?

Don't allow anyone to berate you, you should have ended the call when she started.
Multiple texts and calls? Stop, enjoy the peace.

My adult son WhatsApp the good stuff. on the rare occasions he rings me ( out of the blue) I immediately panic it's always bad news

Yes that's true, i was so shocked at her reaction.

Thank you, yes I'm sure it's a perfectly normal reaction.

She sounds too immature to be in a foreign country by herself.
And yes, I did it age 19. I would not have behaved like her. But at the same time I would not have done it while both my mother and grandmother were very ill.

Next time say calmly, 'Sarah - not everything in life is about you. I am stressed because I am struggling with my own health and my mother has been admitted to hospital. Maybe try having a little empathy with other people? Other people have problems too'.

She is too old to be demanding you behave in a way she wants. She's not a child.

She needs to grow up - it sounds like she thinks the world should revolve around her. I wouldn’t give it another thought

If you always answer the phone to her in a state of anxiety, then I do see there being reasonable grounds for her to raise that as an issue with you.

Equally, if she always phones you with a worry/stress, that also is reasonable grounds for you to raise that as an issue with her.

There could be some learning that you could both do with understanding the value of keeping communication calm and happy, or at least calm and neutral as much as possible.

She's behaving like a complete dick. Her anxiety...hmmm... more like her bloody rudeness and thinking she can use you and fuck whatever you're feeling or going through. She needs to grow up and learn some respect and empathy. If she's that anxious, she wouldn't have got herself living overseas, so I'd stop worrying about that one.

I hope your mum is okay.

Well - she’s an egotistical little madam isn’t she?

My stock phrase when ds slips is “my world evolves with you - not around you.”

Stop texting her. Right now she’s loving the fact she gets to be rude to you, hang up on you and have you chasing her as if she’s some rare diamond.

Of she’s old enough to go abroad she’s old enough to manage (and yes I did go abroad at the same wage and I dealt with stuff of needed).

Her BF is staying with her he needs to provide the carer role if she needs it.

I hope you and your mum feel better soon.

Really rude! So you're supposed to be doing nothing but chilling so you can answer like a 50s housewife (no, I guess they weren't always calm either).
We tried to get family to text us first-partly so we were ready to take the call, and partly so there's time to sort out anything they need. Not all of them were ok with it, but generally younger people have no difficulties with it.
Too many kids seem to think their parents should drop everything the minute their kid wants something/that the world spins round them. But she's not a kid, and this isn't ok.

This is a good reply.

she needs a gentle push back about manners and how to treat people.

What a brat

She sounds very rude and selfish. Don't allow her to talk to you like that or make those judgements about you.
Has she always been like this?

Sorry about your Mum OP.

Sometimes I think our adult DC forget that we are people too. I think they just see us as unbreakable beings that are just always there and we are always okay. They don't seem to think that we have our own stresses and anxieties and crap that we are dealing with everyday.

I feel for you, its so hard and I feel that parenting adults, at times, is harder than parenting them when they were younger.

My guess is that your daughter wanted or needed you for something and was met with, what she feels, was a huff as it you were saying 'what do you want now'. She got the vibe from you that you were annoyed by her call somehow and it has upset her. Not that it was wrong of you, as you are human and dealing with your own shit and if you felt that way in that moment ,and it came across that way, its is fine.

But your daughter needs to realise we are not unbreakable beings or robots and sometimes support and love goes both ways.

I get times when I feel so overwhelmed by life and what is going on that I feel I can't take the mental load of someone else's too. However, if my kids want or need me (both adults) I still do. Maybe I shouldn't, and that is on me, but I still do.

I think she is being a little selfish and maybe she needs some home truths which will depend how close to her you are and how comfortable you feel saying them to her, whether in person or by message.

You haven't done anything wrong, other than be human and have a human reaction to something and if she can't understand that or cut you some slack for it then the issue is hers.

She needs to learn that the world doesn't revolve around her, but she obviously seems to think that yours should.

She's not a teenager. If, at 24, she doesn't realise that her mother is a human with emotions and feelings, then she's got a huge developmental problem.

She needs to be told firmly that you are a human being with your own stuff going on and not an alternative to the Samaritans.

This trend of young adult children feeling entitled to treat their mums as emotional dustbins at a moments notice or else it will harm their fragile psyches needs to die. These people need to grow up or get real psychological treatment.

Absolutely, they need to develop some self management and resilience.

My first child was a nightmare as a young adult . Constant problems , sometimes serious . 30 years on I still get palpitations when I hear a house phone ring . I got rid of mine because of this !

Don't let her phone you and berate you because you anticipate another problem from her .

One option is to not answer her call. Let it go to voicemail - have a listen if she explains the problem so you are prepared. Even if she doesn’t you can mentally calm yourself prior to calling her back say 10-30mins later (or whatever you deem appropriate- you can find an excuse why you couldn’t pick up). It might do her good to not have you at her beck and call at the end of a telephone too.

She sounds way to immature to be off traveling. I would of told her to ring you when she stops being a little madam and put the phone down. You need to have words when she's back home.

Stop chasing after her and being so available. Agree with telling her to think of others (you!) for a change.