Struggling with newborn stage - feel like I'm drowning

[Mio1994]

Hi,

Mother to 6 year old boy who is fantastic and 6 week old DD. I struggled with PND with my first and thought I was doing better with my 2nd but I dread the newborn stage. I'm wishing it away and just want some time for myself again. It seems so monotonous the same things all day every day. She's not a bad sleeper at night tbf, but its still 2-3 times waking up and shes noisy in her sleep, so sleep deprivation is still a thing. I feel like I've ruined my 6 year olds great life because I can't do all the fun things because I dont have the energy or I'm constantly having to hold or sort his sister. He loves her and has been an angel but the guilt is real.

My partner trys to be supportive but he works long unpredictable hours and doesn't seem to grasp how difficult I'm finding it. My parents are so supportive and I wish I could just move in with them to get over the newborn stage, but thats not practical.

She is currently fighting daytime naps and I've tried everything. This leads to inconsolable crying in the evenings that just makes me want to get in the car and leave.

I'm desperate to get back to normal life, where I can do some housework, enjoy my children, not wake up dreading the rest of the day, be able to give my dogs some actual attention, get an appetite back. Please tell me this gets better? I know it does because I went through it with my DS through COVID and from the age of 6 months and beyond he's the best thing ever, but I cant see a light at the end of the tunnel. I just need some encouragement. I feel like I'm drowning and wished I never had a second.

It’s so hard isn’t it? It’s such a sacrifice. You will be in a better routine soon. Leave the housework in a morning and just get out with the dogs for fresh air. I remember having two babies under 2 and a dog to walk. I used to cry in the park, nappies, picking up dog poo, nappies. Was very monotonous and exhausting but it was a short stage in my life. It will pass. Fresh air, fresh air, fresh air. Leave the housework. Congratulations by the way. You will get there.xx

The 6 week stage is horrible, isn’t it? You haven’t slept properly for weeks, the house is in chaos and nothing seems to be changing. I think it’s a question of hanging in there as, within just a couple
of weeks, she will be so much more responsive that your older child will really begin to understand the joy of having a sibling and that will really change the dynamics.
In the meantime, you say it’s not practical to move in with your parents. Why not? If it doesn’t work for your DH, does it work for you and the two DC to go for a couple of nights? Or could your parents come & stay with you? What about any other family members? What about your 6yo? Some of his friends mum’s are probably in that position of not knowing whether to offer to help or not whilst remembering how chaotic it is and being very happy to come over and help out.
Today, can you have a bit of a baby moon in bed or on the sofa doing lots of skin to skin & feeding on demand to keep the baby settled and watch some
movies with your oldest? Perhaps go for a walk to burn off some energy first and then go to a shop to buy some snacks? The loop from our house to the park, shop & back and then collapse was a regular activity when DC2 was a baby.

I remember the evening crying after a difficult day, especially with an older child is just so awful.

Could you speak to your GP?
Can you afford help? Professional or local teenager to help in evening?
Why not move in with your parents for a bit, are you sure it wouldn't work?
Can you be really frank with your partner, say I need more help.

You just need some support for this bit because it is really really hard.

Sending big hugs

Six weeks is the land of growth spurts and cluster feeding. It’s hard. You say she’s fighting daytime naps, can you put her in a soft carrier and wear her? Baby wearing is a life saver. In the evening just go with it, get comfy with both children, watch films together, read to your eldest, and just feed her, swapping sides regularly, and remind yourself that it’s all just a phase and things will get easier.

Thankyou, I just can't see the end in sight at the moment. And the constant crying is torture.

When does it get easier? 😣

After the colic stage. Let the housework go, or get a cleaner if you can afford it. This is the survival stage, everything else has to take a back seat 💐

I'm so sorry you're struggling, I'm due baby no.2 soon and have a 4 year old. I spent the newborn days snuggled up on the sofa just feeding and watching tv, don't feel you need to do anything more than that!

Can you arrange some support for the times that your 6 year old isn't at school? Husband arrange to finish work early or grandparents pop over after school and hold the baby so you can have some time with him? Go stay with your parents for the weekend? Literally anything to give you some support.

I personally think your husband should be aiming to be around more. I've already told mine which holidays I want him to book so he can support me over school holidays! I've also told him he's doing school runs for at least the first few weeks. I know they're expected to work but they can still make arrangements to give you better support in the early days!

I struggle with my mental health anyway and am not the sort of person that can do nothing. I had a c section and was walking the dogs over fields baby wearing at the end of week 2 post surgery. My partner doesn't cook, clean, walk the dogs, do night feeds, not done a nappy yet, he took 2 days off work 1 week after I'd had her so thank god for my mum. He doesn't even put his plates in the dishwasher, leaves them on top, moans hes tired all the time and ignores me when I'm having a breakdown. Hes not a bad person at all, he just doesn't think and as much as he riles me up being like this, I love him dearly and he'd do anything for his family. His dad's quite a chauvinist and I think DP has taken on a few of these traits without realising. I can't change him, knew what he was like as he was the same with DS however I didn't have 2 dogs and another child to contend with then, and he can't change his work - own company so I guess I'm just venting.

My period came back with a vengeance yesterday and all I've done is cry. So fed up of this, but have to keep saying uts such a small snippet out of life and it'll pass.

sorry to hear you are so down and in the trenches but from what you’ve written about DP doesn’t quite match up to ‘he’d do anything for his family’ - well why isn’t he? 🤷‍♀️

“My period came back with a vengeance yesterday and all I've done is cry. So fed up of this, but have to keep saying its such a small snippet out of life and it'll pass.”

Oh that’s harsh, no wonder you’re struggling mentally, your hormones are in overdrive and you have a cluster feeding baby.

Deep breath. It’ll be ok. Take it one day at a time.

He doesn't even put his plates in the dishwasher, leaves them on top, moans hes tired all the time and ignores me when I'm having a breakdown. Hes not a bad person at all, he just doesn't think and as much as he riles me up being like this, I love him dearly and he'd do anything for his family.

He doesn't sound like he would do anything for you all. He's not even doing the bare minimum to make things easier for you. I hope things improve for you.

Your DP is absolutely awful but you knew what he was like. You can't change him, you're trapped with him now, so lean into other forms of support that you DO have. Lean on your parents as much as possible. I don't say this to be negative, I say this to be realistic. We all need help. Lots of it.

The evening crying was over by 16 weeks for us (significantly died down by 12 weeks). It's awful, when mine was a newborn I used to have actual chest pains around 5pm as I was anticipating the horrible evening crying.

I understood why people shake babies. I didn't before but I do now. I would never do it, I have always been in enough control, but genuinely, I was close-ish. It drives you absolutely fucking crazy.

If I survived it, you will too. You will thrive even. Just muddle through another 2 months.

I really think you should speak to your GP it all sounds very difficult.

I read that he has his own business, but surely there's some flexibility in that? Can he be there for the evenings and catch up with paperwork later?

Can you spell it out for him .. "you need to be hands on at home from 5-8pm for the next 2 weeks/I'm going for a walk on my own with the dogs for an hour/with older child every day - you need to hold the baby/ you need to get up an hour earlier and walk the dogs before you go to work/whatever time you get home you need to tidy/clean kitchen/ prep a meal for next day however tired you are"
Sometimes useless blokes need very clear instructions, I know you shouldn't have to, but might be good to lay out expectations