Newborn custody

[Sunshinemae]

Has anyone here got experience of custody arrangements with a newborn baby? Sorry this is a long post…

For background, my baby is 8 weeks old. I had a very difficult pregnancy which completely destroyed my health both physically and mentally. Baby was born premature by urgent c section after I was in hospital for a while. They expect me to take at least 6 months to recover physically and I’ve been suffering with PND. I’m exhausted and not wanting to go out a lot, my partner finds it frustrating and said he wants to take the baby out without me if I’m not wanting to go out - for example to see friends, for the baby to meet friends and family and out for lunch etc. I don’t like being being away from my baby for more than an hour or so, and it’s caused a lot of tension. Recently I’ve felt I didn’t have a choice and let him go out multiple times a week without me for the whole afternoon / into the evening with the baby because he said the reason he hasn’t bonded with the baby is all my fault and he doesn’t like being a parent because of that. He‘s threatened to leave, partly because not wanting to let the baby go out without me means I’m controlling and he doesn’t want to be with someone controlling. Along with the fact I’m struggling to keep ontop of the house work and he said he’s sick of doing everything. I try but find it hard to get anything done with a newborn whilst also being unwell. It’s not helping how I’m feeling. I feel conflicted. I know I’m not easy to be around, but also I thought it was normal for mum to stay with baby and not be separated in the first few months.

I’m glad he wants to bond and be involved, but I feel like my feelings aren’t being considered. He’s said he wants to talk about separating and co-parenting because he feels I lied about who I was when we met and I’m not the same person now. That’s hard to hear considering I could have died having our baby, and it’s lucky both me and baby made it through. We were having twins and one of them didn’t survive past the first trimester, the rest of the pregnancy was high risk with some serious complications for me and baby. I know I’m not the same person, but I’m also struggling to recover from a huge experience whilst caring for a newborn. I feel defeated and almost feel I should just let him go because I don’t have capacity to reason with him when I’m so low / exhausted. We live in my house so me and baby have a stable place to call home no matter what.

However, he wants 50/50 custody. Long term, I wouldn’t stand in the way of that, but my baby being way from me half the time at 8 weeks plus is too much for me. If I don’t agree, he said he would take it to court. Financially, we are in a very different position because I’ve not worked properly for nearly a year because of my pregnancy related illness and I’ve lived mostly on my savings and redundancy money because I was made redundant during my pregnancy. I can’t afford to fight it and I’m really worried my little newborn will be away from me in their first year more than I’d like. Because of my complications I’m not breast feeding so it would be easy to argue that he doesn’t need to be with me.

Is it normal for courts to grant 50/50 custody in this situation with a baby so little? Is there any financial support for mums in this situation to get some legal representation or advice? I don’t know where to start.

Are you breast feeding? Honestly I doubt a court would give 50-50 for a tiny baby. They would highly unlikely do that

Do you think you might have post natal depression? Sounds like you’ve been through a lot. Have you any other support besides your partner.?

I think you guys will get through this. Let your partner take the baby out and don’t stand in his way too much. But honestly, see your gp and be kind to yourself and him x

Let him take the baby out. Pump some milk so that your partner can do a bottle feed. While hes out you have the chance to blitz the house, just do one room at a time then relax in peace for a while. Take advantage of the situation.

Baby so young needs its mum- of course you don’t want to be away from him for more than a couple hours , if that! Your partner is being really cruel. You’ve been through so much - he should be supporting you through this difficult post partum journey. Stand your ground- you are the mum and he needs to respect you and your wishes for the baby

No, 50/50 for a tiny baby isn’t normal at all. It can be the long term goal but not a concern at the moment.

Did yoir partner know he was having a baby? It seems to have taken him by surprise

The courts won't grant 50/50 custody for a tiny baby, its very unlikely they would grant any nights away from the mother at that age. Your baby needs their mum, you are all they know

Your baby is only 8 weeks, you've had a difficult pregnancy and have PND. Its completely normal to be struggling with housework and its completely normal to not want to be apart from your newborn for longer than an hour. Its absolutely not your fault your DP hasn't bonded with the baby, hes absolutely being a total arse and is using your baby as a stick to beat you with

Please speak to a health visitor. This is not helping you get well. After serious health issues and pregnancy complications, and only 8 weeks PP, it’s not reasonable to expect to be on top of housework etc.

Has he suffered financially from the pregnancy? Has he covered yours share as you were unable to earn as you were carrying his child? He should be sharing the strain financially and practically.

The alternative is for him to love & support you. And the baby. How dare he do this to you… So selfish. My DH made the newborn stage very hard for me, luckily I was mentally strong. I was also recovering from EMCS.

Are you for real?????? This is horrendously terrible advice for this post. This woman is struggling and your onky advice is for her to clean the house better!!! If you are not a mum and cannot relate, then it is probably better that you do not post idiotic advice.
OP, I am sorry that you are struggling so much and that your partner is being so very selfish and unsympathetic. Of course you are not the same person. No one is after childbirth. You are only 8 weeks post partum. At this stage, you should still be having lots of days in the house and taking things slowly. Even with a straightforward birth you should not be doing too much.

Have you got a mum you can speak to? And book an appointment with your GP to see what help is available. Your health visitor should be able to help too. They aren't just for babies. You have been through an awful lot and it is very early days.

OP. I am sorry

Ignore this terrible advice ….It’s not the 1950s you’ve just had baby Op your partner is behaving appallingly….

Do people not even bother to read the OP?

She clearly said she isn't breastfeeding and has PND.

Ridiculous comments!

OP, it isn't the norm for 50/50 for newborns.
Your partner sounds emotionally abusive.
However, I'd be very cautious. Given your mental and physical health issues I'd be worried about input from SS regarding your capability to to look after your baby full time alone especially given you don't want to leave your house.

Are you under the perinatal mental health team?

Goodness this made me sad.
like the others say have you someone else to support you.
do you have spare cash in your budget to get a cleaner for a couple of months ( not that it’s important) just to take that pressure off you.
im glad people think baby will not get 50/50 at the moment if this is so ask baby daddy to leave and give you a break .
Baby daddy must pay towards their upkeep . The baby daddy can visit on your terms.
then see where you are in a few months .
I’m so so sorry you are poorly and can’t enjoy this period and huge condolences for the loss of your baby twin .
look after yourself rest when baby rests try and eat well even if it’s salads and
fruit and healthy protein.
I’m sending you all the luck and love in the world.
do not be bossed around .

He's not your partner. Because a partner is someone who loves you, shares the load and carries your share when you're not able to. Instead this man is bullying you when you're newly delivered of a baby and nowhere near recovered physically or mentally.

Get him out of your house and let yourself recover in your own time and pace. And I would try and keep some sort of record of his behaviour towards you so you can evidence his cruel behaviour towards the new mother of his child.

We’re is he bogging off out to for full afternoons and evenings with the baby ?

isnt he working during the day ?

tbh I’m very cynical about that . Combined with the “I want to split up” carry on I’m wondering what he’s really up to .

can you stay with family for a while ?

A) you've just had a baby
B) that was by c section which is a serious operation and needs recovery time where you're meant to be resting and not doing anything strenuous
C)lied to him? What on earth is he going on about? Sounds like the whole experience of pregnancy and childbirth has been traumatic for you, so he needs to get over himself and support you

Sending love and care to you xxx

Childbirth is really life changing but you've definitely had it harder than most, you poor thing. I believe that 50/50 is pretty rare and only done if there are serious concerns about the mother, please don't worry about that. These threats are empty ones if he can't take care of the house while you take care of the baby then he's pretty useless. He is using the threat to control you from doing anything.

You need to trust your instincts a little, two things stand out here, one is that you feel like you need to be with your baby - trust that. Going out for lunch with friends is only something you do if YOU want to. It doesn't sound like you are up to it at all and need to spend as much time as you are able resting and recovering. The second thing that stands out is that you feel like you aren't being listened to and that's because you aren't. Your partner's job in these early days isn't to bond with baby, it's to enable in every possible way your rest, recovery and your bond with the baby. This means sucking up everything else, the cooking, cleaning, washing taking the baby when YOU want to shower or sleep. He needs to be on your side and you need to be a team.

Is he registered as Dad on the birth certificate? I take it you aren't married? Do you have anyone, family or otherwise who could help? Honestly, if it's your house, I would kick him to the kerb. You might find your mood and health improves immediately when you get to enjoy your baby and yes, the house might be a mess but you don't get those precious days back.

At 8 weeks after a c-section, you’re still recovering. If they were premature, you baby surely hasn’t been home long. You need time to recover.

He should be supporting you at this time, not moaning about housework and taking your baby away from you. He sounds absolutely awful and you’d probably be better off without him. However I can understand your worries about coparenting and being away from your baby for prolonged periods. Court does take time and I doubt they would rule for such a small baby to be away from its primary caregiver 50% of the time. It’s the child’s wellbeing that should be the first priority, not just what the father wants. However the risk with court is that you don’t know how it’s going to go - someone else is literally making the choices about how your family will live.

Im so sorry you’re going though this, it should be a special bonding time with your baby and it sounds like it is being ruined by a selfish, demanding partner who is only thinking of his own wants. Prick.

Tell him to take you to court if he wants to but don’t pay a lawyer and drain your savings especially if you are happy to agree to 50/50 once the baby is better. The courts stance is the best interest of the child not the parents and it’s understood through the courts that young babies need their mothers. He’d be lucky to be granted overnight at the age tbh. But honestly I feel like men like this are a lot of talk and not a lot of action. Propose an agreement you’d be happy with for example 2 or 3 afternoons a week between 12-5 and then start overnight from X time with the aim of being at 50/50 by X age (I should say I’m against 50/50 custody for children but you said you’d be comfortable with it so just basing it on that. And if he says that just tell him to please move out your house and take you to court. You’ve been through enough. My friend was in a similar situation although not as serious judging by your recovery time compared to hers and it took her 9 months to admit defeat and leave him. The baby is 2 now and has only started doing regular overnights every second weekend despite him threatening her every day he would get full custody 🙄

I can't help think that you'd be doing a lot better had you had a supportive partner that understands PND etc than one who is threatening all sorts and laying on the guilt with you. Sorry OP, he should be supportive not combative.

Please don’t worry about not being the same person. Pregnancy and motherhood does change you. Especially difficult pregnancy/birth. I’m not the same person I was when I met my husband. I didn’t even feel like myself until last baby was nearly 2, but even now I know I’ve changed… but that’s ok!

Your baby needs you and your partner is not being a partner in the true sense. You need to be supported - lean on family and friends if you can. You’re bonding with baby which is important, breast feeding isn’t the only think that counts!

Two short months after a c section you shouldn’t be doing all the housework, that’s bullshit. And why can’t he bond with the baby at home with you there? When mine were that age they weren’t away from me for more than an hour and that was for a hospital thing for me. He shouldn’t be taking the baby away from you for hours on end, what’s really going on?

Do you have anyone looking out for you?

You are recovering from a serious surgery while caring for a newborn baby instead of focusing solely on your own health. Your spouse should be doing all the housework and everything possible to make life easier for you. His sole job outside of work is to support you. Socializing is a luxury few parents of newborns have the physical or mental energy to explore, especially when a C-section and complications are involved. He has failed in his duties as a father.

You’ve just grown a baby, been through the birth and are at a really vulnerable stage. He should be supporting you to recover. The way we did it was that I kept the baby alive and happy and my DH kept me alive and happy! He was there with food when I hadn’t even thought about what or when to eat myself, he hugged me when I cried for no reason, he let me just sit cuddling and feeding the baby and took care of everything else. Your DH is threatening divorce because you won’t let him take your baby away from you..

Na you are on maternity leave so have all the time to be with your baby which is what the leave is for - how would he have 50% of the time free if he has a job (well assuming he does)

just tell him no you need to be with the baby and he can take you to court for custody if he wants ! Good luck to him! He won’t be awarded 50/50 for a new born baby