Narcissistic mother and financial struggles

[Percypotter]

My dear Dad died a couple of years ago and sadly I’ve been left with a narcissistic mother. I’m well aware it was Dad who held the family together as things are so different (and frankly awful) without him. Although he was the enabler for my mother, I felt nothing but love and compassion for him.

I’d love to never have to see or speak to mother again but unfortunately I have needed to rely on her at points to help with childcare. Not something I like to do but we have very few people we can ask and as we struggle financially, affording to pay for childcare is almost impossible for us. I have a wonderful family, a great partner and a beautiful son. Christmas will soon be here and mother has been here for the past two years. I really don’t think I can tolerate this again. I feel it’s my brothers turn. He is the golden child, and he and his children are the favourites yet I know he finds her miserable ways hard work.

any suggestions gratefully appreciated. My mother’s behaviours have really damaged my mental health over the years and if I knew my Dad was going to pass away, I would never have chosen to remain living in the same area as her. I even said a prayer to the universe today, please can we manifest more money so I don’t have to ask for anything from her ever again!

I hear you @Percypotter . Great answers will be along soon. Bumping for you.

Praying is always a great idea. But also this is a problem that can be approached in several ways because it’s multi-faceted. 1. You and your brother can at least share the Christmas holiday so neither of you has to have her the whole time, 2. Can you and your partner adjust your hours, club together with another family or find other ways to reduce your reliance on her, 3. Accept that it’s a temporary situation because your DC won’t need childcare forever.

I have no answers for you OP, but I hear ya! My mother has just got so bloody difficult recently. She just seems to bring a world of stress to our home when she visits. It’s always the boys who are the bloody golden balls.
how old is your son?

Honestly, I would get counselling support with someone who specialises in narcissistic mothers if you can. Not sure if Melanie Tonia Evans is still doing online work on this , but her info really helped me and her programme was fairly cheap.
Christmas can be particularly trying, I can relate to this. It would help you if your brother could step up. If not, could you say you are going to your partner's family and just stay home?

Just a different perspective... you'll be adding to her misery by needing her (for childcare) but not wanting her to be involved. She'll be aware of that.
She'll also know that you don't really want her there for Christmas and that will likely cause her to be miserable.

Not defending her or downplaying what you went through with her. But you might find it helps you to have more empathy and understanding.
Just some thoughts.

I have a raging narc mother. I understand. You will not like my answer, though. You must find another form of childcare. So long as you are dependent on her for something, you will never be in a position to say no to someone like this. I would work hard on finding a solution for this. Get creative. See if someone will offer to share childcare, cutting costs for you both. Find a new job with more flexibility. Believe me, I get it.

As for your father, he may have held the family together and been the nicer parent, but if he enabled your mother then he allowed her behavior to continue at your expense. Just saying...

As for your brother, I would appeal directly to him regarding Christmas, especially as you have dealt with her the past two years. If you can't get through to him or he won't step up, then a new excuse may be needed, even if it is a fake illness. But I know better than anyone how narc mother's handle disappointment, and that even this will likely not go over well and certainly without payback in the form of wrath, pouting, guilt trips, etc.

If it helps, my narc mother also held some financial strings...cutting them was a financial hardship at first, but worth it ten fold to get that misery out of my life.

I think you also need to really dig deep and ask yourself if you really want this woman watching your children. The older mine got, the more damage my narc mother did to her, and I regret ever having her provide childcare. She was a nicer grandmother than a mother, of course, but wow, she was still her and she did MAJOR damage that slowly started presenting itself.

You can't have your cake and eat it OP, if you want the childcare you may well have to suck up Christmas with her.

Tell brother it’s his turn and ask him to arrange with your mother. You’ll have to be blunt with him.

I agree with the other posters Op. Detach from being dependent for childcare or finances as soon as you are able.

Wonder how hard it is to do your childcare hmmmm not how I would speak of a mother who is good enough to do that for you!

Unfortunately you are paying for childcare because you have to put up with her. Could you find other childcare? I know it's expensive but this is doing a number on you.

Then with Christmas it's your DBs turn. If he won't do it then you don't.

I know this sounds simplistic and it isn't. I put up with a DM like yours for years until I lost my DF and I just couldn't anymore. My DM was never going to love me or my child.

You need to have a way for it to be completely impossible for her to come:

It's your brother's turn
It's your partner's parents turn to see him
It's your partner's parents turn and you are going to their house
You have all come down with flu and have to cancel

Thank you for all replies. I especially loved golden balls reference as that’s very relatable in our home!

I know my Dad wasn’t perfect as he defended and supported her - but he did love me. I am sure my mother is aware of how I feel but makes things more difficult for us rather than trying to resolve things.

I am grateful for the help she provides but for posters who say hmm well she does do it, this is on a very limited basis and I frequently hear that she feels unwell and really isn’t up to it. In the meantime, she is willingly helping “golden balls”.

so yes the answer is alternative childcare. I do have people I can ask, I guess I haven’t because of feeling like a burden for asking but I need to break that habit as one of the people especially absolutely adores my five year old son. I think I needed to post to ring this all to light. He’s already noticed the dysfunctional relationship and I’m not sure he’s that fussed on his Nan.

and Christmas yes I think we will go to my partners parents this year 😉