Hate being a parent/my child

[CouldhavebeenMichaela]

I hate, and I mean HATE parenting/ my child. They are 2 and a half, for reference. This is a long one, so thank you for reading, if you do.

I'll start with pregnancy as I think it might be relevant.
I felt a bit shit in pregnancy, not excited at all... disconnected..I didn't bond with the bump, I didn't 'love them already'. It was just a physical process that I went through. It was a normative pregnancy, 'easy', all things being relative. I waited to feel bonded, I thought there would be a penny drop moment, like ahhh there ir is, but there wasnt. It felt like I was incubating a science project.

I had been excited at the prospect before, it was always what I had wanted (so I thought), I have loved children forever, found them charming and interesting, really enjoyed their company, was always great with them. I am natutally a caregiver and nurturing (professionally and in personal life).
I thought I was made for motherhood, and it me. The hugest mistake and misguided assumption of my life.

My labour was relatively normal and not traumatising, but I felt nothing when they were born. No fabled rush of love, no pride etc Just neutral I guess. I felt like pregnancy and labour happened to me? Rather than something I was actively taking part in. Oh well I thought, it will come, the feeling.

Anyway, I met all their needs, they hit all their milestones. They were a content, fed, nurtured baby. Dad is devoted and adores them, my mum couldn't love them more (she lived with us for the first 6 months). They are surrounded by love and exceptionally well looked after.

My maternity leave was flat and a test of endurance. I was crippled by anxiety, every cry sent me into overdrive . I wanted to escape from baby. I found caring for a baby a constant, horrendous slog. Nothing nice, cute or rewarding. All my friemds spoke of the 'newborn bubble', and I felt like I'd been banished to hell.

I hated the demands of motherhood. I always thought that you loved them so much that meeting their needs wouldn't feel like work, and that you'd naturally want to do it all, and take it in your stride. Not me. I didn't want to. Everything I did for them I did begrudgingly and it felt like climbing a mountain. Another fucking nappy, another bath, more washing. Etc etc I also breastfed, as had been my plan and preference. It came easy in the sense that there were no struggles with latch, supply etc. But I didn't enjoy it. There was no oxytocin for me. It felt parasitic tbh, and sometimes I wanted to fling baby off, across the room. (Yikes, I know. Sadly it gets worse)

Everyone said 'I bet you can't imagine life without them.....I bet you can't remember life before them?' But I could well remember my lovely life before. I could well imagine life without them. I used to wish I'd wake up and they'd be somehow gone.

I didn't find them enjoyable at all. They were quite a blank baby too. As in rarely smiled. content, but not happy or bubbly, if that makes sense? It took a huge effort or tickling to make them laugh or smile. Rarely was it spontaneous. Also they wouldn't really respond to me with any sort of joy or pleased to see me, didn't really seek comfort in or from me. Anyway. It would be logical here to say that perhaps baby responding to my feelings (or lack thereof) but I near kill myself masking and playing a role of good mum.

I knew I didnt feel 'normal' but I thought I had the old baby blues, or that it would pass. It didn't. It hasn't.

I said to my mum at about 7 months post partum, that I wasn't coping. She said 'you're coping beautifully', which I know was intended to be supportive and not dismissive, but had the opposite effect. Also I took such a huge run up to that moment, that was me finally acknowledging it and sharing, that it threw me of and I never really meaningfully mentioned it again.

None of parenting feels joyful, or rewarding or even remarkable. Isn't it meant to? It feels like a job. A thankless one. When they hit milestones like walking, talking, and even now as their vocabulary and understanding grows, I just think yes that's what happens. That's what they all do, provided there are no barriers etc. I don't find it wonderful or impressive, I don't think 'my clever baby', or feel proud. How depressing is that?? My mum says she's floored by them, it bowls her over how clever, the progress, the imagination etc etc. I don't feel it. I find parenting, at best, mind numbing, and at worst, fucking maddening.

Anyway the pregnancy, post natal, and first year were shit. I gave myself time to fall in love. Here we are 2 years down the line and still I don't feel it. There have been small increments of improvement, like sometimes I enjoy them, versus never. But honestly its mostly no. I am back at work and I dread the reunion at the end of everyday. I don't miss them. I long to be free of them entirely.

I enjoy some family days out, and I definitely enjoy parenting more in company, if that makes sense. One on one, I hate it.

I have masked for such a long time, and the mask is now slipping, which is why I'm writing this really. I am becoming mean/abusive?

I'm losing the will to give a shit in moments of frustration. Some examples- Mocking mimicking them crying and whinging.
Saying things like 'shut the fuck up' under my breath.....or 'I don't care what you want', not under my breath, 'get off me' , pushing them off me in bed and moving away from them on the sofa. Pushing past them after saying excuse me ten times in our stifling small kitchen. I was drying their hair after bath the other day and thought about hurting them. I didn't, but I thought about it. Not in an intrusive thought way either, like wouldn't it be awful if....more in a 'it would be such a relief to'.

Right now they are snuggled in to me on the sofa and I want to rip my skin off. I can't bear them near me, to be pawed at and clawed and breathed on, and books shoved in my face.

I can feel myself getting more physical with my frustration and verbally nasty. I don't know or recognise myself, unless this is me and I never knew before. Each time almost lowers the threshold too. So now I'm thinking how might this escalate? With me on the news? I can't believe I'm even writing this.

Am I sick, broken? Is this depression or am I just a nasty c*? I feel like a bully. I'm not even really sorry. Like objectively I know this is entirely wrong an unacceptable, but I must be warped as I feel like I'm justified or something? I know I'm not, but in the moment I feel such rage and like control?? I'm just waffling on now and appreciate this isn't a therapy session.

I can feel love, I love my mum and Dad, my husband, my cat. I can find children sweet and cute and lovely- just not mine. I was so loved as a child, have a wonderful Mum, and Dad, so its not that. Have a lovely support network in my parents and partners parents.

I don't know what I want from this post, but I had to put it somewhere beyond my mind. I suppose, has anyone felt like this, can I recover, should I be handing my child over to someone stable, what do I do.

Thank you.

I am a retired social worker. I used to say to people in these extreme situations: "Tell me how much parenting you can cope with and then we will know what the slack is that needs picking up and what help you need yourself."

I used to express it fairly baldly. But hopefully it gave permission to be honest and look together for a way forward.

Social Services, if they become involved, would look at the fact that there is good family support to be called upon, and would also press the mental health services to prioritise your needs.

You do not have to feel guilty about this - it is what it is; you are who you are; your mental health problem is a hand you have been dealt and not chosen. What is important is that you take the right decisions going forward as I hear clearly your wish to do right by your child.

OP what you're describing is a situation where your child is not safe. However you're feeling, and I do sympathise as it must feel awful - your primary responsibility as a parent is for your child to be safe. They are not - the behaviour you describe towards them is abusive and damaging and if you were to give in to the impulse to hurt them, the consequences for you both could be lifelong and terrible.

You need to speak to your GP and be honest about how you are feeling. Do not conceal anything. If it does result in a referral to social services, it's very likely that because you have family support that your child would be safely placed with grandparents or allowed to stay with your husband while you temporarily stay elsewhere. Until you get treatment, you should not be left in sole charge of your child. That's the bottom line.

Please don’t minimise or dismiss the seriousness of what OP is going through.

This is not “Just a phase” and a vulnerable child needs protection which thankfully OP seems to recognise even if you can’t.

Jesus 🙄

Thank you. I'm really so grateful for your insight here.

Please don't keep this to yourself any longer. ❤️ The fact you've been honest about these feelings must have taken so much courage. You're not automatically a bad person for struggling to bond with your child, and you don't have to pretend motherhood is wonderful when it isn't your experience.
But I really think you deserve proper support, not judgement. Please speak honestly to your GP or health visitor about everything you've written here, including the rage and thoughts of hurting your child. Postnatal depression and other mental health difficulties can sometimes last much longer than people realise, and you deserve help just as much as anyone else.
In the meantime, please let your husband or parents know how serious things have become and ask them to take over when you feel overwhelmed. If you feel you might act on those thoughts, put some safe distance between you and your child and get another trusted adult to take over immediately.
You don't have to force yourself to feel a certain kind of love, and you don't have to solve everything today. Please don't give up on the possibility of things getting better. You both deserve support, understanding and safety. ❤️

Oh wow, OP. Really does sound like postnatal depression.

I have had this three times (out of the 5 children), but not as bad as you mention. I had numbness, sadness and pent-up rage at all the small things. When it was really really bad I felt so guilty and sad that I was imagining myself falling down the stairs (and feeling happy about it). That was my wake-up sign, and I took myself to the GP to get some antidepressants.

I am on another postnatal stretch myself again (2.5 year old) and trying to figure out what the hell is going on with my brain. It is a little more complicated now I have perimenopause / neurodivergence symptoms and depression. It is really hard to be a parent, but I am getting a lot of help.

You really need to help yourself and speak to someone. Speak to a doctor and get some counselling. Your child is relying on you.

They need to know how bad it is or you could be waiting months or years for real help. If you really can't share your OP then take out the parts about wanting to harm your child but leave all the rest. Being totally honest would be better but if it makes the difference between you asking for help or not, then do what you need to do.

Name changed for this.
So much of what you have posted feels very familiar to me and I could have said most of those things after my first child, down to the anger, the detachment, the thought, however fleeting, of hurting your child. I used to fantasise about having an accident in the car that would end both of us.
2 months in I tried to explain to the GP how I felt and she told me she could give me something if I stopped breastfeeding. Like you, i found it easy and it was the only 'right' thing that i was doing. So I refused, and to this day I think it is the most stupid thing I have ever done.
There followed at least 3 miserable years of little improvement. Through it all, I went to work in a very responsible job, got promoted and lived a life that on the outside appeared confident and competent. I was far, far from it.
Please show your husband your original post and see your doctor. Don't hold back because you need the best help there is. I so wish I had done that those many years ago.
I did eventually get better. It took a long time but with the right help I could have felt better and been a better mum much sooner.
I wish you all the luck in the world.

Can't thank you enough for this and for sharing, and I'm so sorry to read of your struggles. Also name changed for this post. Also doing well at work, with promotion starting in January. My whole life feels duplicitous. Thank you so so much and I'm glad you got there.

If my mum said my first five years of life was shit I’d genuinely question if she was a good mum or loved me at all especially back then

I also think see your GP as it could be depression.

I felt very similar in a number of ways when I had my eldest, I was diagnosed with PND when he was a couple of months old and things improved.

I relate to parts of your post as I had PND. I find the early years hard. I had thoughts of harming my baby but never did it as I knew I loved my children.

The parts about you mimicking and mocking your child and pushing them are distressing to read. They might be down to be PND, they might not. Unfortunately there are people out there who just don't love their kids and can be abusive towards them.

Whatever your health problems, your child needs to grow up in an environment whey they aren't mocked or pushed or degraded. First step is to see your GP and then yes that it might mean a referral to SS. But social services are about support and keeping families together. Where there is a loving dad and grandmother, i can't see why emergency fostering would be considered. But your child needs to be loved and safe and that needs to be a priority too.