NC for this as I don't want this linked to my usual account.
I'm looking for some advice on how to deal with my BIL and SIL's (DW's side) parenting style, because I'm increasingly finding visits with them really difficult.
They have 2 DC, aged 18 months and 4. I have 2 DS, 9 and 7, so we're obviously at very different stages of parenting. I completely accept that everyone parents differently, and I'm not claiming that my way is necessarily right. But I am really struggling with how they parent and, more importantly, the effect it has on family visits.
They hover over their DC constantly. There is almost no conversation that doesn't revolve around the children. They regularly talk about how hard everything is and how they can't do anything because of the DC. I do sometimes find myself thinking that perhaps they could actually do more if they weren't constantly intervening/monitoring every little thing the children do.
A recent example really brought it home to me. I took the 4yo out with my two DS to the park. 4yo said he couldn't scoot because it was "too hilly" (it really wasn't). He then decided the slide was too high. He had a tantrum when he didn't get his way - lots of crying, although IMO it was more the "performative" sort of crying rather than him actually being distressed.
I found him incredibly difficult to deal with, but if I'm honest I was more frustrated by the fact that I felt his parents had created this situation by constantly doing everything for him and removing any opportunity for him to manage himself, take a small risk, get frustrated etc.
And I know I'm probably being unreasonable here, but I find his behaviour quite difficult to like. He is very petulant and seems to expect adults to accommodate him constantly. My DS were basically getting on with things and he seemed unable to cope with anything that wasn't exactly what he wanted.
They also stayed with us recently. Again, because they are constantly "watching" the DC, they didn't really do anything to help out. We cooked, provided everything, cleared up etc. while they were essentially focused on their children. I appreciate having young children is exhausting, but it can feel like we're providing a hotel service while they supervise their own DC.
Apparently I was visibly grumpy when they left. I genuinely wasn't trying to be, but DW said I'd clearly been annoyed with BIL and SIL. And I probably was, although I didn't consciously intend to show it.
The problem is that I don't actually want to fall out with them. They're family, and they're DW's family. The last thing I want is for DW to feel caught in the middle. She's also very reluctant to say anything because she thinks you should never criticise someone else's parenting.
But I'm increasingly wondering how we're supposed to handle this. I don't want to tell them how to raise their children. That's not my place. At the same time, their parenting choices are starting to affect us when we're together, particularly when their DC are with our DC.
I suppose my biggest concern is that I think they're so risk-averse and interventionist that their DC aren't being given the chance to develop independence. I wouldn't call it abuse or anything like that, but I do sometimes wonder whether constantly preventing a child from experiencing frustration, manageable risk and doing things for themselves is actually a form of neglect in its own way.
Maybe I'm completely out of order here and need to wind my neck in. I have obviously become used to parenting my own two in a completely different way, and perhaps I'm just finding the contrast irritating.
So, MN, AIBU? How would you deal with this?
Do you just accept that this is their parenting style and say nothing? Do you limit visits/staying over? Or is there a way of setting some boundaries without effectively saying "we think you're crap parents"?
I really don't want DW caught in the middle, and I don't want a family row. I just need to work out how to stop myself getting increasingly irritated every time we're together.