Punishment for bed behaviour

[Claire387dhheeh]

Need some advice. My daughter is 12yrs and is displaying pre teen behaviour, ie answering back. Eye rolling , whatever, leave me alone etc however she does also have very physical and loud out bursts were she is aggressive and very hateful in what she has said.
we had an incident were this happened a few weeks bk and I said it was not ok and if it happened again I would be selling some concert tickets I had brought her: and alas it happened again. And the tickets have now been sold: I have told her twice she is non or going but last night mentioned to her nan the concert is in 5 days and is so exited. I now feel like a terrible mum for selling them but I wanted to follow through with the decision as want her to lead that this behaviour isn’t ok but she will be heartbroken and I feel so bad have I done the correct thing ?

The concert tickets will help cover the cost of the window

I'd be making it very clear that the concert ticket was sold to pay for a new window. She must know that windows don't just repair themselves.

Just fyi, you don't have to follow through a punishment you later realise wasn't appropriate. You can tell your kid that you said something in frustration or anger that you didn't mean to upset them and it was wrong, that there will be consequences of such and such for their behaviour but mummy shouldn't have said that and you're sorry.

It really really sucks when we have to punish ourselves to teach them consequences. But if she were a grown up on a limited income and she smashed a window, she would have to go without to afford to fix it.

Losing an expensive privilege to pay for the repair of something you broke is a natural consequence.

Yes you need to hold firm.She needs to learn about consequences.......she needs this at school and for the rest of her life.
She also needs to take you seriously as it sounds like she thinks she is still going, so didnt think you would really follow through?

Also, to the people that said to ignore the eyerolling, I dont think so. Would you tell her its okay to eyeroll a teacher? Thats blatant disrespect and why should it be acceptable simply because she is a teen?

Its time for her to learn about money and the cost of the smashed window , tell her exactly how much. Get her to work out how many weeks of pocket money that would be.

@Claire387dhheeh it sounds as though you are not confident in your boundaries and consequences.
You gave a warning and then followed through. Selling the tickets is appropriate because there was a financial implication to smashing te window so recouping that money and withdrawing the privilege is a suitable consequence.
But you are doubting yourself and your dd believes she's still going. Suggests a long history of giving in tbh.
Hormones or not, she needs to learn that her actions have consequences and they will be applied. If she behaved like this outside the home she's be up for criminal damage.
Tough love needed.

Why is she telling her nan she’s looking forward to it if you’ve sold the tickets? When are you planning on telling her? Be prepared for the mother of all kick offs because that will be a huge emotional blow to her.

I’m a big believer in talking it out with teenagers and coaching/mentoring them rather than draconian sanctions. They’re emerging young people and are not little children any more.

You could’ve waited until she was calm and had some quiet (non judgemental) time over a coffee with her to find out why she’s so angry and what led to the breaking of a window. That way you can lead her to authentic reflection about the consequences, even maybe an apology and a toolkit for how she might approach those feelings in future. Even if she didn’t accept responsibilty, and was sulking and difficult, it would’ve been a chance for you to calmly tell her how it made you feel and what it will cost. (It goes in, even if they’re resistant to hearing it).

You rinse and repeat this ‘mentoring’ every time they fuck up. This is the way they learn and develop in their maturity.

As it is now, the moment has gone, she has even more reason to feel angry, misunderstood and let down.

Have you not told her that you sold the tickets? The punishment goes from reasonable to cruel if you didn’t tell her when you did it and have essentially been stringing her along.

Is she hopping her Nan will feel sorry for her and replace the ticket?

This. She's either trying to get nan to replace them, or she's on complete denial and thinks that by talking about the concert, she can somehow change reality.

Expect her to be angry again when the penny drops that you mean it. Try to pre-emp that by talking to her now, offering her anger management courses to help her, so that she can learn to control her anger and never has to miss out again

And good luck! I think you made the right decision. You could have relented on this occasion and then at the next outburst you would not have had such a clear consequence available, and would have been feeling that you had been too soft.

Make it clear that you are sad about missing the concert too. You were looking forward to it too.

(Unless there is the possibility that she has pda? Others will be able to advise on that. )

Yeh you definitely need to have consequences that impact, taking their phone for a day won’t work. Yes you will feel guilty but ultimately it was her behaviour that caused it. People need to stop giving excuses for poor behaviour as it’s allowing them to do what they want without fear of consequences. Just seen photos of that festival in Leeds perfect example.

Absolutely you were right, this is more than bad behaviour, tell her you needed the money to pay for the new window. Expect more of the same when she realises she is not going, but stick to your guns. Good luck, sounds like you are in for a tough ride

She thought you were calling her bluff and/or is trying to get gran on her side. Maybe you’ve threatened consequences in the past and didn’t follow through ? You told her the consequences and she still went ahead and did the same thing again , end of she misses her concert , she will think twice I think in the future but be prepared for another outburst when she realises the tickets are gone

It's called tough love and it is usually more painful for the parent than the child. Dont feel bad. She needs you to be consistent and know her limits. Believe it or not, kids feel more secure with enforced limits than an anything goes attitude. She wont thank you now, but you sound like you are on the right track. Preadolescence and adolescence are tough years for parents.

How does she not know she’s not going?

How does her grandmother not know that your daughter’s not going?

Why do they both not understand that you sold the tickets because your daughter became violent and smashed a window?

This should all be pretty headline news, really.

It sounds like your daughter is having a really hard time right now. I totally understand why you reacted as you did, but you still don't really have an understanding of why the outburst happened and how you can both try and avoid it next time. I like to try and use natural consequences wherever possible, e.g. She broke a window so she'll need to help pay for a new one (even if this means using money that would have gone on a future treat for her). I wonder if the reason you are doubting whether6you did the right thing or not, is because you recognise deep down that this wasn't the most effective response. You know her best. Kids are all different and one size doesn't fit all. I think it's OK to say you think you might have made the wrong choice regarding selling the ticket, as long as you both start to talk and make plans for next time these situations arise. Also, it might help to talk to the school to see if they can help think it all through. Xx