What would you do? Partner who doesn't share the load

[SlowLoris88]

We have a 1 year old daughter and my OH cannot and will not learn to cook for us as a family. I am having to cook and be responsible for every meal, planning, shopping, cooking it and serving it. He cannot seem able to organise himself enough to do a single meal. I've tried everything - I've delegated days of week he's responsible for, I've put up a meal planner, I've given him shared shopping lists, I've sent links to quick and easy recipes and cooks to follow. All of it just falls on deaf ears. Today is his turn to make dinner (once a week, that is all), and it's 2 hours before our family dinner time and he's announced he's going to Tesco to buy us all a ready meal because he hasn't given it any other thought. I'm at my wits end with it. He's always been like this with food. It was never such an issue before we had a child because we just ate separate things and it didn't matter, He's previously lived on a diet of pizza, cheese sandwiches, chips and sweets if left to his own devices, and I've always hated it and been clear about that but he's never been able to change, learn to cook or done anything about it. I do not particularly enjoy cooking and am not happy doing 100% of the work to feed our family as I do not feel this is fair, particularly given I do everything else (the money, the appointments, the clothes, the toys, education, etc). What would you do? I don't want to leave him because he can't and won't cook, but it's causing huge tension between us and resentment from myself because of the inequality of it all.

I cook because I'm better at it. My hubs takes out the bins, does the dishwasher, brings his own work wear down and puts it on a timer so he can put it in the dryer when he gets up at 5. He also hoovers without being asked so it's a win win with both of us.

Basically your dp needs to do a lot more . He can bathe the baby and do night time stuff while you cook for both of you. I bet he will soon want to cook instead !!

What's his job??

I think there are two separate issues

1. The lack of planning
2. Reverting to ready meals.

I'm from a family who don't have a lot of "food noise", we have never been a family of planning meals but we always cooked mostly from scratch.

I have been cooking family meals since I was 11 and honestly if I thought of dinner 2h before it was dinner time I'd be pretty chuffed with myself! It is usually my partner phoning to say he is heading home from work that makes me think about it probably being time to make dinner. BUT I am a pretty good cook with a whole range of go to dishes that can be cooked on 10-30 minutes depending on what time I/we have. My mum and younger sister are the same but they aren't as good cooks and their meals are generally something on toast.

My partners family are a revelation, they think of dinner at breakfast, if they don't have things on they prep the dinner at lunchtime or mid afternoon. My partner has a plan for what he is going to make the day before he's making dinner!

2h is more than enough time to sort out a dinner, I would be more annoyed that with 2h to go his instinct was reverted back to ready meals. I wonder if there is a lack of confidence or a panic going on. I wonder if you could start with doing a semi prepared dinner - chicken breast and pasta with a jar of sauce and some veg or similar?

That's grateful he works from home. According to the many mums on here who work from home me that means he can do the following: put the washing on, take it out, hang up to dry; wash up dishes; clean windows; hoover; tidy away kids stuff; iron; prep dinner ( not the same as cooking, but half the work). Scuse typos: munsnet app allows me to edit some words but not all.

This. I think it’s fine for one person to do all the cooking as long as the other person is picking up the slack elsewhere. Although if you really hate cooking I can see why you’d resent having to do it every night.

@SlowLoris88

Sorry OP, but I think this. This is what you did before you had your child, so continue as you were.

You can batch cook for you and your daughter a bit to take the pressure off yourself, and beans and cheese on toast can be a meal at times too, it doesn’t have to be fancy.

The word of caution that comes with this though is that it creates a them and us family divide, unless he makes the effort to have his ready at the same time as you. You are NOT to heat his ready meal.

Not everyone is a foodie, but to not even muster up the basics to support his family is a massive ick for me personally!

How is he otherwise?

Or, if he is a keeper in other respects, (do take a long, hard look here though, we can easily cut manchildren too much slack and burnout before we realise!), then maybe accept this is your role in the partnership, (is it a partnership? What does he do to counterbalance?), but do make sure you can give yourself a break at times somehow.

EDITED: Sorry, I made the novice error of posting before reading your updates.

@SlowLoris88

OK, now read all the updates.

Agree that he likely has ADHD, but that’s a reason, not an excuse. He needs to find, AND USE, coping techniques.

"Broken home" !!!! What an ignorant phrase. Did you drop in from 1970 OP?

I'm a single mum, ex bowed out 16 years ago. Just because some useless man couldn't bring himself to change a dirty nappy or cope with a toddler crying does not mean there is anything broken about our home thanks!

If there is such a thing as a broken home, it is one occupied by two parents who fight all the time.

You chose a man who couldn't cook. If you genuinely want to stay with him, teach him two or three child-friendly recipes.

Show him how to make a cheese & tomato omelette. Butter, eggs, drop in some grated cheese and halved cherry tomatoes. Stand and watch it solidify, then slide onto a plate. Add bread & butter.

Write the instructions on a pad by the cooker.

This is not true. While some people have a milder form of ADHD, more akin to a manageable condition responsive to coping strategies and a bit of extra effort, for others it is actually a disability and as such it will disable the sufferer. In that it won't respond in any significant way to coping strategies and extra effort. They will actually be unable to function at anywhere near the level of a non-disabled person no matter how hard they try. Ultimately, severe ADHD entails pervasive impairment regardless of effort. Medication is the only thing that will make any significant difference in many cases and if it doesn't work or they can't tolerate it then the person will require help from other people. Whether or not the OP wants to provide that help is their decision to make (if it is needed - definitely worth getting an assessment and possibly medication) but it isn't true to say that a severe neurochemical impairment can always be overcome with strategies and extra effort.

Indeed. That is fair and true.

Given it’ll likely take years for an assessment and medication, unless they can go private, coping techniques are still worth a try, and may be enough, at least for now, to make it more tolerable so that he doesn’t loose his family.

The sooner the ticking clock is started for assessment the better!

Yes, that's fair - it's worth trying various coping techniques if he hasn't tried and failed to find these in the past. Chances are he will have though. Agree that getting the ball rolling on the assessment process as soon as possible is a good idea although yes, it may well be that OP has to help with that if she wants it to actually happen.

Everyone’s ADHD is different. You can’t assume that what one person can or can’t do, that it the same
for everyone else with ADHD. I also have ADHD and could cook, work, bring up children etc. but I made myself ill with the stress of doing all that and am now too ill to work.

Thank you v much everyone for your replies. Much appreciated as I dont find it easy to think clearly in a sleep deprived overwhelmed state. I think I agree with posters that we need to explore adhd further. We actually discussed this a few weeks ago but naievly dismissed it as we didnt realise medication could help in such a significant way with things like organisation and multistep tasks like cooking. Unfortunately and not surprisingly I don't think the area we live has an adhd support pathway on the nhs so it may be private but we will explore all options as I want to try everything before accepting splitting for the sake of my daughter and all our happiness.

Do you both work full time?

What does he do? What else can he do? Fine, food is not his thing, give him a task he can do.

I wouldn't split in a hurry. Splitting won't suddenly make him the perfect co parent.

I would split up jobs that have to be done so that you get an even amount of leisure time.
If either of you choose to spend some of that leisure time doing jobs you just like to be done .Thats on you.

If I choose to give the kids beans on toast for dinner one evening I don't expect my husband to sigh because he thinks I should have made a 5 course cordon bleu feast.

I do 100% cooking in my house, the difference is I don’t mind it (I hate the planning of it though). However my dh does lots of other things around the house. When I was making brunch yesterday he’d already spent 2 hours in the garden clearing leaves and tidying up and I had to call him in.
you can’t make him cook. In your situation though I’d just stop doing cooking for him, and anything else that benefits him- laundry etc.