Five year old suddenly upset about grandma who died three years ago

[Whenwillheatwaveend]

Last Week (around back to school time) my 5 year old started crying saying she’s sad because grandma died and she misses her. My grandma died 3 years ago when she was 2 she wouldn’t really remember her. She continued to talk and cry about this multiple times per day since. Is this anxiety over school? Or what could be th cause and how do I deal with it?

so far I have tried cuddles and comfort and the last few days have been saying grandma wouldn’t want you to be sad so if it makes you sad try not to think of her. But I have no clue if this is the right approach?!?

any advise most appreciated

It's normal. Children's understanding of death changes with age. At 2 she didn't really know what was going on, now she's 5 she's realised she doesn't have 2 grandmas like everyone else.

It sounds like she's also getting a lot of extra attention everytime she mentions it.

She still has 2 grandmothers and a great grandmother. Grandma was my grandma, her great grandma. She was lucky enough to know 2 lots of great grandmothers for a couple of years. Yes I said to my husband today let’s not make a big deal of it if she mentions it but then I was questioning if I was being mean, especially with it coinciding with back to school. Thank you for your input xx

Has she perhaps heard another child at school talking about their grandmother? Or seen a grandmother dropping a friend off? Perhaps something particular has triggered it. Hopefully it will pass.

In my experience (mum of four, and a year 1 teacher for years), around 5 is the age they realise that death is permanent and people don’t come back from it. Maybe she’s suddenly learning about death and translating it to someone she knows/knows of who has died. She might now or soon realise that she will die one day too, and so will you….its a really shocking truth to learn. I’ve seen all my children go through this.

it could well be misplaced anxiety about school, too, as you say.

i don’t think I’d tell her not to think about something that makes her sad, though.

It’s probably better not to tell her not to think about Grandma, as that might make her feel she shouldn’t talk about her feelings. Children can understand grief differently as they get older, so she may simply be beginning to understand what happened. I’d let her talk about Grandma, look at photos or share memories, and reassure her that it’s okay to miss someone.

Ah we had the same! My DS was just two when my Dad died. For a few months afterwards he kept asking when he’d be back from holiday. Then he stopped that but would occasionally say he’d seen my Dad when he saw a man who looked like him. Then at the beginning of year 1 (he’s young in the year so just 5) he suddenly grieved properly and we had upset for a few days / weeks.

As I recall, 5 is the age when children start to understand death - and get anxious about it. Given that it's not really a direct grief for someone she can't remember, not thinking about grandma will probably just displace it into something less manageable e.g. a fear that you might die. I think feeling sad about a grandma she didn't really know is a safe way for her to process her feelings about this new information. Death of close family members is a pretty traumatic thing for anyone of any age to confront. Perhaps say 'yes I'm sad about Grandma too. I miss her. It is very sad when people die, isn't it? [allow her to say what she feels].' ,,,, perhaps also look at some family photos going back through the generations; the ones who've died; the new ones who have been born. Talk about happy memories if you have them but allow space for the understanding of the 'circle of life' to process.

As others have said, it sounds very normal. My DD at 5 sometimes got very upset to the point of tears about never knowing my DH's father, who died before she was born. I think you should just validate her feelings and say that it is very sad and that you also feel sad about it, and then move the conversation on.

I went through this with my daughter. Very similar age.

We just allowed her to talk about her. Showed her pictures etc.

The thing that really helped was giving her something to remember her grandma by that was hers to keep.

It was my husbands mum we lost and he found it upsetting the way she kept bringing his mum up.

It's very normal
I have always said you can talk to me about anything. If she says she misses x, we then talk about them, the things that they did, the things that we all loved- quite often different. I always say it's okay to miss them and be sad sometimes that they died however they would want us to be happy. And then quite often shall we go to x (somewhere we went with them) and do y (ice-cream, park, day out) to remember them....
We also have read invisible string and also made a memory tree with all the things that they loved doing/ memories of them to help them process. Remember that kids don't always process verbally so craft may help

She’s doing it for attention.

I think it’s more that she’s understanding the concept of death, rather than specifically being upset about your grandma. My son has been going through the same thing lately about his great grandad, who he never met. It’s just that he’s the only person he “knows” who died, so he’s the focus of the questions and concerns.

I’d treat this less as focusing on grandma as a person, and more on laying the foundations of what you want to tell her about dying in general. So for us, we’ve talked about how great grandad was very, very old and that people who get very old do die. And then we’ve taken his questions and gone from there (he asked if only old people die, how old do you have to be, will X person die soon etc etc).

I agree - it's an age/learning thing. My son had, as others have said, lost a grandparent at 2. One day at 5, he broke a bowl - not a special one - but the floodgates opened. He sobbed for hours and would not be consoled. It couldn't be repaired. He didn't want a replacement. He didn't care that it was cheap. He wanted it back, and sobbed that it had 'gone forever. Nothing could bring it back '. I realized then what he was grappling with.

Use this to model gently how to handle grief. Agree with her, that it is sad that she can't see Grandma any more, and give her a cuddle. Validate her feelings, without increasing them. Expect her to get over it soon.

If she doesnt, you can, without making a big fuss, ask her what would help. Would she like a special picture of Grandma to put in a frame, (or not. She doesn't have to ) Would she like to go into a church and light a candle? You can show her different ways that people find helpful when grieving, but you can also distract her and do fun things together too. She'll get there.

I have a 5 year old and he's recently been a bit obsessed by death, I think it's an age thing. They are just beginning to understand mortality and it's a big thing. My DS is lucky enough to have not lost anyone close to him, but regularly quizzes me and DH about the grandparents we've lost (are you sad? Did you cry? Do you miss them etc.?).

He did have a spell of trying to get out of tidying up because he was "too sad because great grandma died" (years before he was born) but I assume that's because he's seen another child get special treatment after a bereavement and in his 5 year old brain, it seems like a good tactic to use.

Unless it goes on for a worryingly long time, I'd just lightly sympathise and try to redirect:

"I'm sorry you're sad, I miss her too. Grandma's body was very tired so I'm also happy that she's resting now. Do you want to draw a picture?".

Agree with the overall approach but I wouldn't use the word 'resting' to refer to death - it can lead to confusion. Best to be very clear that death is one thing and resting another. Same for 'sleep'.

My 7 year old does this. Started about 5. Ive found it happens when hes upset about something he cant really articulate. He knows it's "ok" to be sad about missing people so he cries and says its about great grandma/grandpa when it really isnt! It passes with time and reassurance.

Mine was exactly the same, at a similar age. He couldn’t really remember Granny but it was a way of expressing any particular sad feeling he might be experiencing. I found a nice cuddle and then distraction worked, and he grew out of it in the end.

I agree with PP's - it's normal as they're just starting to understand death and losing people, that said... towards the end of reception DD's teacher caught me at drop off and told me she was very sorry for my loss and asked how I was doing. Seeing my confusion she elaborated and said that my DD had told her that her my dad had died. To which I replied that he had... 10 years before 🤦‍♀️