Do you attend play dates with just the dad?

[primaryschoolmum]

Just that really.
I don’t know the family well as my daughter has just moved to the school. Dad has asked me to join him and his daughter, with my daughter, to this event thing tmrrw. I’m assuming it will just be us four as he didn’t mention his wife coming.

I’ve personally only ever done play dates or met outside of school with the mums. Do others do this?

Please do. Perhaps his wife died, or is ill. It would be such a shame if his child (and your child) missed out because of your reticence.
Or perhaps Mum is around but works long hours. My husband often did school pickups and arranged play dates and we hated seeing our daughters miss out when mums were getting together but didn’t invite him. I felt terrible about this but work was demanding and I couldn’t always be there.

This isn’t really fair. I didn’t say I can’t possibly go. I was just wondering how common it is that’s all.

So are you going to go?

A playdate where the purpose is the childrens friendship... why not?

A meet up arranged as you ate friends with the mum, but the children arent patticular friends... bit odd

A meet up where the dad is your friend... again normal.

DH would regularly arrange to meet up with friends.
So would I.

We also did stuff just for the kids benefit.

That's because unrelated men are a sexual risk that some people consider too great. It's unfortunate for that it affected you that way, but it's a reasonable precaution.

I would feel uncomfortable meeting a man alone thanks to my personal history. I imagine other women might feel similarly, although it doesn’t seem that's why OP is asking.

Mumsnet rationale 'don't be daft, just go'
Mumsnet by experience 'dad organising does not compute, be wary'

I know everyone’s jumping on you op but I’d definitely be surprised. Dh and I both work compressed hours so dc aren’t in nursery 5 days. On his days dh does play dates with other dads. On my days I do play dates with other mums. When we go to classes and there are dads there I am friendly and talk to them but I don’t think unless we had something in common or our children really hit it off that I’d invite them for a play date. I think if I did I’d suggest the park or somewhere else equally public, it just feels polite really. Can see I’m in the minority though.

Of course.
My husband organises as many playdates for my kids as I do.
It's not just my job!

Total mix here - lots of dads involved and with most families they swap it round so you never know which parent will be there.

It’s probably fine but to be fair DD had a friend whose dad was the main carer and he did hit on me during a play date ( I’m not single) so I’m not sure if YABU or not really.

Defo not an issue, unless you have some other info that makes it an issue. Just go, and enjoy it for your collective children. Don't get fazed by some of the answers on here either, you asked a question about something you were not completely sure about, you got some good answers. x

If it's an event thing surely you won't be the only 4 people there.

Your daughter is new to the school, I'd assume he was trying to help her feel included. Shockingly men are parents too, what do you think those who have their children 50/50 do?

An old friend of mine did all the morning playgroups, and now all the school drop offs as he works nights and the mother of his child did pickups only. All weekend playdates or parties were on him too as she had older children that she had every weekend.

But it’s at an event they wouldn’t be alone?

Yes, I said in a previous comment that an event is different. But I was just offering an explanation as to why women might not want to have play dates with the dad, as the poster I was responding to seemed to be referencing play dates more generally.

I know I just find it a bit odd. I’ve got a 17 year old and a 14 year old and after many play dates it has never even crossed my mind that there would be any difference with it being a Mum or a Dad there.

I know this isn’t helpful at all but some posters have mentioned that it’s completely normal unless theres some other info which makes it weird. And there is. I’m not going to disclose what exactly was said here as I feel it’s too outing, but it made me feel uncomfortable. I do struggle with relationships in men in general due to some past trauma so I usually keep them at arms length (other than family.) I just prefer to hang out with women as that’s who I feel safer with. It’s hard to tell if my own past issues are clouding my judgment or not hence why I’ve been overthinking it. I don’t want my daughter to miss out tho because of me.

Yes lots

If the dad has done or said something weird/uncomfortable, then I'd follow my gut, and not foster a connection there. If your daughter has other friends, or if this girl's mum sometimes does play dates, then she won't miss out.

If he's made you feel a bit off but your kids are good friends I would suggest meeting at the park or soft play. Then you get the chance to see if that vibe is still the same in a very public place.

Generally, yes, I do go on play dates with some dad's. I find some are less keen but some are really friendly and it's not weird.

Going against the grain, but I’d also be wary of a play date just with the dad.

Its too common for men to be creepy/make advances in inappropriate ways, and it’s too easy for other people to get the wrong idea or gossip about the two of you hanging out.

If it’s an outdoor public event and I had no other red flags about him then I would go.

But at his house or just the two of us in a remote piece of countryside or something, I would only go if that was a man I already knew well.

And if he had already raised a red flag by saying something you found uncomfortable then i wouldn’t go with him even to a public event. In my experience men say slightly uncomfortable things as a way of “testing the water” - they push your boundaries a little bit and if you accept it or go along with it, they push a little bit more. Especially as you have past trauma I don’t think you want to put yourself in an uncomfortable position.

FWIW I agree men should be equal parents, and agree part of that is play dates. But bottom line is it’s not your job - or the job of any woman - to facilitate that at the expense of your own safety or stress levels.