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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Living with 17 year old anxiery

18 replies

Blossom18 · 15/05/2018 11:29

Hi,
This is my first post and don't know where to start. My Ds is 17 and has some learning difficulties but most of his problems are caused by anxiety/depression! He has no friends and is finding life hard. He cannot do anything on his own due to the way he feels and has daily meltdowns, I have had to give up work so now am with him all day everyday. I'm starting to feel resentful as I don't get a min to myself as son only wants me and relies on me for everything. My dd is now starting to act up as she feels she gets no attention she is 12. Any words of wisdom, as feel so down and fed up of life.

OP posts:

pippistrelle · 15/05/2018 15:28

This sounds really hard on all of you.

Is your son receiving any professional help for his depression and anxiety? If not, then I think I'd be pushing hard for that in that hope that, ultimately, it might buy you some respite and time to spend with your daughter. Even if he is, then I think I'd put some more energy into pursuing more or different help because it's plainly not providing anything like the support you need.

I know it's all easier said than done though, and just struggling with that requires energy reserves that are constantly being depleted elsewhere.

Much sympathy.

Mamaryllis · 15/05/2018 15:35

It sounds as though he needs a medication review. At this point his body will be growing and changing and frequent reviews are often necessary to keep on top of symptoms (or at least work to alleviate them). Contact MIND and find out what supports they offer to teens in your area (often out of school groups, befriending services etc). When is the last time he had a psych review? Does he have a MH worker?
You can also see your own GP - often if you explain how hard you are finding a caring role, they have ideas or access to different supports.
The real aim here should be to get him back into education or some routine where he can ease back into real life, once his meds and counselling are sorted. He’s about to transition to adult services, so you need to ask his team how the transition will be managed.

Original poster

Blossom18 · 15/05/2018 16:15

Thank you for your suggestions. He has had CBT which wasn't any help! The lady he saw was rubbish. We are now stuck as child services say they can't help with his issues and adult services won't take him till he's 18! They have also said they don't know what they can do for him as there are lots of issues ocd, claustrophobia as well as anxiety and learning issues. He has currently just finished college course but lots of adjustments where made for him. (I literally had to sit in car park, so he knew I was there at end of each session) His anxiety meds have been reviewed and he's now on max dose. He refuses to take anti depressant as he is petrified they will make him sick or have diarrhoea which his is his worst fear. We are currently waiting autism testing as may explain some of the problem. I do try and spend time with daughter, but son always calls me away.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blossom18 · 15/05/2018 16:40

Thanks for your response. His meds are at max dose Following recent review. Dr wants to try anti depressent but son refusing to take as petrified he will be unwell. He has had CBT, but that was no help as lady was rubbish. We're now hitting a wall as know kids services say they can't help anymore and adult services won't take till he's 18! They have also said as various issues they're not sure they can offer what he needs - he also suffers from ocd, claustrophobia as well as anxiety and learning difficulties. We are now waiting autism testing but have been told 6-9 month wait. He has been attending college with me sat outside college so he knows I'm there at end of each session. This is now at end of course as they simplified it. Do try and spend time with daughter but so hard as son always calls🙄.

OP posts:

violets17 · 10/08/2018 22:13

Hello Blosson - I know this is a zombie thread but I just wanted to say I could have written your post. I am going through exactly the same thing.

My DS2 who is almost 19 has only left the house once this year to attend an ENT appointment. He is very ill with anxiety and depression and he has some learning difficulties. He was at a special school until he was 16 and then unfortunately there was no 6th form and he just could not make the transition to a different college. I would drive him there daily and I had to sit in the car park whilst he would attend for 32 minutes (don't ask - I have no idea why he insisted on this amount of time).

He was so so anxious and unhappy that he injured his arm quite badly and I agreed he could stop college. I have had to give up work to be with him all the time and, for a time, I couldn't even go to the shops unless I got my DS1 (aged 28) to come and watch him to prevent him hurting himself.

We tried 3 different medications - citalopram, sertraline then venlafaxine and the third one actually helped. He is slowly getting a little better, he is not crying randomly, is not suicidal and he stood with me in the garden (in the dark) last week. It sounds small, but it was a massive move forward.

I just wanted to say - HI!!!

Ohthatiswhy · 10/08/2018 22:32

Blossom and Violets I wanted to wave and tell you we are also in a similar situation.

I suspect there are many more of us out there.

Great news on stepping into the garden! Anything that is progress is to be cherished

violets17 · 11/08/2018 00:17

Ohthat - thanks for the wave. I'm sorry you're going through this too it's really sad. How long has your DC been suffering? I'm so happy about him standing in the garden

Ohthatiswhy · 11/08/2018 00:29

violets mine is younger and it’s been months as opposed to years but no end in sight. I can relate to the small things being a triumph! How long have you been going through this?

violets17 · 11/08/2018 00:41

Ohthat - it started off small when he was about 14 with gradually spending less time with friends. He still attended school everyday and even made gave a public speech on his last day of school at the end of year 11. Then it gradually got worse until he was too shy too participate in interactive online gaming. Now I hear him laughing and bossing around his online gaming friends. The big change came when he switched from an ssri to an snri

Ohthatiswhy · 11/08/2018 00:47

violets how wonderful it must be to hear him laugh again!

Keep going

We have also had tiny positives this week. Out of the blue I got told I am loved

violets17 · 11/08/2018 00:53

Ohthat - oh how wonderful, it proves your DC is still inside there somewhere.

I felt desperately worried and sad that he had even lost his thread to me as we have always been so close. I kept patting him or giving his shoulder a stroke even when he cringed as I really wanted to reinforce the lifeline to me.

We are not out of the woods but I can see a chink of light now.

Ohthatiswhy · 11/08/2018 10:22

violets Our children need so much love and patience at this time but they will improve.

Wouldn’t it be good to be sharing news of a trip to the shops/walk in garden/park in the future.

Keep going you are not alone

Original poster

Blossom18 · 12/08/2018 09:25

Hi violets and everyone else that's responded - thank you. I felt so alone for so long thinking I was the only one going through this! Violets - I'm so happy your son is making small progress. 🤗

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Ohthatiswhy · 12/08/2018 09:58

Hi Blossom how are you? Has anything progressed for you since you posted back in May?

Original poster

Blossom18 · 12/08/2018 10:18

Hi ohthatiswhy, unfortunately not! If anything, things are getting worse 😭 He is now getting very angry and having daily outbursts! Still no sign of any support, so taking each day as it comes. How are things with you?

OP posts:

Ohthatiswhy · 12/08/2018 10:29

Blossom accessing support can be so frustrating.

Things are kind of static for us, more of the same. I am able to get out alone for an hour occasionally which really helps. Can you get out of the house?

violets17 · 12/08/2018 11:11

Hi blossom and Ohthat.

We had a terrible day yesterday, I spoke too soon. He was sobbing saying how empty his life is. It's so sad for him.

He had a lovely counsellor with CAMHS but aged out of the service.

Ohthatiswhy · 12/08/2018 11:44

violets I keep a diary so that when we have many bad days in a row I can flick back and find the good ones. A bad day can quickly wipe out all the positives from the preceding week. But you have had tiny positives, hang on to them and know that there are more to come. Is there any way you could pay for counsellor? Maybe ask his old one if they do private work?

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