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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

20 year old son living in car and doing drugs - I am desperate

23 replies

Charliescar · 01/12/2019 16:50

My son has a girlfriend in Dorset . On 15th Nov he left the house - saying bye see on Sunday , he was going for the weekend. We have not seen him since . He is taking recreational drugs and has recently been diagnosed with depression. He is meant to be taking anti depressants.
We had a text message saying he has messed up and needs help . That was 2 weeks ago . His girlfriends mum says he is in bad way mentally and is now living in his car with the girlfriend .
He won’t communicate with us . I am so worried. What would you do?

OP posts:

MildDrPepperAddiction · 01/12/2019 16:52

Do you know where he is? Can any MH professionals help?
I'm sorry I've no real advice, but I really hope he's ok.

QueenOfOversharing · 01/12/2019 16:55

Can you drive down there & find him? That would be my instinct.

I know he's 20, but my DS is 21 & I'll be honest (couldn't give a fuck if I get flamed) I would move heaven & earth to know he was ok.

It must be horrific for you, I can only imagine.

Original poster

Charliescar · 01/12/2019 17:43

We have driven down to look for him - we could not find him . He shows active on messenger - so I guess he is still alive 😨 I have messaged the girlfriend and said you can’t live like this . He needs help . She won’t tell us where they are . The girlfriends Mum also said the girlfriend is struggling to cope with him. But she is desperate to be with him , so probably pleased to have him there .
He had a good job , but kept calling in sick on Mondays ( I now know why ) and they had the final straw with him this time .
The girlfriends mum said that he said he might be coming back on Friday night , he didn’t show up .
I know they are still doing drugs - . I am at such a loss , he is screwing his life up . He was a really bright boy , but a combination of this girlfriend and drugs has bought him down . We have only recently discovered the drug problem since he disappeared.
He obviously intended to come back

OP posts:

QueenOfOversharing · 01/12/2019 17:59

I'm so sorry to read all this. I honestly don't know where I'd start.

I do want to let you know that addiction really can be overcome - it may seem hopeless right now, though.

For you & your family, I would urge you to contact any of the support services / fellowships for family of drug addicts - I am in Al-Anon myself & find it so helpful.

As he's an adult, are there any agencies which could help track him down? I'm assuming the police can't, but can he be reported as a missing person? I know their social media campaigns can very often help.

I know you will have thought of all of this, so I'm really sorry! I honestly wish I could think of more.

Original poster

Charliescar · 01/12/2019 20:46

Bump please help

OP posts:

AloneLonelyLoner · 01/12/2019 20:52

Oh OP, I wish I had wisdom but I wanted to post to say that I am in the same situation (almost identical) to you and I don't even know where my 20 year old is. He also uses drugs and my heart is breaking.

I'm sending empathy and love and a bump.

Original poster

Charliescar · 01/12/2019 21:12

Oh gosh alone , I am so sorry . Did you son say he was leaving ? It’s truly heartbreaking. We don’t know what we have done and he isn’t well

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 01/12/2019 21:16

I think he's got to want help before you can give it. When he comes back to you and asks, that's when you might be able to usefully do something.

AmbitiouslyFit · 01/12/2019 21:16

:( this sounds heartbreaking. I truly hope he is ok and will come back soon. Maybe he is ashamed of himself and doesn’t know how to explain his absence and so is making it even longer and stuck in a cycle.

Is there a way you can assure him that things won’t blow out of proportion and you will give him space to recover but just want him home or somewhere safe even if not home where you can check on him?

ScabbyBabby · 01/12/2019 21:47

Just message him and tell
him you love him no matter what and that you believe in him and that he can turn this around. He has his whole life ahead of him.

Sending you strength x

Original poster

Charliescar · 01/12/2019 21:54

Thanks all .

We have sent loads of messages to him saying we can sort whatever problems he has out and we love him . No response .

I think his girlfriend is hindering the situation . She doesn’t want him to come back . She won’t respond to some of my messages . The ones where I smash where they are and that my son should not be sleeping in a car .

OP posts:

Neome · 01/12/2019 22:02

I found Alanon very helpful. My perspective changed and I iearned a lot from other people's experience.

TrickyFriendship · 01/12/2019 22:15

@Neome I've found it helpful & only just started going - my son has a different addiction (& I have several "qualifiers" in family & exes). Glad you find it helpful too.

Original poster

Charliescar · 01/12/2019 22:18

What is Alanon?

OP posts:

JasonPollack · 01/12/2019 22:27

Find him if you can, do her parents really have no idea where they are? They are your best allies here. Is the car in his name? Is he logged in on any computers at home, as you might be able to use a 'find my device' to find his phone. Have you spoken to police at all? Do not send him any money. He will not spend it on phone credit/fuel/food whatever lie he is telling you.

If you do find out where they are you can't be going in all guns blazing. You need a decent plan. I would imagine that he has progressed to hard drugs given the situation. So you need to look at treatment options there and in your local area. Does your GP offer a suboxone or methadone treatment? If you can offer him a well planned way out he might take it.
So sorry you are in this situation.

longleggedgal · 01/12/2019 22:29

There's an app on iPhone called find my friends, if he has an iPhone and has his location on it will show you where he is. So sorry to hear your going through this op.

newdeer · 01/12/2019 22:32

OP Alanon is a support organisation for people whose loved ones are addicted to alcohol or drugs. It recognises the toll it takes on the lives of the people aroudn them and helps you find ways to handle it.

So sorry you are going through this.

Neome · 01/12/2019 22:35

www.al-anonuk.org.uk

The website and literature mention alcohol but there is a lot of wisdom about drugs and other addictions. Good luck OP

MildDrPepperAddiction · 02/12/2019 10:09

How are you this morning OP?

HuggedTrees · 02/12/2019 10:12

An you pay for a private investigator to follow the girlfriend whilst you’re down there waiting to help him? But drastic hit bit strange that they are happy to know where he is and not tell you

GoldfishGirl · 02/12/2019 22:06

OP you NEED to report him as a missing person to the Police.They HAVE to act on miss per reports.

I did this for my DB when he went off on a drug binge.

You do not know where he is. They will find him and check he is alive, pass on your concerns, and try to agree how he will contact you.

I would also raise the concern that he may be being targeted because he is a vulnerable adult.

MrsMoastyToasty · 02/12/2019 22:11

Is he likely to surface when he runs out of money?
Have you considered asking the salvation army to look for him?

AloneLonelyLoner · 04/12/2019 09:45

How are things OP?

From my side, my son has been in touch with his grandparents (and apparently went to London), when they asked where he is living, he said he has no address. 😟

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