Do you feel guilty as soon as you leave your children?

[sodoffbeforemycupofcoff]

I can’t win.

I am my own worst enemy.

I long for a break, I’m stressed to the maximum when I am sorting my children for the school run and making sure they are on time for school.
I am totally stressed out with their arguing and messing around when I am with them and often loose my patience with them.

And then they’re at school….i feel guilty.

I replay everything I said and did and feel like the worst mum in the whole wide world.

Am I the only one? I constantly feel like my kids deserve a better, more patient and relaxed mum not a stress headed maniac!

join the very large club!!!

No, why would I? No child in the history of the world has ever had a parent hovering over them literally every moment of the day, exceptionally severe additional needs excepted.

What do you mean sorry?

It’s awful isn’t it

Not at all. If they did what I asked the first or second or third time, I wouldn't end up being shouty.

They skipped into school this morning, I'm back at work with a coffee, we'll all be nicer to each other for not having seen each other all day!

I think most decent people feel a bit bad for getting stressy and shouty with their children, but it's perfectly normal and most houses trying to get children out the door will be a bit fraught in the morning.

I'm not wracked with guilt over it. He's at school, I'm at work (well, not today but usually). He'll come home happy and chatty, as usual. And he won't have been told off for being late/missing his shoes/tie/water bottle, which is usually why I'm stressy in the morning.

Not at all

Me, every day 😭
lose my patience SO fast. Cant stand the bickering and noise. Cant stand the mess even though they’re just kids. Get so triggered by minor things and over react
and then I feel so bad about it 😭really wish I wasn’t like this and always think they deserve much better than me

I could have written this exact paragraph! You are the same as I am! Apparently it is normal which is reassuring. However it is not any easier. I also get triggered so quickly. I do apologise afterward if it was unnecessary. Everyone tells me kids need this but it makes me feel cruel.

I think most of us have this some of the time. It does feel awful. We have better and worse days. But I think when they are doing persistent things that drive you insane, it’s time to think of how practically you can help them upskill. Like atm I have a thing started with 7yr old that she’s getting a tick every time she does what she’s asked first time. No tick if she has to be prompted or doesn’t complete the task. After 50 ticks she gets to choose a toy at the shops. We’re having mixed results I have to say! But I do these interventions from time to time, to focus on skills they don’t yet have, and also to keep me calm - I am practicing asking only once as it’s the repeated nagging that drives me mad and also creates a cycle where they don’t listen first time.

Ps I don’t think it’s true kids need us ratty with them. They need clear enforced boundaries which is not the same thing. Ratty makes us all feel shit! But very normal and hard to reduce, beating yourself up doesn’t help.

You sounds great and like you’re a really hands on mum.
I did have a sticker chart it worked well but is currently a no go. I should really pick this back up actually they did enjoy that.

It’s so hard! I’m so worried about damaging them emotionally!
I think it’s so overwhelming! Always something to do and even when I get a chance to relax I just can’t switch off so never feel rested or recharged and the poor kids get the worse of me 😩

Do you have ADHD? I have that and these are my worst parts of dealing with ADHD and parenting it makes it so much harder and I feel things so much more intensely.

Thanks, you too, a not great mum wouldn’t even be worrying about the impact on their kids! I’m the same, do a chart or similar for a bit, then fall away. Depends on the age of your kids but you could have a bit of a family meeting where you talk about how things have been and the changes you want to see, at a time when you’re chilled (relatively!). You can let them say anything they’d like you to work on, if you feel brave 😆. Then it can have to the tone of ‘here’s a list of all the things we are all working on to make family life enjoyable’. The feedback I usually get if I’ve done this is that they don’t want me to go on and on. That is what I do when I feel really stressed, like I need to speak out how I feel so I just rant at them about whatever thing they are not doing. I try to help them see that the ranting is in direct correlation to their ignoring me when I ask them to do stuff! But equally my ranting isn’t their fault, they are right to ask me to communicate better. It’s a work in progress and it is realistic that they see we are human.

The other thing that helps me when I’m worried about how much I’ve been raging at them, is upping how much I praise and acknowledge what they are doing well. Often on days when I feel like you are now, I get them into school and then think how great they are, and it feels like all I do is criticise.

Sorry long post there I go ranting on again 😆

It's life. Mums are human with feelings and limits and it doesn't hurt your kids to know that.

If people fuck around, acting the giddy goat, after 19363 times of being patient, someone will get to the end of their rag, stop the indulgence and, on occasion, may even raise their voice to express annoyance.

It's a lovely thought but when you're already late, two kids only have one shoe on, bedhead and you've a 9am Teams call it's not the moment to gather round for a TED talk and a star chart.

I'm a huge fan of repetition & routine with young kids. I used to say: 'We do this every morning, you know the drill. Get dressed. Brush your teeth. Shoes on!' on repeat.
Just lock in three clear actions with no debate. 'Is arguing with your sister on that list? No its not. Go & brush your teeth'.
It didn't always work but generally the crazy hour before school was kind of tolerable with 3 clear non negotiables.

I can't say I do. I maybe feel a tiny bit bad but I realise I'm human and only have so much patience and capacity.

I certainly don't worry I'm emotionally damaging by being ratty or shouty occasionally if they aren't listening, doing as they are told or completey pushing boundaries. Being endlessly patient and calm and gentle isn't a realistic state to be in all the time nor do I think it's all that great for kids either. I'm human and humans have emotions and I think children benefit from realising their parents aren't some quiet robot and if they fuck about, then there's consequences to this.

Shouting all the time. That's a whole different ball game. But losing your temper occasionally. I don't worry that will impact my children, quite the opposite in fact. My children are loved and safe and they know they are.

Things is, I feel like I am shouting all of the time though not screaming don’t get me wrong but I will shout and raise my voice if I’m being ignored. That’s what makes me feel awful!

Absolutely not. Mums are human, we are not perfect robots and small children are irritating. Adore them, but i don't feel an ounce of guilt for telling them off when theyre being shites or for taking them to school.
Kids need to learn that how they behave affects other people.

I often feel like this too

To be fair from the title it sounds like you feel bad because you have left them… whereas I think you are actually saying you feel guilty because you’ve been irritated by them.

To answer the question… yes, usually for me it’s when they are asleep in bed looking like little angels and then I feel guilty for snapping at them earlier when they were being little terrors.

No. I never ever did.

It’s a hard one isn’t it.
Yes I feel bad for finding them irritating and then shouting at them I suppose