In the interest of fairness.............your children and money

[LoveMyGirls]

Do you......

A. Buy them whatever they need (eg say you spend £50 on dd1 for brownie uniform) but don't buy your other children anything until they need something.

B. Spend the same on all your children (eg so if dd1 has £50 on brownie uniform you also spend £50 on your other children regardless of if they need £50 spent on them in the interest of treating your children the same)

Please discuss.......how were you brought up etc..........

I have four DC and they all do different activities, have different interests and are growing at different rates and still manage to get what they need when they need it. If for example, I bought all the children something of the same value everytime I bought new necessary kit for DD1's dancing, we'd all starve. Or why should they all get new shoes when only one has had a foot growth spurt or worn out their shoes. Perhaps spending the money regardless of need is possible in families with fewer children, but not here.

A - it all evens out in the end and both DC get what they need in terms of time, money and attention.

I grew up in a family where my (older) brother was SN and although my parents feel they didn't give me everythig I needed, I certainly didn't feel that way ...

Definitely A. I don't see why we should buy for child B just because child A was given something. I think by doing that it actually encourages the competition between the children. In my childhood, things were never 'dead equal', one year my bro got a bike and I had cheaper presents, but another year, I had the expensive gift, and he had cheaper. It never bothered either of us because we always knew that it equalled out in the end. So I think that as long as you do try to be fair overall, then children accept that.

By doing that, I mean making sure everything is always completely equal.

A definately.

Who on earth has the money to spend £50 on a brownie uniform, and then a further £100 on shit for 2 other children that dont need brownie uniforms?!

I have an only so I can't say what I do but as far as growing up, I got gifts, my brother got money.
He wanted money and bought stuff, I always wanted presents.
Balancing it out, it would seem as I got more but I was spoiled with designer clothes and PGL holidays. He got help to buy his first home (at 20). Basically, he was sensible, I was not but we got equal treatment financially.
I've had more since we were (supposedly) financially independent but that's because I'm a single Mum on benefits, my brother is a high earner.
My Dad might slip me a tenner, or used to before a bit of an incident this summer but I know my brother borrowed £7000 from my parents years ago when he was first married and never paid it back.
I think we're equal, just very different!

It all comes right in the end, roughly.

And anyway, being fair isn't always the same as being equal.

that would be very odd

lovemygirls

spedning money randomly

And, every Christmas, I used to get £200 as my present from my Dad. My brother and now ex SIL got £100 each.
He said each family should get the same and DD and I were a family same as they were.
He can be weird, and quite horrid at times but financially he does treat us equally even though we are both adults and he certainly treats his GC equally.

tbh I think b would be outstandingly stupid

my children get things when they need them. And if I do take them all out for a treat they choose what they want ( within reason of course) but if one chooses something for £15 and the other chooses something that only costs £4.99 i am not going to buy the cheaper one additional items.

DS1 has been through the most staggering growth spurt in the last year and has needed everything replaced twice at least. I am not going re-kit the other two because he has fgrown when they haven't

That makes everything about money and not about the value to the child ( or indeed the need).

Being fair means meeting each childs needs and treatingthem with equal love and repect. It has sod all to do with how much you spend

I asked because today dd1 has complained twice about being treated unfairly and I was starting to wonder if I had been unfair.

First time we were in a gift shop - we being me and my 2 dd's my 2 mindee's my best friend, her little sister and bf's son and my mum and my neice (4 older children 3 younger children and 3 adults) bf's sister had been given £5 to buy something, so my dd1 wanted something, I didn't feel I could buy her something but not the others so i picked something for 50p and offered to buy the other 3 older girls one each but dd1 said she already had the thing i'd picked (though I've never seen it and I spent 6 hours cleaning her room out the other day) so I said ok go without, I'd already offered to get the 50p thing for the other 2 children so i started to queue, dd1 then picked a postcard but it was like she was only picking it so she didn't leave the shop without me having brought something for her then when we got out the shop she complained I hadn't treated her fairly.

The second time - I went to the garage to buy petrol when I was in the shop about to pay I noticed a chocolate bar that was only 20p and decided to get one each for me and dp as I'd had a hard day and dp likes this sort of choc bar, I did think about buying one each for dd's but they still have a bagful of choc from easter and it would then have cost me twice as much for a little treat. Dd1 complained again.

I explained that last weekend I had spent almost £100 on uniform and storage for her bedroom and the rest of us hadn't got anything and it wasn't fair of her to assume everytime I spend money I have to spend the same on her.

When I was growing up I was one of 3 children plus I had 2 step brothers (plus 2 more step brothers but didnt have much to do with them while I was growing up) anyway my mum would only buy us something if she could afford to buy all 5 of us something of equal value, 9 times out of 10 she couldn't afford to so we all did without (well my step brothers got stuff off their mum so they didnt really go without) we had basics of course but if I wanted something different like dance lessons or named trainers I had to find a way to pay for them myself because my mum couldnt afford to give them to me because of the extra money it would have cost for the others iyswim. I have never really thought this is a fair system tbh.

A)