I am in my mid 20’s, a mum to a 3 year old, with a home, a long term partner, and just on the verge of starting my career after graduating. Despite all this, my relationship with my dad feels more complicated than ever, to the point it’s making me unwell, and is causing issues for him too, and I really don’t know what to do.
I have never lived with my dad, but always had a decent relationship with him being involved, taking me away etc. I was never as close with him as I was with my mum, but never any issues. He was always very busy in life, with a hectic job, travelling a lot, spending time with friends, girlfriends etc. Over the past few years, and more so following COVID, this has all changed and he barely has anything else going on but working from home, and myself and my child. I completely understand that he is lonely, probably quite depressed and doesn’t have much else going on (I’m his only child too). But, over the past few months this has really caused strain on our relationship, mainly due to our disagreements on contact. He will call me several times a day, sometimes up to 8 times. When we do speak on the phone it is increasingly hard to get him off the phone (even if I say for example, I need to change my toddlers nappy), which has at times made it hard to even answer if I know I haven’t got an hour to spare. This has really caused distance, and has really added to mental health issues I have already had going on, as the pressure of phone calls / voicemails / texts just makes me feel so on edge when I do go to call back. Over the past few weeks, things have got worse as the calls will be followed by voicemails informing me that I am making him sick due to the lack of communication, and passive aggressive texts telling me he can’t do this anymore. On one occasion , I was out with friends on a Friday evening where he rung my phone three times at 9.30pm, and because I didn’t answer, decided to turn up to my door and let himself in the next day with no warning.
I completely recognise my responsibility in this, and know I could, and should be more proactive in reaching out and keeping our relationship healthy. However it just really doesn’t feel healthy, I feel as though it is obsessive and he just does not respect my boundaries. On Friday, I explained in depth how I have been feeling and my health issues (anxiety and depression, which in turn cause stress related migraines). I told him how the contact was affecting this, and asked for some space and I would get back to him. He agreed, and by Sunday it was back to square 1. My mum has now got involved and informed him of how this is affecting my chronic migraine, which has led him to text me telling me he will not be “harassing” me anymore, and he will send me information of money I owe him which I need to start paying back ASAP.
I feel ridden with guilt as I would never want anything to happen to him - I understand he is lonely, and myself and my daughter are all he really has family wise. He is also an ex addict, which worries me more so and again, fills me with guilt. I have tried explaining everything and just feel my boundaries are completely not being respected, and I am being made to look like the most awful person because of this. I do not want this to be the end of our relationship, and want him to have a relationship with my daughter, but I cannot continue like this as it is majorly affecting me, as well as my relationship with my daughter and partner. Apologies for the long winded rant, I just hope for any sort of advice / similar experiences as I really do not know where to turn next. Thanks in advance guys xxx