Cut offs for paying for adult children!

[Sprinkleballs]

Backstory.

DSS (20) moved out, earning £2.2k a month pays £600 rent and bills inclusive

DS (18) first year uni student in halls maximum maintenance loan. Works during Xmas and summer break when home.

DD (17) full time apprentice earns £1k a month lives at home pays £150 a month rent and bills inclusive

DSD (16) full time A Levels

2 x younger children.

I am struggling financially. What’s everyone thoughts on when we stop paying for them to be part of things? For instance we are looking at booking a holiday next year as we haven’t been away for 3 years.

It’s causing friction!

All the children are still young and the only person who could be asked to contribute is the 20 year old really - and maybe the working 17 year old? But that could cause hurt and friction. I would save up until you can pay for everyone.

I say everyone under 18 as if they dont want to come/ cant afford it they can stay home. Adults budget and decide their priorities, teenagers should be looked after.

This is so hard!! How can anyone afford a holiday with five kids including so many big ones!
could you do something like pay for the air bnb but the kids book their own flights? Or book on an all inclusive and the kids on salaries need to book themselves on?
or could you do two cars and all drive to a French air bnb hotel or campsite? That might be affordable for you to pay for everyone?

I would also ask the ones earning money what they think about family hols would they like to join in and what budget would they be able to contribute to the costs if so

It depends really. If we go away with my children in their 20s, I will pay for the accommodation and travel, they pay for their holiday spending. It's nice if they shout a meal or coffee sometimes. One of them has said they'd like to have their own room on holiday, rather than share with a sibling. In that case, I might ask them to contribute towards the extra cost if it adds a lot, but otherwise, I'll cover it.

You could also go away for a few days without any of them and just pay the big ones to loom after rhe little ones for a few days!

Either you are struggling financially OR you can afford a holiday surely?
With six children it’s always going to be a struggle to afford extras tbh. The only one I’d say should pay is the 20 year old

You can't be struggling that badly if you're booking a holiday, surely?

I think if you are struggling financially then you can reasonably ask the 17/18/20 year old to pay at least part of the cost of going away if they want to come. Maybe ask more for over 18s than for the 17 year old. Sounds as if you can't really afford to go away at all if they don't contribute. And if they don't want to come then that's their choice. If you've not been away for 3 years then it's not like the 20 year old had holidays paid for them when they were 18 (or 17?). I think if you paid for the 20 year old when they were 17 then you can't ask the 17 year old now, but could make a rule that they pay from 18.

We still ask our early 20s to come away with us one year and pay for them, but we can afford to do that and earn much more than them. We don't ask them to join us on our most expensive holidays!

I think if you want them to join familiy holidays, you probably need to pay. They'll choose to spend their money on travel with their friends, but you're at liberty to go away without them, or to tell them you're going and if they'd like to come it's £x.

There's no obligation for you to pay for adult DC, but you can't expect them to always come if you don't.

That said, for the ages of your children, I'd book a holiday where I could afford to pay for everyone on not at all. Possibly with the exception of the oldest, but probably not.

Everyone saying you’re either struggling OR going on holiday sounds just like my DP 😂 we both work full time and work our socks off but have debt we are working to pay off too. I’m not getting my hair done or nails done or buying clothes. But I’m desperate to get away again before the big ones are all grown! I’d love to pay for them all if I could but I was just wondering who, if any, could or should contribute or pay for themselves.

None. The most I'd expect at that age is that they maybe buy a lunch or shout coffee while away. They're very much just getting started at those ages. I'd book a holiday I could afford because I'd just feel awful leaving the 20 year old out if that was the reason he didn't come.

I know it’s not what you want to hear but with debt and six kids to support, your DH is right.
It doesn’t matter how hard you work. We all do. If you don’t have the money, you can’t go!
While the 20 year old is an adult who could be asked to pay, singling them out may well cause a family rift. Which I would assume is the opposite of what you intend with a family holiday

If I had six kids and debt then I wouldn’t be going on holiday as boring as that is. Clear your debts and then save for a family holiday.

For what it’s worth, you’ve got plenty of opportunities later. I went on holiday with my lot this year (and paid for it) and my youngest is 30!

I think the 3 younger ones get paid for. The 18 year old technically is your dependent as not permanently moved out but you could ask the ones earning to contribute to spending money maybe?

Invite the adult child living independently but they will have to contribute.
Would it be a package hotel deal or a villa/apartment?

You’ve got six kids and struggling financially. You don’t go on holiday. My parents didn’t take me on holiday (visited grandparents yes, but I never stayed in a hotel until I started working and travelled in my corporate role). You and your DP might need a weekend away - as per PP get older dc to look after younger.

Unfortunately I wouldn’t be going on holiday if I was struggling financially and servicing debt.

Having six children is a real luxury in itself, so I would try to convince myself that they were better than any holiday!

depends what your holidays are like. doesn't need to be expensive / crazy. i'd do a scaled down holiday and ask my eldest to put something towards it, even if not all.

I have no view on whether you should go on holiday at all, that’s between you and your partner and what you can afford. I don’t believe having debt means you can’t have a holiday if you’re sensible and not adding more debt.

I think the only question mark is the eldest but that doesn’t seem fair really. 6 kids is a lot so I can see why it would be a challenge. I agree with others that you pay off your debt and then see what you can afford for all of them.

(my in-laws still pay for everything when they take us away and we are in our 40s! They have a lot more money than we do though and we just wouldn’t go to the things they want to do with our kids)

We have paid for all our children’s holidays until they started working full time.

this was the first year we all went away and both adult children paid half of their holiday and we paid the rest.

As they are of an age that they understand finances have a family meeting with the older 4, I am including the 16 year old because they need to understand how the world works.

Lay it out, monthly bills, especially the food shop, yearly stuff like car service, house insurance, tv license etc so they can see the full extent of the finances. Also the debt you are servicing. Your 18 year old is the only one who is buying their own food every week so knows the cost of the shop for 1 person. My uni child spends £40 a week on food but does eat well.

Then talk about financial contributions into the house and the cost of any holiday. Do they all want to come on the family holiday? Mine came last year aged 22 and 19. This year they couldn't be taken as Ds was doing a summer internship.

Ask them what they feel is the fair cost to the household and what they would be willing to pay toward the holiday. They cannot get a free ride on this one. Honestly, with 6 children would your holiday feel like a holiday or a business trip?