How to improve my patience/enjoy the moment

[dh8892]

I have 2 DS. One aged 5.5, the other 11 weeks.

I solo parent a lot (I basically am a solo parent). DH works shifts which differ each week and has a 4 hour return journey to work the days he works. Some days he goes to work & doesn’t get to come home as planned due to the nature of his job. He’s very rarely around. Our closest family member is around 2.5hrs away so I am very much on my own.

Between 9-3 each day life is smoother as DS1 is at school. I find I can breathe & really enjoy DS2. However I find pre & post school really challenging. I’m constantly nagging DS1 to hurry up, whether that’s getting dressed, to eat his tea, go upstairs, stop asking a million questions etc. I’m constantly thinking about what’s next and what needs doing. I can’t enjoy the moment. I’m strict with DS1 routine for bed so that doesn’t help my constant nagging & moving him along (he’s very well known to be a slow coach!).

DS2 is (touch wood) a very easy baby. He is a very wanted and very loved addition to our family. He’s brought a level of happiness I didn’t know was possible. However, I do find in the evenings when I’m putting him to bed if he fusses a bit I find myself saying “oh come on X, give it a rest” and then instantly feel guilt. It doesn’t help that if he fusses, it takes me away from DS1 bedtime and/or story which then causes him upset, making me feel upset & torn between them.

I don’t want to spend my time with them constantly nagging & moving them onto the next stage of the routine rather than getting to enjoy the little moments but because I’m on my own I feel like that is the only way to keep my head above water.

Is this normal when you jump from one child to 2 or even if you spend so much time solo parenting 2 children? I just don’t want my children to look back and see me as a parent who was regimented with little patience and couldn’t enjoy solo parenting them.

Ive always been well known to be unflappable but even close friends and family are beginning to say things such as “I’ve never seen you flustered before” or “ don’t worry you’ll eventually get the hang of it”

any advice greatly appreciated!!

Honestly I felt like this with just one. The entire day feels like it’s me just trying to get them dressed, get them out, get them fed 3 different meals and snacks, bathed, changed and to bed and the house clean. I feel like I’m just shuttling us around all these chores each day nagging everyone and not appreciating the moment. And when they take longer I am so frustrated because can’t they see we’re already late, already struggling, already short on positive time we can spend together why are they making it worse or harder, why does every thing have to be a battle, we all know you’re going to brush your teeth so let’s just crack on!!
I feel guilty about it all the time and I’m constantly trying to manage my feelings on it and make sure I’m living in the moment more. I try to have days where meals are easier, or I let the house get a bit more messy, and I try to be flexible in time where I can to enjoy some things with them even if they go to bed half an hour later. I also try to see some of the things as time we are spending together, even if it’s not my ideal way to spend time, rather than getting through things so we can spend time together. I also tried to reduce the urgency where I can, for example I used to want dd2 to go down for her nap so I could eat lunch when she was really little. I’d always be starving by the time she’d fall asleep and when she fussed and wouldn’t sleep or would wake up when I transferred her to her cot I was so fed up. But then I just started eating my lunch earlier. Which tbh wasn’t ideal because I was eating lunch at about 11am but it meant that I could take my time at nap time and I didn’t have that sense of urgency anymore. As she got older it became really lovely because she’s use that time to talk to me about lots of things, but if I was still rushing her and telling her to shush and go to sleep I’d have missed out on that on that time.
would ds2 sit happily whilst you read with ds1?
maybe that would make you feel less rushed about getting him down and ds1 doesn’t lose any time with you.

you’re also doing loads and only 11 weeks pp so don’t be too harsh on yourself. Another way I got better at managing this and appreciating more was outsourcing more. It’s much easier to appreciate doing the bedtime routine if you only do it half the week. I know youve said you can’t do that but then you maybe need to lower your expectations of yourself or the routine. And have dh do it when he is there. Or at least take one of them, so you can have 1-1 time and half as much to worry about

Yes, completely normal from everything I hear, and honestly it sounds like you are doing a huge amount on very little backup. I only have one, my three year old, and even then the late afternoon stretch is the hardest part of the day for us, so I can only imagine how much harder it is with a tiny baby in the mix too.

The thing that helped me most was dropping the idea that the afternoon had to be productive at all. We come home, snack straight away, shoes off, and I try not to start on the next thing for a bit. Sometimes we just go outside for a bit because it seems to reset my three year old and it resets me too. The house stuff can wait, and I try to remind myself that a calm half hour together counts more than getting everything done.

Also please be kind to yourself at 11 weeks. You are still recovering and running on broken sleep while basically solo parenting, so of course your patience is thinner than usual. That does not mean you are not enjoying them, it just means you are tired and stretched. If your husband has any regular days off, could you use one of those for a proper break, even just an hour out on your own? And is there anyone local, a neighbour or another school mum, who could do a quick playdate or school pickup now and then? It does not fix everything but having one less rush in the week can make a real difference.

You sound like a really thoughtful mum for even noticing this and wanting to change it. I hope the next few weeks feel a bit lighter.

It sounds like you need to rejig the routine for DC1. If you're constantly rushing him then there isn't enough time being allowed between each task.

This can be simple things like:

Having a set amount of time for breakfast and then offering a banana on the way to school if he didn't have time to finish.

Bringing his uniform downstairs so he can dressed straight after breakfast and not waste time going back upstairs. Have a toothbrush and toothpaste downstairs too.

Having some kind of motivator to bribe him with if you need him to hurry (the carrot is often better than the stick!).

Waking him up earlier.

Having any bags packed/other stuff sorted the night before.

Do dinner earlier (batch cook to save time after school).

Start the bedtime routine earlier and/or put him to bed later so that his bedtime routine doesn't fall when the baby is fussy.

Yes, completely normal, especially jumping from one to two while solo parenting and only 11 weeks postpartum — you're running on broken sleep with no backup, so of course the days feel like one long list of nagging and rushing. The thing that helped me most was lowering the bar and picking just one anchor moment a day to actually enjoy, like reading with DS1 for ten minutes while the baby naps, instead of trying to make the whole day lovely. Prepping the night before also takes a lot of the morning rush away: bags packed, uniform downstairs, breakfast stuff out, so you're not chasing DS1 around the house. And giving DS1 a small job, like being in charge of the baby's blanket or picking the story, can turn the nagging into him feeling involved. You're doing a huge amount on your own, so please be kind to yourself about the days that are just about getting through.

Give yourself a break. It’s incredibly hard. Whack the eldest in breakfast club a couple of days so you can have more breathing space

The juggle is hard! Prep as much as you can during 9-3, get the tea prepped, prep packed lunch if needed for the next day, uniform ready.

I used to get up early so I was dressed before the kids were up. When DS1 wakes get him to get dressed early in the morning routine to save a panic. Then DS2 just do a nappy change and get the dressed when you are home.

I think you’re expecting too much of yourself. What happens after school that’s not working?

That's a very tough job, I can't imagine doing it without DH around. Before adding more pressure on yourself, how about recognizing what a huge effort it is and how amazing you are doing?

The post school time is not particularly enjoyable tbh. My ds actually does clubs on four out of five days because it gives a bit of structure. It is busy though.