Does everyone else have it together, or is parenting just chaos?

[BySunnyOpalOtter]

How do people have their lives so together?! Or is it all an illusion?! I feel like I am farcically stumbling through life! I (F42) have a partner and two young kids. Kids both have different things for tea and won’t sit at the table. I have to practically chase DD3 round to get her to eat anything. This morning breakfast for DS7 was a slice of toast on the way to school (DD was given apples, strawberries and a pancake but didn’t eat them). I didn’t have breakfast, nor did I bring anything with me for lunch at work (although I did hang the washing up to dry so, small win!). We don’t seem to be able to consistently meal plan and prep so we’re constantly nipping to the shops for something for our tea (usually eaten at about 9pm once the kids are in bed). As a consequence I have gained a lot of weight, but when do you exercise?! I see these slender, Adanola Lycra clad mum’s obviously off to the gym after the school run 🤷‍♀️! Meanwhile I stagger sweaty and stressed into work. Bedtime for DD3 is another farce, and she frequently wakes at night too! The house (and car!) always seems a mess, and the laundry basket is usually overflowing. And where do I even start on what to wear! I hate everything in my wardrobe (and desperately need new bras) but don’t really know what my style is to buy new stuff - I feel like I’ve lost myself along the way! How do we get it together and stay more organised?! Any advice or tips?!

Chaos 🥺 xx

No one is perfect, some chaos is to be expected.

But what you describe sounds a bit much? Can you really not do a menu plan of very simple foods and shop each week for the same things, and all just sit down with a toaster and fruit bowl on the table for breakfast?

Sometimes aiming high and missing is less effective than aiming a bit lower and hitting the target.

I have 3 under 6 and pregnant with no.4, we are not chaotic, but I’m a SAHM.

We eat early with the kids, mostly the same meal, not due to fussiness, more if I’m dieting or DH wanting high protein.

We have a little table and chairs where the kids sit. They only get tv at meal times (1hr) so if they aren’t eating we pause the tv or it goes off e.g. 5 more mouthfuls before I press play etc, so they tend to just eat.

They all go to bed at once really early (6pm). We get ready for bed down stairs straight after dinner: pyjamas, teeth, doing it quickly means they can choose the next programme. Once upstairs it’s just toilet, story + Tonie, less than 10 mins.

I put their clothes out for school + nursery the night before, so if it’s not a shower day then they both get dressed before the sun comes up on their groclock.

Things I have changed since having a family:

• do a bigger shop once a month to get the cupboards stocked
• majority eating same meals, have about 12 meals on repeat so less ingredients and thinking
• Prep in advance and in bulk - look at dump bags taming twins
• slow cooker food a lot
• slowly reducing stuff in the house, less mess
• trying to adapt a more capsule wardrobe so less thinking about clothes and tidier wardrobe
• washing on timer overnight to finish after breakfast
• a few evenings of exercise, YouTube workout videos if can’t get out house

Just reread your initial post OP and a few things. Try not to chase your daughter as that’ll make it a game and it sounds like she wants to avoid meal times. Give them a 10 minute / 5 minute countdown to dinner to prepare them and then it’s sitting up time - together! Whether you’re eating or not. Either serve her a variety of things on a plate or leave it on the table for her to choose. If she doesn’t have a big appetite then that’s okay but if it’s just fussiness then exposure really helps.

Laundry - eugh. Never ending. The chore we’ll all be doing forever 😆 I have no magic solution except it’s time for your son to get involved! Give him some ownership - sorting it into lights and darks every few days, helping fold it and putting it in people piles to put away. Make it a nice time of day where you can chat and model what he needs to be doing. Really important he sees that if he wears clothes, he needs to be responsible for them too. Ditto the dishes - he can be loading and unloading the dishwasher easily at his age. And the car - send him out with a bin bag and get him to help. A car bin will help too. His sister will see this and slowly learn she will be expected to do it too.

Do you have a partner? If so, do they pull their weight? I feel like you shoulder a lot if you’re not a single mum.

I hope you can make some changes that help you!

P.S. I wear Primark, not Adanola 😂❤️

Relatable! Think we’re all spinning multiple plates. However one of the things that’s helped me get a lot of order in the chaos is ChatGPT! I use it for all sorts but especially meal planning. It’s made me more organised and I spend a lot less too. When I’m overstimulated and can’t think of a meal plan- I take photos of the contents of the fridge/freezer/cupboard and tell it to create me a meal for 2 adults and 2 children. I use it for meal planning before a shop too. It saves a lot of time!

No-one can do it all or have it all, and most people I know are just winging it (myself included!) Most people are living chaotically - if not physically, then mentally! The mental load is absolutely exhausting.
I'm a single parent with 2 kids aged 11 & 14 (the 11 yr old is very difficult) and I work full time and I'm constantly exhausted. I have a cleaner fortnightly (highly recommend this!) but the house is still a mess - it's a very much organised mess, e.g. 5 massive baskets of soft toys, spare room full of boxes of STUFF, an attic full of all the clothes they've ever worn that I don't have time to get rid of.... but it still annoys the hell out of me every day!!
If you're looking for advice, I do think that there are a few things you can do... We have always had meals sat at the kitchen table, and always one meal for the whole family (their dad was here with us when they were little - we never ate separately to the kids). If they didn't eat it, that's that.
While I've never been great at meal planning or prepping, we do have a lot of dinners that are very easy (and often repeated) - breaded chicken steaks or chicken kievs with oven chips, pizza, pasta with a very simple sauce or even just with grated cheese. Frozen peas or frozen sweetcorn (done in the microwave) or carrot and cucumber sticks to get some veg into them! Fruit available at each meal.

I feel your pain, OP! My kids are 5, 3 and 1 and I don’t think we are quite in a state of chaos but it always feels like it could tip that way at any point.

I work 80% and husband is full time, both in full on jobs with no WFH option. I totally agree with others that it’s impossible to have it all, at least all at the same time! We all have the same time, so we just have to work with that and decide what’s a priority and what isn’t.

For us, it’s important that we all eat breakfast and dinner together (well, all kids and whichever parent is home). Massive pan of porridge every morning. Meals are healthy but very boring and simple on weekdays. I’m also a bit highly strung about the house and laundry so lose a lot of time to ironing and folding and sorting, if I’m not working in the evening. A load in every morning to finish when I get home from work. We are lucky to have a cleaner.

I also need to exercise to keep me from going mad. I’ve kind of accepted that for now I just have to build it into the day as much as possible. I run home from work a lot of the time, and run the school or nursery runs when I can. At the weekend we might take turns to do classes or do some family activity where husband and I can exercise.

However. It takes me a fortnight to reply to texts. My social life is limited (luckily most of my friends are in a similar boat). I spend my whole life in work clothes or gym kit. Hair hasn’t been out of a mum bun for at least a year. Make up routine, which used to be important to me, is now the absolute bare minimum. If things aren’t written down, I forget them immediately - it’s like my working memory is at capacity and I just can’t absorb any more information.

Honestly, it gets easier as they get older but the game changer was working part time, especially once both kids were at school. I also refuse to cook separate meals, there’ll be something on the plate that I know everyone will eat, but we all get the same ( yes even autistic DD though she might only eat the rice if it’s curry for example).
Do you have a partner? If so make sure they’re doing their fair share ( this might not be exactly equal if one of you works more but DH is in charge of mornings on my work days).

@apples24 I take my hat off to you 🩷
Wishing your husband well and I hope things become lighter one day and that you find the time to be kind to yourself.. you absolutely deserve it 🫶

OP, our house has been similar at times. I find a routine helps for some things, for example:

Bag/coats/shoes hung up when ppl they come in - things don't get lost.

Load the dishwasher each night and empty it each morning - means dirty dishes are out of sight all day.

Each morning I put a wash on a delay and hang it out when I get home from work - takes the thought out of it and means I never get surprised by an unwashed football kit on the day of a match etc.

I do a white wash every Friday after school so I know everyone has uniform for the next week.

Meal plan each week, one big shop every Saturday morning. It means we are never stuck wondering what's for tea.

Meals are put out and later removed, if noone eats, that's not my problem!

Google calendar reminders keep me on the ball. Stuff goes in immediately and a reminder gets set immediately.

Tbh I didn't even realise I did all that until I thought about it just now, it's just become part of life. I still go without lunch cos I often don't get round to taking food to work, I don't go to the gym enough and my house is regularly dusty/unhoovered but I think it's just family life.

Book a day - literally block it out on your calendar - to get your hair done and another day to go shopping for some good basics if that will make you feel better - you absolutely deserve that!

I think it fluctuates, I have periods where everything feels totally chaotic and phases where I feel like a tip top Mum.

I find exercising feels like something I'm doing for me - I'd recommend doing some kind of actual class or group exercise you enjoy and making it a priority - I think it generates more energy and just gives you something outside of the family which brings a bit of sanity. The trick is to find some time which is technically feasible then guard it furiously!

I also think it very much depends what kind of child/ren you have as to how chaotic you feel it is.

My first offspring is a bundle of energetic disorganised chaos. The second is very malicious, calm, likes joining me in doing 'adult' activities and very independent. I often feel like an outstanding parent to the second one... But it has very little to do with me !

The first... Chaos and stress... One loooong path of barely averted disasters.

I would highly recommend nailing family dinner as a ritual. It was the thing I always insisted on - dinner together with no TV etc,. Now DC1 is an older teen it's check-in and catch-up time. I'm very glad we still have this time.

It’s difficult and chaotic at times but gets easier when kids are older. Packed lunches night before. Yours too!

we got ours dressed etc in living room too.

meal plan and the grocery delivery. Have some panic meals in freezer just in case - pizza, nuggets, filled pasta.

try to get a washing load done as soon as you get up. Put it on quick cycle around 6 and out at 7. Depending on your timescales of course. Dishwasher on after dinner so it’s finished before bed (I don’t leave anything on overnight due to fire risk). The unload as you’re doing breakfast etc.

make a b/fast menu for the kids to choose between 1-3 things so it feels like they’re in control. They might be more likely to eat! Might not!

TV for 20 mins so you can get ready.

decent moisturiser before bed. Some tinted spf for day with a new mascara. Hair cut and new bras as suggested.

exercise - try to alternate with partner in evening even if for twice per week for 10 mins each. Lift some weights and try some yoga. Then again at weekend try to get a decent 30mins.

have a cloth in each bathroom. When you’re in and out wipe the sinks so it doesn’t build up. Hoover a different room each day when you have 2 mins so that doesn’t feel like a massive task.

have a dump box. Anything out of its “home” goes in the box. Play a game with kids to run around and re-home all items and see how long it takes - toys, socks, that random charger on the floor….

just ideas that might help.

I bought a couple of the Quick Roasting Tin cookbooks and meal plan with recipes from there twice a week. They are great for quick midweek meals. I then have 3 staple, simple meals on rotation that are easy to rustle up and freeze.

Mornings are usually chaotic with small DC and it will get a LOT easier as they get easier. DD is 13, she gets herself up (ridiculously early) sorts her own breakfast and is out of the door with no intervention from me. DS starts secondary next year and that will be the end of the school run for me! You are in the trenches for now but you will climb out.

I go to the gym 2-3 times a week and am
one of the mums you see wearing Adanola at the school gate (no Lycra though😂) I
go on a Saturday and twice during the week when I do classes at 6.15am which I know is not possible for everyone but it’s the only time I can consistently do. I just decided to make it a priority because I had some health issues and needed to get fitter. Again, this becomes a lot more do-able as your kids get older.

I work FT, mainly from home and thankfully the job is very well paid. However I realised some time ago that I could either push myself career rise and dedicate my energy to progressing at work OR prioritise my health, wellbeing and DC. I cannot do both, it’s physically impossible. I chose the latter. I have checked out mentally at work and spend time each day reducing the list of things to do at home and keeping on top of the kids admin etc in between Teams calls. I’m overlooked at work, no longer put forward for projects and if redundancy is ever on the table I’m sure I’ll be first in line. I’m ok with that. Taking a back step at work has given me space to breathe and yes…deal with the chaos!

All eat the same meal at the same time. Making 2 or 3 different things each evening and 2 different breakfasts is going to take a lot if time. If you eat with the children instead of when they go to bed you will have the evening to get organised for the next day.
Plan meals and do an online shop. I used to have 2 deliveries a week so the ingredients were fresh. After a few shops it gets quicker as you have favourites lists.
Don't chase your 3 year old around to get them to eat. Unless they have a disability, they will eat when they're hungry. No need to try and force it.

Been there, great when they are young but the a nightmare to change routine once older

Now my DC are older we have porridge t shirts which are dh's old t shirts that go on over the top of the uniform because they can't be trusted not to smear porridge all over themselves. To be honest I use the same system when I get ready for work.

A nightmare in what way? We did it all downstairs when they were younger, then it just naturally progressed to them sorting themselves out upstairs when they got older.

Watch Outnumbered on iPlayer. I find that to be quite accurate!

I only have 1 kid so naturally your world will be more chaotic than mine. They being said I really struggled with the carnage of just basically being a working parent and so I do have some tips that may help.
Automate your house as much as possible. By that I mean deliveries. Food deliveries, I actually do 2 smaller shops instead of 1 large shop and have a delivery pass that I pay for with Sainsbury's. Means you only have to think a few days in advance and don't have so much to store and put away and less waste. Get automatic deliveries for as much as possible like pet food, toilet paper, deodorant literally as much as you can. Lastly try take take time for you because you matter! I have booked a day off on Monday. My brain tells me I should not because I may need that day if ds is sick and I need the day off but my heart tells me book it just for mr because I matter! If he is sick it will be worked out then. I would not make 2 meals for the kids. 1 meal on the table that's it, don't chase her. If she doesn't eat she doesn't eat. She will get the message.when she is hungry.

Small children and both working makes it very hard to keep on top of things.

Could you outsource anything e.g. cleaner, ironing etc.

Could your dh be more helpful e.g could he order a food shop and meal plan or take turns doing bedtimes?

I had a fussy eater, still is. I adapted the dinner to include elements the would eat, serving dishes on the table. So a roast where they could pick the bits they like. Fajitas but they might just eat grated cheese and some cucumber on the side.

Batch cook. Prep or make the meal the night before once the kids are in bed for the next day.

You definitely need to do online food shopping. I have a delivery pass and usually I can get a slot for the next day, or at worst the day after. When I reserve the slot I add last week's order and check out then go back in when I have time to edit it with what I actually want.

We meal plan and it goes on our Google calendar, along with all other family stuff. This means either me or DH can get on with making dinner independently without having to ask the other what we're having. We eat dinner together every night and always have done.

Both me and DH WFH. After DH leaves for the school run in the morning, I empty the dishwasher, reload it, feed pets and put the laundry on. I then hang it up at some point during the day when I'm making a cup of tea.

Exercise and cleaning are the tricky ones. Exercise I have one class per week booked on a weekday evening and everyday I do my physio exercises after DC are ready for bed and are reading (eg 8.30pm). On top of that I try to do something (bike ride/parkrun etc) on the weekend and walk the school run a couple of times during the week but I could be better. Cleaning is just opportunistic when I can find the time.

I do meal plan because I realise dwe were spending too much money per month if I did small shops. So I have a 3 week meal plan on rotation (weekdays only - on the weekends we eat leftovers or order McDs/pizza or whatever else). I cook when everyone is asleep so all I have to do is reheat the next day. Also I use a slow cooker and I cook larger batches so I freeze some as well.
I miss exercising, that’s one I’ve not been able to fit in yet. I am lucky that my kids eat what I cook, but I also cook things I know they will eat. The kids eat after school. Me and DH eat later. I am not fussed about “family meals”. We do that on the weekends.
I also gained weight the last few years. I don’t have time to exercise and I realised I never eat breakfast because I do the school drop off. So I started intermittent fasting and I only eat between 12 and 8. I skip breakfast (I only have black coffee) and I eat a packed lunch at work, a healthy snack inbetween and dinner. I lost 8kg in 6 months.
Lastly, give yourself grace because your little one is still little. I started to breathe again when my little one turned 5. So hang in there for another couple years x

I am the main breadwinner in our house and work full time, often long hours. DH does all the cooking, the majority of the cleaning and a lot of the physical side of the childcare but all the mental load, bills, vet appointments, anything to do with school or clubs, trips out, anything to do with organising is on me. We have no family help. As others have said, we can’t have everything and anyone who appears to probably doesn’t.

I exercise after DD is in bed as I’m not a morning person 😂 and DH leaves at 6 for work. I massively decluttered so there’s less shit everywhere to tidy away. I generally look disheveled unless I’m going into the office and even then that’s a very different version of “dressed up” compared to before 😂 I can’t have any more kids (cancer) but even if I could I wouldn’t because my god, I don’t know how I’d manage it. All of you on this thread with more than one, juggling everything else on top, I applaud you!

“My life isn’t this chaotic but I am very strict and have no tolerance for fucking about.”

This resonated with me. I was always teetering on the edge of chaos but I was strict AF and had a hands on husband. That is the magic formula.