Why does she choose just not to see!

[studentsehoesy]

Adult dd (25h) is temporarily at home for a short time before moving out.

What I really struggle with is her abrupt tone to me; her lack of empathy, love or care; her inability to see how I’m struggling; how ill I’ve been recently.

She presents as completely different to my female friends to whom she treats far more pleasantly and with respect.

I have welcomed her back home for the time she needs to stay before moving out. She treats me as taking me for granted. Her room is dirty and a mess. She never cleans the bathroom or toilet, despite using it. Three times now, I‘ve had to call her out at having not flushed properly. At 62, I’m done with clearing up after my children’s poo! It’s not like I hadn’t set these boundaries when she asked if she could stay but it appears they’ve been conveniently forgotten and she has reverted to being a recalcitrant teenager.

I was really ill two weeks ago (had to take a week off work which I never do). Not once did she ask how I was feeling or offered to make even a cup of tea. I charge her for food and a contribution to fuel, internet, etc (£45/wk out of the £250 she earns). She is working far fewer hours than I do at 4 days a week because she wanted ‘work-life balance’. I wish!

Are 25 year olds still so selfishishly egocentric? I’m drained, exhausted and don’t want to live with someone who takes me so much for granted.

Tell her she has to pull her socks up or move out! It does suck the energy out of you when you are constantly having to deal with it.

You need to tell her to buck up or get out op. It really is as simple as that. She’s old enough to put effort into keeping a home clean and if she’s unpleasant to you tell her to go rent a room in a shared house and be horrible to someone else instead!

It’s not uncommon for young adults to revert back to a childish dynamic like this when they spend time with my parents. It sounds annoying, but at least it’s time-limited.

How temporary? A few weeks or is this something measurable in years?

She‘S been here a few months. Goes in a month but will no doubt expect to return now and again and default to a 15 year old. I don’t think I can cope with it again. It’s happened every time she returns home and her lack of love and care just hurts me so much

So speak up! It's your home and you're no longer under any obligation to house her. It's time you pointed out her shitty attitude and that you've had enough of it.

Basically this. Either ask her to leave now, or if you can’t face that, at least don’t let her stay again. She’s rude, selfish and immature.

I agree with this. Its reversing back to the role that they have been use to.You need to set firm boundaries.If they don’t like it show them the door.

So once she’s gone, don’t let her stay again. She can either lodge with a friend, or find a premier inn and put her belongings in storage. There’s no law says you have to help your adult kids when those kids are rude and shitty.

When she's gone you breathe a huge sigh of relief and don't let her come back. If she asks, then you can say no, because of the last time - and don't let her tell you it will be different.

The problem is that you want her to behave as a guest but she is behaving like a child of the house. You want her to see you as a person, but she's still seeing you as 'All purpose Mum'.

If she's always taken you for granted, then nothing is going to make her stop, except, possibly, running her own household for a prolonged period of time.

I had to stay with my mum for a week when our kitchen ceiling fell down.

There's something almost hypnotic about being in the family home. Luckily I was in my 50s and so was an extremely respectful and helpful guest instead.

But it made me reflect on my much younger stays in the parental home.

Op it sounds like you’ve been through a really hard time, and I understand it’s hurtful that she isn’t giving the emotional and practical support you need.

however it’s completely normal for parents and children (of any age!) to revert back to their well established parent and children dynamic when back in the family home. It’s not just her, and it’s not just you.
I expect, rightly or wrongly, she’s probably also thinking ‘why is mum still talking to me like a child? She wouldn’t say half these things to her friends’

I think the best way forward would be to have a conversation (not a telling off!), where you aknowledge that you are both in a particular relationship dynamic, but suggest that now you’re both adults you could try to forge a new, adult to adult dynamic. Give the examples of you’ve been unwell, you’d like to feel her love and support through that, and let her give her examples too. Hopefully it could be the start of a new chapter in your story together where you move together into your next phase.

im 40 and honestly i often still catch myself snapping back at my mum when I think she’s being a bit too patronising/judgemental/parent like, and i am aware that her intentions are good, it’s just hard to change the dynamic of a lifetime!

Your 25 year-old is selfish and egocentric, not all are, and I’m afraid to say that is a failure of parenting. You have probably being very kind and generous but not expected enough of her. And now she’s taking the piss. Can you kick her out sooner?

Yes this.

You don't have to accommodate her.

Your relationship will probably be better if you don't.