DS just got his drivers' license - does anxiety get any better?

[anotherglass]

Hello, my 23 year-old DS got his DL a week ago, first try. It took him more than a year of lessons, so I am very proud of him. However, the first time he went out on his own, my anxiety hit the roof. He plans to drive to work 3 days a week, about 8 miles away, but he needs to travel on the M1 for about 10 mins - so it's high speed. He is a sensible driver but I am still overwhelmed with nerves. Please tell me the worry will get easier!

All I can say is that he is 23 - a grown man - and you need to calm down.

DD passed at age 17, I had been out practicing with her so I knew she was ok. A couple of years on and she drives long distances without any stress.

My other DC is older but Covid was in just the wrong years for him - still hasn’t learnt to drive and I’m slightly glad he will be more mature when he does pass. I don’t think I’ll worry much about him compared to the immature teenager brain he could have been using to drive 😂

Worrying changes nothing whatsoever- you will get used to the fact that your son is a grown adult and has the certified skills to be able to do this.

That’s like telling someone with depression to just cheer up.

OP, I suffer with anxiety too. My daughter passed her test just over a year ago and drives to work and back which is about 6miles each way and I still worry. She’s 21. I don’t choose to be this way it’s just who I am so I understand you!

I have to say I was worried the first few times mine went out after they passed. Not that they were going to die or anything, that they were going to hit something and I was going to have to end up paying the excess or itbwas going to knock their confidence. They didn’t though and it’s amazing having extra adults in your house that can drive. Not only do you not have to take them anywhere but they can do useful things.

The practical test isn’t easy to pass so there is no need really to worry that they can’t drive. The more they are driving the better try will be at it.

Sorry that was in reply to Rocknrollstar but it didn’t quote.

Yes it will, despite the poster mentioning his age its natural to worry a bit.

Just want to say - couldn’t edit my post - that he should have a lesson on motorway driving so that you know he will be safe.

Thank you. It is comforting that someone gets where I am coming from. x

My husband has taught me over the years to worry about things less so I disagree that it’s like telling someone with depression to cheer up. He has a ‘there’s no point in worrying about things you can’t change’ attitude and I’ve found it quite helpful really. Now I think that there’s no point in me sitting there worrying about my dd crashing the car, it’s not going to make it less likely that she crashes.

But worrying doesn't change anything, so it's utterly pointless. Maybe your son should be planning to move into his own place, so then you'll have the luxury of not knowing where he is or what he's doing..... I bet your parents had no idea where you were at 23!

I get what you’re saying but sadly for some of us, it’s just not that easy unfortunately.
It’s like, I have an irrational fear of spiders. I know they’re not going to hurt me but I can’t just quieten my brain to think rationally about it. (Not helped by the massive fucker that I’ve just had on my bath mat!)

It does ease. My DS passed his test two years ago at 17 and I was a wreck at first, and I still get a bit twitchy when he's doing a very long journey, but it has completely transformed his life and he's such a good, calm, confident driver now and drives all over the country, regularly doing 500 miles in a weekend to get to events. Going out in the car with him really helped, and as a previous poster said, we booked him an extended motorway lesson with his instructor a few days after he'd passed his test. I remember those first anxious waits, though, so I'm offering a handhold!

My daughter passed at 18 this year and I don't worry. She's already a very competent driver and lost the new driver vibe very quickly. I suggested we pop to IKEA via the m5 and m6 two days after she had passed and has done independent trips to Plymouth, and Cornwall for camping on her own within a couple of months. She's do e more miles than me ( I've had health problems). Both her Dad and I are now ex professional drivers, so she's learnt alot from us sublimininally. She also hold down a responsible jobe too.

It kind of gets easier as they get older. It helps after they’ve left home and they don’t need to ring you any more with queries:

I think I’ve broken my toe. What do I do? (19 at Uni during Covid lockdown)

my laptop fell in the sink and doesn’t work (needed help to claim on insurance)

its very rare now they need that kind of support with anything, so with physical distance and time I’ve kept repeating to myself that they are more than capable of looking after themselves. And there are so many things outside of their/your control you kind of distance yourself and try to put those anxieties in a box and seal it up. You eventually forget about that box.

and having lots of other things to do really helps (also counselling for anxiety/depression and yoga!)

I can imagine this is completely nerve wracking op! You could buy him motorway lessons?

I totally understand the parental anxiety about it, I think it’d be weird to not feel a bit anxious.

I tried to tell myself that DC wouldn’t have passed their test if they weren’t competent. Also the more they get out and drive, the more they’ll gain confidence.

You can do the pass plus lessons to get motorway tuition if that would help?

Try not to pass your own anxiety onto your son, it gives him great freedom and independence.

I’m sure you were a bit anxious the first time he walked to school on his own or cycled somewhere on his own, and once he’d been doing it a while you probably stopped worrying so much. I think it’s normal for parents to worry a bit when their children first start doing something.

Me too. It’s so inconvenient.

I found it terrifying when my DC drove off alone the first time. They were only 17 though and I was able to make a few ground rules that you couldn't really do with a 23 year old.
There's a huge difference in maturity of lads between 17 and 23 so that's a bonus. Not much else you can do. Is he thoughtful? DS2 (27) still messages me when he gets home if he's been to visit.

He’s 23, not 17.

I do think 17 is too young for males to drive. My son will take one lesson a week beginning at 17 and hopefully pass sometime when he is 18.

Im sure I will worry a bit.

I drive on a motorway several times a week and unfortunately one lesson won't make him safe or anyone in fact. You can have as many lessons as you like but your safety isn't always down to you.

I know that statistically motorways are the safest roads per mile but you still can't guarantee you won't be in an accident

This isn't meant to make the OP worry more than she already is but to be realistic that an extra lesson isn't going to make much if any difference