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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Modern day relationships - explain

18 replies

Snowcandle · 21/12/2019 22:57

Ok so I’m old but I don’t get how relationships work these days.
When I was young, you fancied someone and started going out together thus becoming boyfriend and girlfriend or whatever and things moved on from there. But now it’s all different.

From what I can gather if you are interested in someone you start “talking “ to them and get to know them before you decide whether you become a couple and start a relationship. So this talking to someone also means maybe having sex with them but not be a couple? Is this correct?

Just trying to get my head around things as dd has just started seeing someone and she thinks I am a total dinosaur coz I don’t get it.

OP posts:

BillHadersNewWife · 21/12/2019 23:10

No it's not correct. Some people might have sex before saying they're in a relationship but others will try to get to know one another first.

Is your DD just talking to the guy?

There's a lot of "Friends with benefits" crap about these days which as a fellow old person (47) I think is an absolute crock of poo.

It's just a way for men to have sex with no strings. Insecure girls and women go for it because they think they can make the man like them enough to commit.

Original poster

Snowcandle · 21/12/2019 23:16

Maybe it’s just round here then but I know of a few young people who have been having sex with their partners for a while before they become official. And the girls involved are no way insecure.
Maybe it is a friends with benefits thing until they decide to commit.

OP posts:

alwaysmovingforwards · 21/12/2019 23:59

Sorry @BillHadersNewWife but you're talking tripe.

Plenty of FWB scenarios that suit women just fine. It's often the very secure women who enjoy weekend friendship & sex but don't want the negatives of being in a relationship. They're doing just fine and thanks for asking.

It's 2019. Not all women are desperately searching for a relationship.

alwaysmovingforwards · 22/12/2019 00:02

It may also surprise you to learn that plenty of women want to find a way to have sex with no strings.

It's not the Victorian era / dark ages...

OhWellThatsJustGreat · 22/12/2019 00:08

I can't advise for your dd, I would assume sex is possibly happening, especially if they've been taking for a while, I'm late 20s so assuming considerably older than your dd.

Dh and I met 12 years ago in a night club. For 3 almost 4 months we were 'talking' or 'dating' we started having sex after about 4 dates, approx 2 weeks and then after 3/4 months I told him I wanted to be a couple, he said OK... Well clearly he's my dh now.

I don't know if my situation bares any similarities to your dd, but thought the outline might help?

Gwenhwyfar · 22/12/2019 00:13

"It's 2019. Not all women are desperately searching for a relationship."

Maybe not, but "Insecure girls and women go for it because they think they can make the man like them enough to commit." definitely does happen.

Gwenhwyfar · 22/12/2019 00:14

"For 3 almost 4 months we were 'talking' or 'dating' we started having sex after about 4 dates, approx 2 weeks and then after 3/4 months I told him I wanted to be a couple"

That's a long time sleeping together without being a couple. Does this mean you were both sleeping with other people and if so, how did you both feel about that?

Popadoodledoooo · 22/12/2019 00:17

I’d say it’s definitely common to be having sex regularly before being ‘official’.

Seems to be talking (at this stage they may well still be talking to others), ‘seeing each other’ with or without sex and then relationship.

OhWellThatsJustGreat · 22/12/2019 00:24

@gwenhwyfar it's really odd, no, neither of us were seeing other people. He went on a date but wasn't interested and was still in that pc gamer living at mum and dad's life.

I'd just come out of a relationship and wanted fun (I'd been with the same boyfriend from 14-17) so wanted to enjoy being single, all my friends were single and sleeping around, I thought I'd try it. First night out I met DH and didn't actually manage the whole sex and the city lifestyle I was hoping to enjoy. I think in reality we were a couple from the get go, I was just very vocal that I wanted to enjoy being single... But was monogamous anyway.
I've never thought too much about it. Actually it is really weird.

BillHadersNewWife · 22/12/2019 00:29

I agree there are definitely women who just enjoy some casual sex with a partner they get along with but there are also vulnerable women who are seeking a relationship and get sucked into "FWB" type things in the hope it will turn into more.

I see it on MN ALL the time. People posting "My FWB said this...does he like me more than he's letting on?" and similar.

I don't think giving these scenarios a 'catchy' name like FWB's is a good thing.

WhoEatsPopTarts · 22/12/2019 00:40

Dd was seeing someone for around 4/6 weeks when they told each other that they weren’t seeing anyone else, after about 2 months he asked her to be his girlfriend. I’m sure they were sleeping with each other before being bf/Gf. This is the norm. I quite like it tbh in my day you’d have an awkward conversation about not seeing other people so it’s not that different but all a bit clearer.

Original poster

Snowcandle · 22/12/2019 05:35

Thanks for the replies. I think dd is having sex with this man but it’s none of my business as she’s an adult. But I can say she is definitely in control of the situation and she is the one holding back from committing having had a previous long term relationship which broke up and she was heartbroken. We have sort of had a conversation (strong words let’s say) about it as I have concerns about him, but again it’s not my life or my decision.

I can’t say I’m thrillled about the things/him as it’s so different to my experiences and it’s not the way we did things so it’s taking a bit to get my head around.

I know far more about dd’s life than my mum ever knew about mine, in fact I told her nothing. I’m too involved and need to back off.

OP posts:

ProfYaffle · 22/12/2019 05:43

It's not new though. I'm 48 and yes, when I was in my 20s you'd be 'seeing' someone (ie dating and shagging) before deciding whether to formally be boyfriend/girlfriend (or not)

Eminado · 22/12/2019 06:02

I think it’s good you have realised that you need to back off. At least a little bit.

I am probably nearer your age than dd’s and even i find the way my parents did things unfathomable .

That said if you have genuine concerns about the guy you should still raise them i think.

Original poster

Snowcandle · 22/12/2019 18:51

Yes I need to keep out of it but it’s hard.
I’ve voiced all my concerns and dd has answers for everything.
I think she is more keen than she will admit, judging by the amount of time she is spending with him.

OP posts:

Tamarapudding · 22/12/2019 19:41

I really don’t understand it as well. Dd spends loads of time with new friend and stays over at his but insists they are not boyfriend and girlfriend. What are they then?
I’m too old to get my head around this.

Timeforachange68 · 29/12/2019 22:10

You’re not on your own @Snowcandle my ds 22 is “talking”to a girl at the moment which apparently involves her travelling to his uni city & him staying at her parents house? I don’t understand it either (or particularly like it!)

Cantdothis2020 · 01/01/2020 21:43

Totally baffled by it. Dd stopping over at potential boyfriends (ie having sex) for 4 nights in a row but they are not in a relationship? Wtf is all that about?
So totally different to when I was young. Are they just kidding themselves? I’ve no clue.

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