Should I tell my husband what our son confided in me?

[TripleFlamingo]

A month ago my 19 year old son told me about something truly horrific that he went through between the ages of 13 and 16, following a pretty un-called for outburst. I already knew that was a bad time for him and had worried for a long time about his self esteem and anger, but he was always very resistant to talking about anything so it was a shock. We had occasionally got as far as him talking about lack of motivation and feeling low, so he had a few counselling sessions but I always felt there was something deeper he wasn’t dealing with. He’s now gone to university, living away from home and is doing OK.
His dad and sister were there at the time (he got furious at his dad) but he asked them to leave and just talk to me. He asked me not to tell them anything, which I didn’t, but obviously they know he told me something.
I am struggling a bit with carrying this - I feel I should maybe talk to a counsellor as I haven’t processed what he told me and am not sure how to. It does come to haunt me when I’m not busy or at night but my brain seems to shut down and push it away. Anyway, my question is whether and how much I should tell my husband. He’s not the best communicator but loves them all unconditionally and I feel guilty for keeping him at a distance. And I don’t think I could be sneaky enough to just disappear to counselling without telling him. There’s also a big part of me that wants to protect my husband as I know he’d be broken by what our son has been through.
I should say that there’s no possibility of this happening again or to anyone else, so safeguarding isn’t a consideration in this case. My son said he’s 80% over what happened but I’m going to try to persuade him towards counselling, possibly EMDR, but my post is really about the best way to make sure I’m dealing with it in the best way. Sorry for the long post, TIA x

I think you need to respect your son’s confidentiality. You agreed to it, so must keep it, don’t break his trust and put your husband above him

if your DS confided in you nd asked you not to tell his father then of course you mustn’t tell him. If you think it would be beneficial to your DS for his father to know then you could suggest to him that he tells him himself, but it’s not for you to decide. Could you have a session with a counsellor yourself to process the experience?

You need to hold onto this as your son has trusted you with this secret. I'd also leave counselling unless he asks for it. It's quite possible it can do more harm than good. If you must unload try Chat, but really it's up to your son who he confides in.

I'm so sorry you're carrying this alone, but the fact that your son chose to confide in you shows how strong your relationship is. I know exactly how you feel - both my adult children have confided in me recently about some quite difficult things - my daughter particularly sounds something like your son although she's a lot older and further on her recovery journey.

So if he asked you not to tell anyone, and you agreed, then you don't tell them, as simple as that. That doesn't mean you can't get help for yourself - I've used a couple of phone helplines - one DD recommended and one I found for myself about DS. They were brilliant, especially in the first few days of shock and tears. Could something like that be a possibility for you?

You are very privileged that your son has put his trust in you ,please dont break that trust as it really can be something that will never be repaired .

I’m not understanding what actually happened so it’s difficult to comment as it depends on the severity of what occurred as to whether you keep it secret from your husband. Yes, in principle you keep the secret but only if it is safe to do so and not keeping a bigger risk unchecked

Thank you everyone, yes, that’s my instinct, I would never have just divulged everything my son had told me, was just considering whether I should tell my husband anything at all. I think I wanted reassurance I wasn’t way off the mark by not including my husband. I will book a solo counselling session to try to get my own head straight to be the best help to my son. Thanks again 🙏🏻

I disagree if one off my children told my partner something so serious id want my partner to tell me

The difficulty here is that let’s assume at some point your husband does know, and then finds out that you’ve not told him, then he’s devastated for your son and devastated that you’ve kept something so massive from him.

and whilst there will be people who will come along and tell you that that’s his problem, and he shouldn’t care as long as your son is ok, I think the reality is that most people would care, and would be hurt, and would not expect their marriage look the same after.