3 boys, one left out and sulky

[SallyRabbit]

Hi Mums, looking for some wisdom and experience.

i have 3 boys, two teens (15 and 13) and one 10 year old. The older two are really close, rarely argue and hang out all the time.

The youngest is miserable at being left out and really feels it. It makes his behaviour terrible, lots of sulking, whining and deliberately winding his brothers up to get their attention.

I don’t blame him for that, it’s clearly a response to feeling left out. But it makes them want to be around him even less.

Also, it makes me panic that this might be shaping his personality and he might become an unhappy adult - because he seems so unhappy at home now.

Has anyone navigated anything similar and have any tips or reassurance? I wish I had had another baby close to youngest, I feel like if they were in pairs it would be easier. But it’s too late for that now.

Thanks in advance,
SallyRabbit

I think I'd treat the 10 yr old as an only.
Parents spend lots of time and attention on him, organise lots of extra curricular activities and play dates to keep him busy and massively limit the time the 3 of them are together so that when they do spend time together, it's enjoyable for all of them

Well one is a 10 year old child and the others are teens going towards adulthood. It’s not surprising they might not have much in common. Are the older ones actually unkind? Is there any way you could try one to one activities to strengthen the relationship? 10 yr old and 13 yr old then 15 and 10 yr old?? Bowling, trampoline park, swimming etc

Not actively unkind but will tell him to ‘Get out!’ when he tries to bug them in their rooms. Sometimes they can be very patient but not all the time and I suppose then it is mean.

One problem is that 10 year old will then go on about the snapping or unkindness and forget any good times they had - I’m not blaming him for that, he is just communicating how it feels. But it is a worry that he is becoming really negative as a result.

Both suggestions are good, I should treat him more like an only child and I should find activities they can all do and enjoy. Or maybe divide older two more. It’s just hard when life with 3 is already so busy! I suppose I always felt like the youngest was ‘meant’ to be spoiled and babied but actually he often just feels in the way. It makes me sad.

Is there a pet that can be his sole responsibility?

Why should he be spoiled and babied?? That could be a part of your problem. Do you have different expectations for him than for the others? (Age appropriate of course) Do the others think of him as different to them because he’s ’the baby’ and gets away with things?
They are allowed to go not want him to be there all the time. And to not want him bugging them in their personal space. There is 5 years between him and the elder. It will be 10 years before the oldest sees him as his equal.
I would try and be very aware of how you treat them individually and that you’re not favouring one’s needs and wants over the others just because he’s the youngest and the one who whinges the loudest.

I wonder if your 10 year old would benefit from more playdates, extra curriculars or to go to holiday clubs? I have 3 with an a big age gap between DC2 and DC3 and I definitely have to put more effort into keeping the youngest occupied than I did when the other two were around his age.

No, he definitely isn’t spoiled and babied - he doesn’t get away with stuff his brothers wouldn’t. I suppose I just feel that I’m meant to be treasuring every single moment with my last baby but if fact all my time is spent breaking up fights and squabbles with his brothers - and feeling pretty exhausted by it too!

Yes I would say try to keep the younger one busy with lots of activities. Can you get him a dog? I have a much younger one and two older, this is what we did.
Could you go on a special trip just the two of you? It does sound a sad being left out all the time. (It will probably shift in a couple of years though, when the oldest starts going out more.) Also, if your youngest has a gang of friends, try to facilitate lots of play dates and sleepovers, and let him play out with his friends if that’s possible.

Me and my sister are 5 years apart, her being older. When we was younger and lived with eachother I was always trying to hang around her and her friends, be in her room and be involved in whatever she was doing and I’d get the same treatment told to go away and stop being annoying etc BUT now I look back on it, I get it! I would not want my younger sibling of 5 years following me around, there’s not much in common with the age gap, 15 and 13 are close and probably have a lot more to bond with. I think it’s just one of those things he has to deal with…

I would definitely try arranging some days out suitable for all ages but I wouldn’t force it too much. Siblings don’t have to be best friends all the time

I agree with getting him a dog