Regretting telling son about his AUDHD diagnosis…

[RegrettiSpaghetti]

Posting in Parenting rather than SEN parenting due to traffic.

Our son is 10 years old and was diagnosed with AUDHD around 6 months ago. We sought this diagnosis after years of, admittedly quite mild, sensory issues and his very rigid way of thinking. We thought investigating these issues would help all of us navigate our lives a bit easier.

My husband and I were so unsure about how to approach the assessments and potential diagnoses with him, but did in the best terms we could (said something along the lines “we’re going to talk with a doctor who can try to help us all understand your feelings.”). Anyway, assessment was done and AUDHD was diagnosed.
We told him that he had been diagnosed with autism & adhd but that this didn’t change who he was, it wasn’t ALL that he is, it just means the way we would approach certain things might change a little bit.

Since then, I hate to say it, I feel he’s been ‘playing’ on it. He was never ever violent or aggressive, and I know hormones might have a part to play, but we think he’s made it his entire personality.
A small example, he’s started to scream and hit out at us in the car if his favourite radio station isn’t played, but has a smirk on his face in between screams until we change it.
The other day he spat in my husband’s face when he was reminded to brush his teeth and then laughed and said “Ha ha ha! That was my ADHD!”. My husband told him to apologise and he started screaming and told my husband never to look at him ever again, I took him out of the room and told him that even if it was an impulse, he still needs to apologise as his actions were very hurtful. He said “No I don’t need to say sorry, so-in-so in my class (also diagnosed with ADHD) never says sorry.”
He called me ugly this morning and then said “Oops, autism!”.

He has extremely limited screen time (half an hour each weekend morning) but I’m aware that a lot of the children in his peer group are also diagnosed with behavioural disorders/adhd/autism, and to be honest I just wish we’d never sought a diagnosis. I feel terrible for admitting that.
It’s been a godsend in some ways, we have a routine that works for us all, we understand how he’s ’wired up’. I know they don’t use these terms anymore but he is very high functioning, and I just worry that we’ve set him up to become a monster!
Obviously, we love him dearly, and 80% of the time he is an absolute diamond; so kind and funny, clever and caring. But when he misbehaves I just feel evil, because it’s just him being his AUDHDself!
Not really sure why I’m posting, just need to let off some steam!

Two things.

One, DD was very upset we knew her diagnosis and didn’t tell her for a couple of years. So, there’s no good timing.

Two, we use the phrase, “it’s a reason, not an excuse” a lot. And variations on that. “But X gets to do Y and her diagnosis is Z.” That’s her family’s choice but in this house we…

It is a relief to get a diagnosis and a certain amount of demasking is healthy. But boundaries are key. No spitting ever. Never ever. Serious consequences. Very immediate and pretty harsh.

He’s using it as an excuse to act up, not right at all! Well done in correcting him and carrying on

And no demanding apologies. People need to ‘make good’. I have no time for forced performative sorrys that are meaningless. We do more, what will make the hurt person feel better. Sometimes that’s an apology, sometimes a hug, sometimes fixing something. The onus is then on the child to problem solve. Rather than setting up a classic PDA forced sorry.

I think you have confused having a diagnosis with not being able to maintain behavioural boundaries. It doesn't make a difference what he's diagnosed with; he can't hit and spit at people. You need to find a lever to get him to stop those behaviours. With my dd (who was similar), it was a day of no computer per aggressive 'hit ', and that stopped it in its tracks once she lashed out ten times and then had ten days without a computer. Never hit anyone or anything since, that was aged about 7 or 8. Your son is looking to you to hold the boundaries firm and contain his own worries and anger at this situation.

That doesn't mean you can't be flexible in how you treat him or set up good routines, but you don't have to cease parenting now that you know this information. If he told me to change the radio station, I'd pull over and refuse to drive anywhere until he was calm and not lashing out. I can't drive with screaming or aggression; that's just a consequence. You could use having the radio station he likes as the reward for getting in the car and asking properly. If he's having a true and extended meltdown, you might have to pull over for safety reasons but it doesn't sound like that.

Can you get some support with parenting him, read The Explosive Child, get more specialist advice from those who specialise in parenting AuDHD children? It's important to get on top of this given he's very defiant and aggressive at 10, what do you think he will be like at 15? You need to work on emotional regulation, channelling energy in better directions (e.g. sport) and so on before he becomes worryingly out of control and manipulative.

Oh OP, I can imagine that's really difficult for all of you.

Anecdotally, it's really common for people to experience some similar changes post-diagnosis. From the outside it looks a lot like "playing it up" or becoming "more autistic/ADHD", but from the inside it's more like a multifaceted relief. It's like coming out of survival mode; once you know and understand how much effort you've been putting in to appear "normal" and "well-behaved", people often drop some of that effort. You finally have an understanding of why you are the way you are, and it's easy to become a bit obsessive about it. At the same time, that helpful diagnosis can in some situations serve as a "label" which lowers people's expectations of you, which is difficult to process. Of course, like all things with regards to neurodiversity and behaviour, that's an explanation and not an excuse.

That said, it also sounds like he's clearly pushing boundaries on purpose. Maybe he thinks your expectations of him might have changed, whether he perceives that to be a good thing or a bad thing, and he's testing what he can get away with. Good on you for holding the line, though, because firm boundaries are more important than ever during this phase where he's figuring himself out. I agree with pretty much everything MrsTerryPratchett and Fernsarethebestplants have said with regards to advice, actually.

I think this is a very natural phase to go through after diagnosis, especially for those who are very self-aware in that classic, "high-functioning" way. I know I went through similar myself, and I was in my late teens at the time, and it can't have been easy on my family. I essentially pulled myself and my cultivated personality apart before putting myself back together with greater understanding. I pushed boundaries, and I lashed out, and like your DS I'm sure I was smirking through some of it. I'm sure the diagnosis will be for the best in the long-run, but pushing through this part of the process isn't easy. Hold your boundaries wherever you can, allowing for flexibility where your DS needs it and not necessarily where he wants it.

And for what it's worth, you sound like you're doing a good job. Nobody really warns you about this stage of things, but from what you've said you're handling it as well as possible. You're not evil for telling him off and giving consequences when he misbehaves, that's what he needs right now. Keep at it 💜

As a mum with 3 kids with ASD in differing parts of th e spectrum, they all need parenting. hat have been the consequences for spitting? These k8ds need Boundaries like any other child in thier peer group.

It sounds like you’re trying to balance understanding his neurodivergence with still teaching accountability and respectful behaviour. A diagnosis can explain certain reactions or impulses, but it doesn’t remove the need for consistent boundaries, repair, and age-appropriate consequences.

Personally I’d ignore the screaming in the car. Ear plugs if necessary or he can wear ear defenders if a song comes on that he doesn’t like.
Hold your boundaries. Sometimes as boys become teens they really push boundaries again and often it’s the Dad that has to do the heavy lifting. It’s ok to have clear rules in the house and clear consequences. As unpleasant as it is think of what he values and how it can be removed if a clear boundary is broken. He can give you a warning if he need it, if he feels himself becoming close to losing it.
Exercise helps a lot with adhd.
And we all had friends who had different rules to us. So what, they are not the rules of the family he is in.
It’s ok to tell your child off and it’s ok not to be understanding all the time. You know what he is capable of and you want him to aim high.

I think maybe chat with him about what is and isn't within his control. With something that he knew he had to do anyway, there was no reason for him to "impulsively" spit at your husband because he knows it's something he has to do and is presumably easily able to do it. There is no reason for him to be shocked, upset or agitated at having to brush his teeth. Also tell him that if he keeps using it as an excuse, no-one will help him when he is struggling because they will all think he's having them on.

I understand you OP. Spitting at people and shouting in a moving car would be non negotiables for me, and there would be consequences ND or not. I'd check with school how he is in class, and what class dynamics are. I'm fully aware schools are not managing behavioural problems well as there's been such an increase, and he may as well be copying others rather than unmasking.

once he learns that behaving like a little shit has no negative consequences he will do it all the time. hes learning that now so he needs negative consequences for deliberate naughty actions.

i’d maybe be tempted to say your dad and i must also have the same thing as we created you and neither of us scream or spit so pack it in right now, it’s not an excuse for bad behaviour.

Thank you all so much for your responses, I really appreciate them. What a lovely bunch you are!

I didn’t mean to post and ditch the thread, I have been struck down with D&V and DH & DS have caught a retched heavy cold/flu/whatever-kind-of-virus that’s doing the rounds.

While we’ve been ill, DS has been very loving and caring; lots of cuddles, he offered to make me a cup of tea this morning (I declined, he makes a terrible tea; that’s something else I’m working to improve😉) , and keeps making sure DH is up-to-date with his Lemsip!
This is the thing, 70% of the time this is just what he’s like. Loving, caring, an absolute joy. It’s just when he misbehaves (which of course, kids do from time to time) that we regret the diagnosis!

And it’s frustrating, he KNOWS right from wrong. We had almost 10 years of pre-diagnosis DS.
Pre-diagnosis, he would NEVER spit, lash out, call people names etc. He would sometimes kick his legs if he was frustrated but never AT somebody, just into the air. He tells his cousin off for spitting on the floor when they’re playing football because it’s rude and disgusting! He is very active, which we will continue to support.

It’s not a case of us being passive his whole life, he’s always been appropriately disciplined. He’s always had consequences for misbehaving, he’s always shown that he’s sorry in actions and not just words (taught to him explain WHY he shouldn’t have done what he had done and how he can rectify the consequences etc). For example, yesterday he threw a snotty tissue at DH because he was asked to wash his hands before dinner. Before we could even get a word out he immediately apologised, put the tissue in the bin (and offered to put DH’s ‘snot rag’ in the bin too!), gave DH a hug, and washed his hands with no further resistance.

There are a couple of children in his class with ADHD/autism, who do act like that and I feel like he’s copying them and testing boundaries because he thinks ‘he can’. But he can’t. We will absolutely not sit back and accept that he gets to behave horribly because of his diagnosis, no matter how easy it would be to become passive and use it an excuse!

We worry that perhaps he’s lashing out because he’s confused/worried/scared(?) of his diagnosis, but we have and will continue to check in on him. He was asked if he wanted to talk to someone outside of the family (counselling) and he said yes, so we’re just waiting for that to start up in a few weeks time.

Parenting, eh! It’s a bloody minefield. We feel like horrible parents for resenting his diagnosis sometimes, but we know that he’s trying to test boundaries. We’ve always been so proud of him and our parenting, so it’s probably a bit of an ego/confidence knock for us!

We’ll continue the discipline he’s always had, and try not to beat ourselves up too much. Feeling a bit more positive after reading your responses and knowing that I’m not a horrible mother!

Thank you all again. Now, if any of you have any advice on how to shift the virus that’d be great, I’m sick of the sight of tissues and dressings gowns of doom (DH and DS!), and I can’t take another dose of Dioralyte!! 😅😂❤️

At the moment, when he does his “can’t help it I have autism/ADHD”, we do eventually manage to ‘correct’ him the way we usually would, it’s just that at first he just storms off and when he does calm down and we tell him that he cannot use his AUDHD as an excuse, he needs to apologise he shrugs, says a half-hearted “sorry” and goes to his room. It’s disheartening when he’s usually so aware of what not to say/do and how to fix things.

Not sure if this was the right thing to say, but after calling me ugly, DS said “well, I was just being honest.” DH told DS that even if sometimes he doesn’t believe that what he did was wrong; if he knows that someone is hurt/upset/offended by his actions, he should still always apologise and strive not to do it again because that’s what a decent human being should do. The next morning, DS came in to our room while I was doing my hair and said “You look nice mummy, you do look nice all the time. Chives (our cat) is kind of ugly though.” I think that’s progress… Poor Chives!

It’s a very trying time, but we’ll get through it ❤️

For anyone wondering, Chives is slightly cross eyed and has a bit of an underbite!

You've given him an excuse for playing up without consequences. And this is what you get. Tell him whatever diagnosis he has he still has to behave, it's not a license to do whatever he wants.

Thank you.
We’re certainly not intending to give him an excuse for his behaviour.
We have never once excused his ill-behaviour because of his diagnosis, and we never will. Yes, we know sometimes he will act in certain ways because he’s ‘revved up’ by his autism/ADHD, but he’s still relatively ‘high-functioning’. He knows right from wrong. Even if he’s angry or frustrated, we don’t give in just to keep the peace and make our lives easier. We don’t just laugh along with him and make it his entire personality. He is reminded that his diagnoses are NOT a pass to act however he likes. It’s just difficult when he isn’t as receptive as he used to be.

I really don’t like to say it, but knowing the parents of the children in his class who also have Autism/ADHD, I can see why some of the children act the way they do. DS spends 6 hours a day, 5 days a week with these children, does extra-curricular activities with them, goes to ‘play dates’ (they’re 10, so not so much playing, more larking around building dens!), and attends birthday parties with them, so I can absolutely see why he might think it’s acceptable to act this way because so-in-so’s mum lets so-in-so act like that.

We just feel disheartened that since his diagnosis, he seems to feel comfortable with attempting breaking boundaries that he previously wouldn’t have. I understand he’s getting older, hormones will be kicking in, it’s just interesting timing…
We already feel like pathetic parents for that reason. We already feel like we’ve done him a massive disservice. He doesn’t act out like this all the time; so when he does, it feels shocking and awful.

Trust me, we are absolutely not aiming to raise a little shit who turns into a big shit.
Sorry, I’m rambling again! I was posting to let off some steam and hopefully help us feel a bit less like monsters for not pandering to him 😂 Glad our feelings have been vindicated!