At a loss with my teen

[OneGreyBiscuit]

I'm currently wide awake at 2.20am stressing about my 19 year old ds. In the past couple of months I've been stressing more and more about him. He left a perfectly good job 10 mins walk away for another and then to be sacked from it within a month for lateness, got another job which didn't even last three weeks because it wasn't for him. Has deferred his driving test which will mean if he fails this one he's got to take his theory again. Has gum disease as he hasn't been brushing his teeth properly and takes no notice of my warnings and has cost me over £400 in private dental treatment. The reason I'm awake is because he's walked in pissed and been sick on my 18 month old carpet, so I'm now awake when I struggle to sleep properly as it is. I'm really struggling to deal with these things and don't know where it's coming from as he always seemed to have a good head on his shoulders until recently. I'm even considering telling him to go live with his dad and let him have some of this stress instead. Just don't know what to do anymore and feel like a piss poor parent.

I wouldn't send him to his dad. At that age, men tend to butt heads, and it'll make him feel unloved and unwanted which rarely helps.

I'd give him more to do. Make him clean up his own sick for a start. Chores to help you since you aren't getting enough sleep. Keep him busy. Talk to him. How does he have enough money to go out and get that drunk? If you give him an allowance, cut it to cover carpet cleaning or replacement.

Help him find another job. Encourage him with his driving. He's had a series of cock-ups in a row and is probably feeling pretty low. Remind him to clean his teeth, if he's unable to manage that himself.

He'll grow out of it, you need to grit your teeth & keep going.

Thank you for your reply. He has savings still but I shouted at him that he's wasting his money on drink. I'm sending him jobs but the other day he said he might not want to do the jobs I've sent. I'm constantly telling him to brush his teeth but he either gets defensive or sarcastic by saying "yes mummy". I really hope he sorts himself out as I can only help so much.

If he won't clean his teeth, I'd be making him pay for his dental care out of his savings. He's a grown adult. You can't keep funding him forever. Make him go to the job centre and sign on, and tell him that he finds a job, starts paying his way, and pulling his weight. You can't afford to be funding his drunken antics, his healthcare, and lack of responsibility, and nor should you. You don't need the worry either
Plus, you are NOT a poor parent
I hope things improve

Stop paying for his dental treatment if he cannot be bothered to look after himself!!!
and I agree he needs jobs to do. If he’s living with you, charge him some rent even if it’s just for the principle. If his dad was there in the same house what would he say / do? I’d be making sure his dad was also able to put some pressure on him to find a job. Could his dad assist him work wise? Job with a friend or help him with applications etc. I think this is the time his dad could be v useful actually. I don’t think him being babied at home whilst his dad gets on with his own life oblivious and you’re left to do the rest is a great backdrop for your son to get a reality check. Two parents putting pressure and helping him along is better than one imo.
Im not surprised you’re stressed. I’d make him rent a carpet cleaner today and clean the sick up. Or pay for a new carpet.

I would let him pay for his dental treatment but this has all occured since his been between jobs and id rather pay than him losing his teeth. His dad has only just found out about the job situation as he's been keeping it from him. I don't have any contact with his dad so don't know if he's helping or not. I'll ask ds today when he's sober. I agree that maybe I've babied him too much but he is still a teenager not 30 and I'm struggling to make the adjustment between him being a dependent and an adult. Just feel I have all the worry on my shoulders and I think his dad will rub his hands together with glee about it because I left him. I can't see him being much help as I can't see him paying for his DDs train fares for college that I need him to even though he pays no child maintenance for her either but that's another story. Feel like a bit of a doormat at the minute, a stressed one at that!

I bet you do feel like a doormat. How are things now? Has he got up yet?

He's got up, said he drank a new beer last night, didn't say how many though!

His dad sounds useless from your post op.
Does he have any other male role models?? If he has no one to learn from then I can see why he’s treating you like a doormat- either you need to be super strict to ‘defend’ yourself and not be taken advantage of, or he needs to see good examples of respectful relationships and then know that this is the norm and anything less is not acceptable. It doesn’t sound to me like he’s learnt this lesson really. Is he otherwise respectful in relationships towards other people? X

He has his friends, his girlfriends dad and brother, my friend so he does. I was with his dad until he was virtually 18. I hate to sound like one of those mums but he is a good kid with a good heart and I think he's just lost his way recently. But all of these things are solvable. I'd just like him to be a bit more respectful and appreciative of what I do in the house. He was saying sorry when he was half cut in the night and apologised again earlier and I told him I'm not putting up with it and if he can't handle his drink then don't do it.