Three-year-old well behaved at preschool but difficult with me at home

[amidoingitallwrong]

My daughter is three and has three days a week at preschool where she is quiet and gentle, cooperative, quietly plays with her toys, has a little group of friends she plays nicely with and is no trouble whatsoever.

With me she can be very different and while I don’t mind much when it’s just us as I understand the need to let off steam, tiredness etc sometimes she will be really rude to me in front of others, often just saying ‘no no no’ to everything on a loop, having tantrums, being very selfish around her sister and taking everything she has off her. This morning they both woke very early and I let them watch a film in my bed on my iPad but dd2 just kept shoving her head in front of it so her sister couldn’t see it; multiple warnings went ignored so I had to switch it off but then dd1 missed out as well.

I constantly feel i am not doing a very good job with her and it’s really hard managing some behaviour, like just being downright rude (I know she’s three and I obviously don’t expect perfect social niceties but things like snatching, shouting NO and so on.)

Why switch it off? Put her out of the room. Children behave the way they are allowed to behave. She isn’t allowed to behave that way at nursery, so she doesn’t.

Don't worry OP, this is really normal. They behave nicely at nursery and then act out at home. Nearly all kids do this!

She’s not being selfish, she’s just being three

Sounds like restraint collapse- children use a lot of emotional energy ‘behaving’ at nursery or school, then they get home to you which is their safe space and don’t have to mask anymore.

My daughter was the perfect rule follower at school. At home she stopped masking. She worked so hard to behave at school that her behavior at home was definitely worse in school days. We eventually learned ways to help her decompress after such a hard day.

This is so so normal don’t beat yourself up

Or they behave the way that expresses their needs and feelings

I think the best way to frame it is to see it as her being her authentic self with you, she can completely relax and let her feelings out because you are a constant. Children hold back more in situations and around people they aren’t 100% on. You are her mum, she knows that whatever she does or however she behaves she can count on you. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have firmer boundaries around behaving (with love) but it’s not unusual at all.

Does she get plenty of time outside, things to do at home? She might just need to be kept busy & nursery would be good for that. She might just not enjoy chilling with a film & was acting up because she was bored.

When I moaned about this exact same thing to my grandmother, who was a teacher, she said this was a good sign as DC’s that young play up to the person they are confident with the most, they know that that person loves them.

Her need to take everything from her sister and stop her sister enjoying things?

@Swizzbizz if you put her out of the room she just keeps coming back in. She doesn’t tend to do anything independently; even watching TV is only if you sit and watch it with her which is a pain. She’ll play with toys on her own but only if I’m there.

Two things jump out

1. if she’s badly behaved the punishment affects her sister. Sounds like the iPad in bed is to make your morning more pleasant (dont see anything wrong with that if it’s for a limited time) but when she misbehaved you didn’t suffer the consequence, her sister did. It should be you taking her out of the room and keeping her out so her sister could stay where she was and still enjoy the treat. It sounds like you let her wear you down but for your other child it isn’t fair.
2. She doesnt do things on her own. I would work on this. Start with a 5 minute timer, I’ll play with you when you’ve played on your own for 5 minutes, everytime she interrupts timer starts again. It’ll be hard work as she’s got to the age of 3 realising she can get her own way by wearing you down but it’ll be worth it

Good luck!

Of course she does. That’s the point of consequences for her behaviour, they need consistency. Why would her coming back out mean that’s the end of it? If she takes things from her sister there needs to be a consequence otherwise her sister is going to grow up miserable with the little Madame always getting her way and spoiling her enjoyment of things.

Why would you let a child watch an iPad in the first place? Put CBeebies on the TV and let them watch if they want to. If they’re not interested, they don’t have to watch.

Of course, at three, being possessive and jealous is completely normal. But it also seems like she’s behaving this way because she knows she can.

Multiple warnings don’t exist in my home. I tell them once, then once more in a firmer voice, and the third time I remove them from the activity. At this age, they’re constantly testing boundaries, which is completely normal.

Cut down the screen time, don't negotiate, and set clear boundaries. You might be surprised how much the tantrums improve.