Co-parenting hell. A dad that refuses to learn and a mother at her wits end.

[AlPjJd971526]

I am in co-parenting hell...I have a 6 month old, his dad is in his life which I'm glad for but he is not making it easy. I ended the relationship before our son was born, so since for the first 3 weeks he came round daily for between 1-2 hours, then we changed to aiming for 3 times a week for 1 and a half hours (he had started back at work from paternity leave). Eventually through mediation it was upped to 2 hours per visit.

Here is the problem, I suggested very early on that he learn how to prepare a bottle, but I was given 5 reasons as to why he hadn't learned/why he didn't want to. Just before our son turned 6 months, he finally offered to watch me make a bottle (FINALLY). At the next visit e made one with my supervision and guidance. He has made 5 bottles so far, 3 of which had to be resterilised. Dad wants to have the baby independently but has only recently learned how to make a bottle (but not the sterilisation process), he struggles with changing the babies clothes, I have to refasten the nappies or check he has pulled out the cuffs. The baby has now started weaning. Dad has little to no experience with car seats.

I have told him that once he has caught up and learned how to meet our sons needs, then we can start introducing him having the baby independently. But he seems resistant to that plan. How can I trust him with the care of our baby when he has only recently started to learn his basic needs?? Mediation has been no help, I am terrified that he will take this to court. I want our baby to have a relationship with his dad, I want to be able to trust him, but so much has happened, and it feels like all he does is complain that he isn't getting enough or exactly what he wants but he isn't willing to put in the work to get it!

He also moans that his family haven't had a chance to spend time with the baby despite me offering on multiple occasions that his family are welcome to come round when he does as long as it is pre-arranged. I have said that I am willing to try and work around their limitations and their schedules where I can, but he doesn't arrange anything with them, so what am I meant to do???

All I want for our son is for him to have a good relationship with both parents and both sides of the family, but I have to prioritise the safety and wellbeing of our son. I trust my mother 100% but if she could not meet the baby's needs, I would not trust her to care for him, that goes for anyone no matter what relation you are to the child in my opinion. If anyone has any advice on what more I could possibly do aside from repeatedly offering the same things with his family and repeatedly asking him to learn, I am all ears! I really don't know what more I can do.

Dad wants to have the baby independently but has only recently learned how to make a bottle (but not the sterilisation process) - I read this as 'Dad can make a bottle.' Excellent news!

he struggles with changing the babies clothes, I have to refasten the nappies or check he has pulled out the cuffs. Why? What would happen if you just...didn't? Dad needs to figure this stuff out in the same way you did, through practise.

The baby has now started weaning. Great, a learning experience for you, a learning experience for Dad.

Dad has little to no experience with car seats. How much experience with car seats did you have before baby? How and when did you start getting experience with car seats? It is not uncommon to have zero experience with carseats as first time parents.

If anyone has any advice on what more I could possibly do aside from repeatedly offering the same things with his family and repeatedly asking him to learn, I am all ears! I really don't know what more I can do. Nothing. Let Dad have the baby independently. How will he 'catch up' if you don't let him try?

The best advice I was given when my little ones arrived was "don't be the expert of the baby" and "there is more than one way to skin a cat."

His way does not have to be your way. It's ok for him to find his own way, just like thousands of parents do, it's trial and error a lot of the time. Start leaving the baby at home with him for an hour and then extend the time as you get more comfortable with it.

... it's clear from the post that the father isn't taking the care of his child seriously, it doesn't take 5 times to learn to sterilise a bottle or do a nappy. Op dont take first comment to heart, it makes sense you don't trust him to look after the baby independently because he's faffed it up so far in your presence. No mother wants to hand over a precious and well cared for infant for the other parent to learn from when he has had trhe benefit of a teacher and still effed it up.

If he goes to court then say all you have said, record things and his resistance and reluctance to properly learn.

You sound very controlling. Yes this is your baby. Yes they are precious. But he is the father and can learn just as you did. I had zero experience of anything before I had my child. I didn't go on any courses on how to use a car seat.

Babies don’t break easily. Unless you have any real concerns that your ex would deliberately harm your baby, then let him crack on. He has to learn. Send your baby with some notes if you think your ex needs a crib sheet, but while turning cuffs out and putting a nappy on properly will make your son more comfortable, it won’t endanger him. I mean this kindly but let go of the reins.

What would happen if your baby didn’t have their cuffs pulled out?

OP is looking out for her baby. Firsr time parenting is hard enough without an incompetent, unwilling to learn father

He obviously cares for the baby, but his style of parenting is clearly making OP worried ..... She isn't controlling.
Your comment is harsh.

He has to learn himself like you did.
I bet things would have been much harder and a lot more awkward for you if you had someone standing over you telling you to perform in front of them so they can see how much you know.
Its his baby too.

How is OP being controlling? All he has to do is make a bottle properly and dress and change his child properly in her presence. Its not difficult, hes just refusing to do it properly.

He spent 6 months refusing to learn to feed his child, why would you be comfortable handing your baby over to this person? Yes no baby is going to come to harm because the cuffs arent pulled out on their nappy, but equally thats a very simple step he still hasn't learned to do, what else is he going to not learn to do?

He spent 6 months refusing to learn to feed his child, why would you be comfortable handing your baby over to this person?

No, I wouldn't.
@AlPjJd971526 he sounds like a complete idiot and you're right to be concerned.

His baby too yet he refused to make a bottle for the first 6 months. If its his baby too why hasn't he put in the effort to learn to care for it in the first 6 months of it's life?

Op is quite rightly anxious. If he really cared about his child he wouldvd learnt to demonstrate these quite basic skills a long time ago. Pulling the cuffs out on a nappy is not such a difficult task that someone watching you makes you repeatedly eff it up.

I understand that I may come across as controlling or be seen as being unfair, I know he is dad and I want him to be involved in our sons life. I already have a child from a previous relationship, yes I did 'learn on the job' but I had my mother for guidance. This is his first baby, I don't expect him to do any courses or be an expert in all things baby, I just want him to be willing to learn with my guidance so he can have baby independently, how can he meet the babies needs if he doesn't learn them beforehand?

I don't think dad will deliberately cause the baby harm, but how can I trust that he won't come to harm accidentally due to dad not learning how to care for his current needs properly?

My original post is just a small snippet of how the last 6 months have been. For a bit of a wider picture of our circumstances, Instead of figuring it out himself, he got his sister to put the car seat in his car. Our son has been hospitalised twice since birth, the second time around when I called at 1am to tell him that I'd taken our baby to hospital, his first instinct was to say "don't call me before ten, just message me updates".

All I want is for our son to grow up healthy and loved by both parents, I just want baby's dad to be able to meet his needs properly and consistently before I can trust him with the welfare of our baby. I know cuffs not being pulled out on a nappy isn't going to be our sons detriment, but why should the baby be made uncomfortable because his dad won't take 2 second to pull them out? Regarding the clothing issue, dad tries to undress baby while holding baby or while baby is in his rocker despite me advising that it would be easier for him and more comfortable for baby if baby was lying down.

I really appreciate the feedback I have been given on this post. Thank you.

how is that controlling?

I was given 5 reasons as to why he hadn't learned/why he didn't want to.
that's not normal, no normal mother or father has to "learn" about making a bottle. You just learn immediately.

Baby needs to feed from birth! If someone can't even do the most basic thing, how on earth would anyone trust them with a baby.

It's not even wanting to do it in his own way, which he should, he's not doing anything at all.

So this man got paid FT paternity leave to spend 1-2 hours a day with you and his kid?
What was he doing the rest of the time, because he could quite easily have been watching how to make bottles-all the basic babycare stuff is online.
It's just sickening that people with cancer have limited paid leave, nowhere near as much as some of them genuinely need, yet he's (and presumably many other parents) paid for nothing. Oh sorry, 1-2 hours. Not the point? The point is, he's had lots of time to learn!

For fuck's sake why is it always women that have to try and teach these utterly useless men how to do things?
I'm sorry OP but if that was me I'd be saying come back when you've found out how to look after a child.