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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Torn by adult child and my partner

25 replies

Coops1972 · 26/04/2018 23:38

Hi new here so don't know all the codes. My 23yr old moved out at 20 to be a grown up. She has fallen on hard times recently after losing her job and needs a few months living with mum - no dad on scene since 1yr old-fashioned just to get back on her feet.

My problem is that shortly after she moved out I met the most wonderful man. We have a lovely life together and things were great....until now.

He doesn't want her with us. He has never had his own children or shared a house with anyone other than a partner. He is almost asking me to choose her or my life with him. He wants me to pay for her to go and rent elsewhere which I could but it would eat into my savings and says I'm selfish for bringing her to our house and causing him mega disruption. Life was great before all this and I don't have anyone to talk to.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 26/04/2018 23:41

He's not a wonderful man if he's putting you in this situation. It would be a shit thing to do to turn your DD away.

Happygolucky009 · 26/04/2018 23:43

Dump him! He sounds like a man child 😯

HollowTalk · 26/04/2018 23:44

Blimey. I'd ditch him. Love me, love my kids. Whose house is it?

Original poster
Coops1972 · 26/04/2018 23:46

It's rented. We have six months left. She shouldn't technically stay. It's expensive but he'd make me pay half if I left.

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 26/04/2018 23:46

My kids will always come before any man. He's not wonderful he's lacking any understanding. I hope you get your daughter back on her feet very soon.

FoundNeverland · 26/04/2018 23:46

If choose the man over your daughter you are a disgrace of a mother.

There will always be a place for my daughter in my home.

He sounds controlling and selfish.

pallisers · 26/04/2018 23:47

Any adult child is entitled to come to my home for a few months if needed. I wouldn't be impressed with him at all.

Whose house is it? Is it a house you are renting jointly or is it your house that he moved into. If it was the latter I would simply suggest to him that he move out for a couple of months.

If you both own/rent it, then I suppose you have to listen to him and try to come up with a compromise but honestly, it would change forever how I feel about him and seriously change my verdict on him being "wonderful".

pallisers · 26/04/2018 23:48

just saw you are renting. Sorry but I would be reconsidering my future with this man if couldn't put up my daughter for a month or so.

Original poster
Coops1972 · 26/04/2018 23:50

My feelings did change when he said this. My child always has come first. His reaction shocked me. I guess it's better to lose 5k in savings on the rental and leave. Although I begrudge losing all that money and a lovely place.

OP posts:
snop · 26/04/2018 23:51

He really does sound dreadful if he is putting you in this position, my daughters will always come before any man

Grasslands · 26/04/2018 23:52

complex because you and him are renting. being he knew you had an adult daughter and these types of situations do come up, he either needs to accept or move on.

AornisHades · 26/04/2018 23:55

Ask him to move out, cover the 5K for him and if dd gets on her feet you can recoup some of that 5K.

Copperbonnet · 26/04/2018 23:58

He’s not wonderful if he can’t put up with your DD for a few months.

StayingAtTamaras · 26/04/2018 23:58

He sounds like an arse! Agree with PP, get him to leave, cover the 5K ( if you can of course ) and once your daughter is sorted then she can pay you back

ShesAYamEater · 27/04/2018 00:00

choose her.

Original poster
Coops1972 · 27/04/2018 00:04

Thank you. Needed confirmation I wasn't going mad. He is being selfish. He isn't being wonderful. He won't leave. But I can. He is a spoilt child who won't share his toy.

OP posts:
StayingAtTamaras · 27/04/2018 00:10

Good on you! Thanks

Monty27 · 27/04/2018 00:34

You are not a toy OP. You are a mum and you sound like a lovely one at that. Whereas your DP sounds like a selfish git..
Best of luck to you and DD.

mumeeee · 28/04/2018 10:35

Your DP is being very selfish and sounds like a child himself. Your daughter needs you at the moment so she should come first.

Namechanger1404 · 02/05/2018 07:37

A crisis has revealed his true colours, this man is only ‘wonderful’ when it suits him, he sounds rather narcissistic.

I would definitely reconsider any future with him. Your daughter is only 23, there will most probably be many more situations where you will find yourself in the ‘middle’, think carefully..then dump!

InfiniteSheldon · 02/05/2018 07:43

How long has she been back living with you? Does she work or look for work! Is she polite clean tidy or rude and messy?. If she's a lovely girl who's in her own room, been back a week he's unreasonable. If she's a minging, dope smoking layout with a month like a Docker who's been on his sofa for six months doing sweet fa he may have a point.

Namethatchange · 02/05/2018 07:47

Move her in, finish the relationship with him and tell him if he doesn't like it he can leave. Why should you be 5k out of pocket because he is awful.

rocky13 · 06/05/2018 19:39

Hello I'm from Canada
My husband has a daughter who is now 18
I've know her since she was 11 years old she was sweet and kind then
After her mother left her at 14 she has been mean to me since
Now that she is 18 she calls me stupid dumb and a bitch the biggest one is a cunt
Today i had enough she called me it 3 times i got mad and grabbed her book to get her to listen and asked her what did you call me then she slapped me across the face and i don't know what happened next i lost it
I yelled at her and tried to smack her back then i had a chair in my face i pushed back now in self defence mode i broke the plastic chair and hit her with it and she hit me again i grabbed the back of her neck and hair and said grow up i think u should pack up and get out then she hit and pulled my hair i left and went in the house
My husband said i assuted her first
Is he right or wrong here?
Also she does not pay for anything expect her cellphone bill

FinallyHere · 06/05/2018 19:45

He is almost asking me to choose her or my life with him

Almost?

annandale · 06/05/2018 19:52

Rocky maybe you need your own thread. From your description I would say that you need to control your emotions and walk away rather than attack, whatever the provocation. If you are frightened in your own home, call the police.

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