So angry at DD’s partner

[pasta261]

I am very angry and upset with my DD’s partner but she is telling me to not judge him and keep out of it. They’ve been together for 4 years.
He went for an extended job interview/work project type thing which mean being away from their home (they live at his parents) but no more than an hour away for several weeks along with other people involved in this. After about a 6 weeks of no time off he told her that he didn’t think he could manage what he was doing and a relationship, naturally she was completely devastated but was hopeful that everything would be ok as he had said that he just needed to get through the current situation and then they would talk, he had also said that he had become close to someone there but she was like a younger sister and too young for him. (5/6 Years younger) my DD is 29 and he’s newly 26. So after another 3/4 weeks he and his friends were successful. He was due to return home but asked her to come and stay with me that night. He asked her round the next day and told her that he had had sex with the person he said he was getting close to but that he didn’t instigate it!!!! He said it was all a mistake and that he loved her and wanted to be with her and wants them to get there own place, he was crying, he didn’t want any awkwardness between them. They carried on seeing each other while he was at home again and we’re loving towards each other but she did not have sex with him, she told me that she wouldn’t do that till they were back together properly. My DD thought he had worked out how to be with her and manage the new job which involves late night and travel away, something they had had a lot of discussion about before he went god the interview thing and had not been a problem for either of them. Anyway he has to go away for work again and thing are not properly sorted, he then is seen constantly in th e company of the girl he had sex with, pictures on the internet even of him nude bed and her scantily clothed, not together but with her clothes in the background!! Anyway I’m absolutely fuming and upset and cannot believe that she is prepared to wait for him knowing all this, I cannot stop think about how abhorrently he has treated her and keep crying, she is not speaking to me and has said that if I contact him she will cut me off forever, she will not listen to me saying that she should cut him out of her life, I have questioned her self respect. I could go on more but any advise from anyone, AIBU? So upset

I think you have to leave it up to her. You can say what you think and advise her, but it is her decision. Your job is to make your daughter feel good about herself so she won’t allow herself to be treated like this

Thank you, I guess I know I do but I cannot believe that she would allow herself to be treated like this. I also found out from her that he has a history of giving his number to other girls, even meeting up with one of them in a club (they’re kind of in the same industry) when she told him she his she felt about this behaviour he told her that she had a problem - I’m worried that this has being a mentally abusive relationship because she’s still in love with him. She has a lot of confidence issues even though she’s us beautiful inside and out and very talented

Well i agree with you id be furious too but you need to avoid pushing them together by letting her hear you turn against him. Try and keep out of it but just offer her support and sympathy when she turns to you. When you criticise or express anger towards someone she feels she loves her response will be to think of a defence. This means she will constantly be justifying his behaviour to herself and you dont want that... so its best to stay as impartial as possible unless she expresses anger herself and then you could agree with her. She needs to develop an express her own anger with him and she wont be able to do that if she hears someone else be too angry with him as she will automatically jump to his defence and not be able to think clearly.

This is just a journey she needs to go on herself and come to her own conclusions about. I think despite the pain now she will eventually make the right decisions if she knows you are always there for her and she doesnt have to choose between you because you have taken against him.
Obviously if she asks you directly then tell her that you feel she deserves better but try and not react overly angry or emotional as it may swamp her own reactions,

Must be a very hard thing to watch go on because he does sound like an utter knob!!

Thank you. This has come as such a shock to all friends and family, they were the golden couple, the type of relationship that all their friends wanted for themselves. His dad, who lives abroad still continues to call her his daughter. They went to see him last year and were even working out how they could have their business in that country, I even talked about retiring there!! I agree he’s a complete knob (and worse). This came completely out of the blue from having lovey dovey phone call at 2.30 in the morning when he was first away, to at 8am the next day it was all over - this was before he had had sex with the other girl. She is really suffering, not eating, sleeping and has missed quite a lot of work because she just couldn’t face thing. She’s self employed so that caused a lot of money worries as well

Thank you. I really want to message him and completely call him out on everything it just makes me sooooo angry but as you say she needs to see it for herself. It’s so hard seeing her in so much pain, they had even talked about having children this year which I now she would love to do and would be a fantastic mum. I’m now worried that time is running out did her especially as she’s had some cervical cancer scars. Anyway thank you for your support it really helps

I would be f**ing furious in your position! I do get it. But ultimately I would hate my mum to get involved if it was me - and like the PP said - your daughter will realise quicker if you are supportive but don’t judge her.

Thank you, I hope you’re right.

Do not get involved and do not judge. She'll work it out eventually. Then DO NOT say that you told her so.

I might just do that as I keep going over in my head what I would say to him. Thanks. I’m also concerned that I might bump into him or family members as they only live round the corner. Another thing that is really upsetting me is that my daughter has taken the only other bed in the house and her older brother who has severe mental health problems used to come and stay 2/3 nights a week but can’t now so we’re both feeling guilty about that as well. God sounding like a Jeremy Kyle show now!!

So he’s at it again. He was back home for a bit and my DD was seeing him, messaging etc. She even drove him to the airport as he went to visit relatives for a bit. He’s been back a couple of weeks and now there’s more pictures on socials where he’s clearly with the other girl again in a hotel while my DD has been running around after his family and sorting out stuff for him. This situation has been going on for at least 4 months now and I’m just getting angrier and angrier, why doesnt she just tell him to f* o**. I hate seeing the way she is, she’s so aggressive and clearly in a lot of distress but seems to still be thinking that he’ll come back to her. It’s upsetting me so much