Are your values at odds with those of your community?

[alhambra]

How do you underline your values with your kids?
Would you say your kids know what your values are?
What do you do when your kids come into conflict with other people's values? What do you do when your value system seems to be at odds with the majority? Stories please for edification as am struggling with this one at the moment.

have you a situation i could gauge from as this seems like an extreemly interesting querstion.

at first glance i would say my values were passed on from my mother and i have added and lost a few on the way. its about telling kids they are allowed to think differently and do different things just becuase someone doesn't do what you do - eg go to church or have breakfast - or whatever then it just means they do things differently at their house it doesnt mean they are right or wrong.

with the exception of things like spitting, stealing, lying - i abhore lying, littering.

a value i picked up -stick up for yourself be physical if you have to.

i picked it up - becuase i was terrorised as a kid and my aspiting middle class mummy always said dont hit back tell the teacher. consequently i was terrorised from 5 - 16 and i didnt want it to happen to my kids

That's interesting custardo. I had a similar upbringing and am also teaching my kids to defend themselves. My thing is, I live in a very wealthy, aspirational, juniormagazine type place - and I'm not like that at all, being an angry, anticapitalist, eco-warrior-politico - although not looking any different - except less yummy - than the mummies around me. My kids are - oddly -noticing differences between us and the other families. I think it must be weird for them, that they have no other reference point.

I live in an area where it is considered normal to "lose" a 4 year old for an hour, and a 7 year old can be gone for the day.

I deal with it by keeping my mouth very tightly shut unless I think a child is in real danger.

I believe that you get nothing unless you work. A lot of people round here believe you get nothing unless you lie to the DSS. I want better than that for my son. I met a woman who has done nothing but take her whole life. She had a baby at 16, stayed on benefits until her child had a baby at 16, they both stayed on benefits to raise that child. In 32 years, nothing has been contributed to society by that family.

I'm sorry, but the "I can't find work" line does not wash with me once a child is at school. Neither does "Oh God, I couldn't do that job".

I work as a care assistant. It is low paid and stressful. I would love to be at home. My partner and I work opposite shifts (he's a chef) so we don't have to lay out for childcare, and we never see each other.

One of our neighbours, both of them are at home all day. He can't get a job because he has been sacked so many times he is unemployable. She has a job, but refuses to go back to work after maternity leave, so she has gone on long term sick. She's now moaning that her gp won't give her anymore sick notes!

I hate the "take take take" attitude of a lot of the people around me. It is automatically assumed that your house is paid for by housing benefits, and I have been called a fool to my face for working.

I am going to have problems later in life if we can't move away (why can't I go out and play, so-and-so does and he's the same age! Why can't I have my nose pierced? Why can't I have my head shaved? Why do I have to go to school? Why don't you ever take me to the pub?)

I really try not to be snobby. I try to say "There but for the grace of God go I". But the truth is, a lot of these people are no less fortunate than us. It's that "take take take" attitude, that gives them the idea that a baby is a meal ticket!

It's true, by the way, I know these people, I speak to some of them weekly. I bet the Boden Brigade don't believe me though

Good question by the way, not sure if I actually answered it, but i think there are some answers in amongst the Daily Mail-esque ranting!

hats off to you colditz, and that sounds much harder than my rather bodenesque moaning, and you don't sound like melanie phillips at all. Keep it up.......!!!

I moved alhambra

Hi, Alhambra I wonder if u live in a SW london postcode as surely it is spiritual home of the Boden Brigade!

What an interesting question alhambra and ha ha at your 'Bodenesque moaning'! What differences have your children noticed if you don't mind my asking?

I don't know what I am any more. I used to be liberal lefty pinko organic brown rice woman and I'm finding it harder and harder to stick to my principles. I typed 'the older I get' but it's not that, it's the more I'm forced to live by them. I know that sounds awful and I would have slagged myself off good and proper 2 years ago but, for example, we are considering paying for secondary education because the schools here are so dire and yet in theory I disapprove totally and ought to be marching, petitioning, putting my money where my mouth is etc etc.

I don't know where I fit really. Our (mine and dp's) voices, jobs (when I'm working, have been a sahm) some values (and I so stress the some) and education put us in reasonably well off areas filled with professionals with similar values. Not Boden but Guardian readers earning £100k iykwim. But because we moved when I was pregnant we now live in a very poor area filled with social workers and teachers who can't afford to live anywhere else.(sorry, they can't, I really don't think they live here because it's nice, because it aint!) and so ds has lots of friends with values like mine, lots of organic hand knitted brown rice people who wouldn't dream of buying Boden because it's too expensive. And yet the minute I have a job we're off because it isn't nice. And so I suspect I will be surrounded by Boden and in a similar dillemma to yours. Sorry, this has been a bit of a ramble and hasn't remotely answered your question but it is very interesting. I don't think the values thing has come up because I don't think my values differ from those of the people my son and we spend time with. If he was friends with other children from his school (and interestingly he has gravitated towards other middle class kids, oh no!) then we might notice a difference in values because a lot of the parents in the school he goes to have attitudes like Colditz describes.

I respect both authority (within reason) and others more than my neighbours
I am more overtly honest than my neighbours
I am as hardworking as some as my neighbours
I and my family valus our belongings more than our neighbours and we also value community property more than our neigbours
I believe less media information than my neighbours
I am able to research and form my own opinions more
I teach my DD about manners, right and wrong and we discuss moral issues - I'm not sure my moral attitude is right for everyone just right for me 7 DD

However they may feel that I am out of sync with them and that they are the norm

btw I'm sure this makes me sound like a moralising self rightous pratt

my garden is filled with bits of bikes that my sons are constantly fixing. i dont have a bin store so by the end of the week when whatever animal had been rooting there can be found bread wrappers at bottom of garen too. i cant be arsed mowing it - so only do it when even i am ashamed of it. there are inner tubes on top of the shed.

my neighbours think we are the scum of the earth. i heard her say to someone in her garden " yes we say hello to them but we definaltey don't socialise with them!"

so in answer to your question - i dont do the keeping up with the jones' at all and i think that is a part of the inkeeping with your community.

sorry forgot to add - dont do the kids equiv of keeping up with the Jones either. dont do burpday parties. or special occasions - with the exception of halloween - becuase i like it. and i think common values and expectations around children are integral to this question.