ADHD six-year-old now angry and destructive, need wider support advice

[Happclappydays]

Posting here for traffic.... SEN help request....

Really need some advice. I’m an incredibly positive and proactive person but our DC is completely grinding me down and dominating our whole family life, daily. I feel crap saying that and cried a lot in the car today in front of both our DC (younger sibling is 2) and my other half.
Our older DC, 6, was diagnosed with ADHD a few months ago. Over the last 12–14 months their personality has completely and utterly changed. A real 180. They are bright and used to be SO happy, fun and lovely to be around. Now they are angry and moody so much of the time. Their mood can change at the drop of a hat over something completely insignificant.
They have always needed a lot of our attention and can barely play independently for long. Everything we do seems to centre around them. Bike park, activity, day out etc… then they moan and moan for the next thing until it becomes unbearable. If we stand our ground, we risk the house getting trashed, a remote being smashed or similar.
We have tried psychology, but because of their age they would only offer expensive ‘parent sessions’, which we found utterly useless and condescending — basically telling us things we already know and already do. They won’t actually work with DC for a few years, so we stopped.
There are still glimmers of the lovely child we knew, but far fewer than before. It genuinely feels like a personality transplant. I’ve wondered whether their pretty formal single-sex school could be contributing, but the summer holidays have been just as up and down. (DC didn’t meet enough criteria for ASD — I specifically asked during the assessment.)
Life simply couldn’t continue with the level of purposeful damage to belongings and sometimes us, so for everyone’s safety we turned to medication.
We started Equasym 10mg, then 20mg, which seemed to work… until it didn’t. Xaggitin was awful — appetite disappeared and DC hugely went into themselves. We then tried Elvanse, but the angry outbursts continued/worsened. Today we went back to Equasym XL 20mg and I was hopeful we might get back to the semblance of balance we had a few months ago.
Instead, we went to a fair. DC played a football game, lost but was still offered one of the ‘lower’ prizes. They hated the choices, I picked one up, and they snatched it and smashed it on the ground. We left after 15 minutes.
Later at home they randomly thumped me because I didn’t know where their shorts were. Then 30 minutes later they picked up their 2-year-old sibling (which we repeatedly say not to do), dropped them onto the sofa and sibling banged their face and got a lump.
Frankly, I need a rest from the daily toll of it. I’m sick of the behaviour. We DO have boundaries and consequences but they seem to make absolutely no difference going forward. DC is very smart in many ways, but lessons just don’t seem to get ‘learned’.
And that’s the bit I struggle with most — this is a child who genuinely used to be SO happy. They feel like a completely different child.
Could some of this be anxiety about school returning? I’m clinging to the hope that getting back into a routine after 8 weeks might help. But then I worry — what if the new teachers don’t ‘get’ them or support them in the right way?
I constantly ask for help. GP etc. sent us a council family support worker who regularly checked in, but again it felt like someone reading from worksheets rather than actually helping. Our ADHD consultant seems useful mainly for medication and we lead that by feeding back behaviours.
I strongly feel now that we need someone to look at the WHOLE child rather than simply trying another ADHD medication — perhaps a child psychiatrist/second opinion.
I don’t really know what I want from this post. Maybe just to hear from someone who has been through something similar and come out the other side. Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Did anyone else see this kind of huge personality change at 6/7, and did you ever work out what was driving it?
Any constructive thoughts or experiences would be hugely appreciated. Thanks for reading if you got this far! X

@Angliski thanks for this, very interesting to read. Also, very pleased to see you found something that has worked for you and your DC! Do you mind me asking when you made the decision to home ed and how your DC found that transition? I have read a few pieces recently where people have moved their children to home ed. x

So sorry you’re going through this :( My five year old son has ADHD and we get the violent meltdowns too. I’ve been horribly bitten so many times. I hate feeling like we’re walking on eggshells in the house in case something random sets him off.

I hope you manage to find a solution ❤️

@TheBirdintheCave thank you and sending solidarity to you. I really hope you do too. We love them so much so we will make sure we find the solution!

ADHD medication has the single best outcome in longitudinal studies for ADHD. Without it we are asking our dc to permanently manage a dopamine deficiency.
It isn't a magic wand and it can bring a few of its own problems with it but for us it was part of the solution.
Making sure the basics of everyday exercise, regular daily sensory activities, heavy work if needed, a kids therapist to work on emotional regulation support, understanding their ADHD and to provide individual parenting advice. Melatonin if needed for sleep but not daily.
Clear visual timetables, a place for every in the house. Low demand questions and requests.
An understanding that transitions from one activity to another is hard and using sensory materials if helpful, snacks, water, fidgets.
Not taking things away as a consequence.
Understanding that their social and emotional development is going to be up to 30% delayed and having adjusted expectations in line with that.
Working on not criticizing or correcting too much, dc with ADHD tend to have multiple more corrections than praise.
And the really hard one of staying regulated ourselves even when our dc wasn't.
Parenting a neurodivergent dc is really hard, often one parent is also neurodivergent and that can make it harder.
Edited to add I'm sorry for writing a blinking essay!

One of the things we found most helpful was SaLT. I’d do this progress checjer to see if he does need any support with communication. DC with ADHD are often functioning at a much younger age, so he’s probably at the maturity of a 4 year old but having to deal with much more at School than you would expect for the average 4 year old.

You say he reacts violently when you try to impose any boundaries. Do you think there is a chance that he has PDS tendencies?

You have wildly unrealistic expectations about the support available, sorry. I wish mroe parents understood and knew that a diagnosis doesn't lead to a magic wand. There is no magic fix for ADHD.

It sounds like a lot of chopping and changing meds imo. Let things settle and see how next week goes at school.

What's his diet like?

Sorry about the typos.

The OP will be undoing this herself so will have more options open.

I’ve been having a think OP. I was going to suggest Art Therapy but you’ve said he’s not interested in crafts or art. How about Horse riding as a way of helping him to regulate? Especially if you can find a group where the instructors and horses are used to DC with ADHD.

Just want to say OP that we have a very similar child, age nearly 6, diagnosed with ADHD but likely Autistic as well. Always wanting the next thing, very low tolerance for if things go wrong, hyperfixations and absolutely bouncing off the walls at home. Things worse at home than out and about/at school, lots of masking!

What things do you have at home for him to burn off energy? Indoors we have a gorilla gym, climbing frame and trampoline. We are going to invest in a gymnastics bar and balance beam as well. We are actually moving house to have a bigger garden for him, which I know is a bit drastic! We find he needs constant access to things that meet his sensory needs, rather than trying to use them to calm him down once he's dysregulated.

I was also going to mention melatonin. We found some brands gave him a complete personality transplant and he became tearful and aggressive. We also found the 2ml too much so he has 1-1.5ml.

Feel free to PM me if you want someone to chat to.

My 6 yo doesn’t have adhd or asd. BUT he has just had a huge change in personality from happy and easy going to angry, ungrateful, spoilt and difficult. He will ask for something and be told no and just not be able to accept it’s a no.
will stomp, slam doors, throw things, shout and sulk. Sometimes hurts his sisters. So it’s just something I’ve been down about - so sad to see personality change! Wanted to mention even though we have no SEN

At this age children have a hormone spike that can turn even the most mild child into a rager. It’s very pronounced in children with ADHD and they can be suddenly extremely aggressive. Also, developmentally they become more aware. Concepts such as death, passing of time, memory etc all get more pronounced. School becomes more of an issue. Social skills. All that big stuff. This isn’t him forever, so don’t feel too hopeless.
Soubds like you are doing so much amazing stuff with him - he is lucky to have you all on his team.

@Happytaytos What a woefully unhelpful post. I asked for constructive advice—did I ever say I believed there was a magic fix for ADHD? No. Your ‘unrealistic expectations’ remark is way off. If you can’t offer something genuinely useful, simply reconsider posting.

It's useful for you to realise this is a learning curve for you all and no amount of "support" will replace you learning on the job as parents. You need to work out what works. You need to look at his diet, his routine etc and trial and error things properly. Not a week here or there. Consistent months of the same thing. He's had 3 medication changes in probably a year. That's a lot of change especially on top of melatonin. He's anticipating school, hence lowering your demand and keeping as much routine as possible.

@CountFucula thanks for your thoughts on this. That’s a very interesting point and something a sports coach was telling me about a while ago for this age. Also, yes definitely have noticed concepts/subject matters like that have become more of a ‘thing’. Appreciate your ‘this is not them forever’ comment - need to hear positivity at this point too! I’m going through all these comments and it’s been incredibly helpful for me, thank you very much x

Re school, what sort of accommodations does he get there? Is there a good learning support dept? Does he have a support plan (IEP or whatever the current acronym is), or would you apply for an EHCP?
You say it’s a strict school - what’s his behaviour like there? Is he masking and letting it all out at home?

This was us a year ago. Massive sympathy. Only worth taking advice from other SEN parents.

things that have got us our happy (but hyper!) DC back:

1. ASD diagnosis. I know you said he doesn’t meet threshold but try parenting them as if they have asd anyway. ADHD was masking the asd and it wasn’t until DS was on the ADHD meds that the asd became obvious. DS takes Medikinet slow release.

2 - dyslexia diagnosis. Always suspected but it turns out he was really struggling at school not only with masking all day but also with dyslexia 3 - move to a special school. DS presents as “normally” so this surprised an awful lot of people / got some judgement. After a year he’s happy again. 4 - keep going with melatonin if it’s helping with sleep (never heard about aggression, connection). It saved our lives. We / he had been long term exhausted 5 - read up on PDA profile. We actively removed all demands for several months to “reset” and are only now 8 months later beginning to reintroduce “demands”. Avoid setting yourselves up for failure by avoiding those who don’t “get it”. Make sure both parents are on board 100% or it doesn’t work.

good luck and trust your gut instinct
hugs

I think there is also a point where you need to mourn the other non ND-family you imagined. You will never be able to ask your child to put their socks on and they do it first time. You have to recognise that, accept it and then move on to cope with having to ask 40 times, having a chart for it, rewards etc. It's bloody exhausting but accepting it helps a little.

@Happytaytos If your contribution to a parent asking for help is simply to tell them they need to learn how to parent their child and lower their expectations, then I’m afraid we have very different ideas of what constitutes constructive advice.

Your tone is rather like something out of the ‘Daily Fail’. Perhaps your remarks are simply about you projecting your own experiences, but I posted asking other parents for constructive advice and experiences. Thankfully, plenty of people have managed to offer exactly that without the unnecessary condescension. Perhaps there’s a learning curve there for you!

I think you’re being unfair to @Happytaytos the reality is there is very little professional support available to kids with complex needs and most parents have to spend hours fighting to access what little there is or pay to go private.

Parenting the child you have in front of you is absolutely key, because no one will know your child like you do and while professionals have a body of knowledge, standardised treatment protocols often don’t work for individual children.

One thing that has helped my DD is learning to tolerate boredom. The dopamine seeking part of her bounces from one thing to another, everything is immediate and urgent but means she’s exhausted (but can’t sleep) and irritable because she’s always looking for the next thing. Working with her on small, low key activities - pairing socks, sorting cutlery, things that don’t feed the dopamine monster, having a short time during the day with nothing planned, helping her regulate - ie lots of sensory stuff like water play, baths, trampoline jumping, cold drinks through a straw (the sucking/blowing through a straw helps the nervous system settle. Have a look at stuff around window of tolerance. It’s primarily focussed around trauma response but the concept is helpful for any difficulties with emotional regulation. Getting to know your child’s window of tolerance, recognising when he’s hyper or hypo aroused will help you identify things to bring him back to his window of tolerance and slowly expand this.

How’s his emotional literacy and language? The more he is able to translate his physical feelings of upset, anger or distress into language the more he’ll be able to use words rather than behaviour to communicate.

I have a son with ADHD and this is a bit of a niche recommendation, but we found weighted blankets to work really well at night. If melatonin is causing a problem then perhaps you could try one?

@ExplodingSmittens I hear you. We do an awful lot of sport and clubs and are in the countryside every weekend, we live in the countryside really. Our DC often does long 8K bike rides with Dad, it's quite amazing for the health for also for regulation. It seems to works really well so we make it a regular feature x

@fuzzwuss thank you. I have hear about this, good idea!

@Lentilcakes it's a mixed bag. Great SEN person who is pushing for a lot of things across the school for all ages. School has been v tricky in this last year due to impulsivity, particularly in unstructured play at playtime. They clearly see a lot of potential, so are supporting but this year has been an uphill battle for sure.

@Clinicia this is all incredibly helpful. Thank you. Will look into all this. I hear you re only taking advice from other SEN parents. I can feel your emotional intelligence in this post! It heartens me to read such informative and positive responses. So glad I posted, I will indeed trust my gut. Really glad to hear your own plan is working for your family too. Many thanks to you x

Right, been there done that with bells on.

1. Equasym and Xaggitin are the same medication, just different release profiles. We had a spell of withdrawn and anxious on Xaggitin and the dose was too high. So do persist and watch for crash late afternoon.
2. If you have any issues after the meds wear off (once you think they are working in the daytime) then consider adding a non stimulant to improve behaviour in a more consistent way across the day.
3. A lot of this is totally consistent with ADHD. There does not need to be another answer. This is exactly what our DS was like at this age. The time frames for consequences etc need to be REALLY short. DS is 14 now and can work up to something at the end of the week but I would expect maybe an hour for your DS age.
4. I can't recommend ADHD Dude highly enough. I should get a commission. Please watch/sign up/listen. It will give you better expectations on rewards, wording of your interactions with DS, how to structure your/his lives.
5. I did not know that about melatonin - it didn't affect our DS that much - but at 12 he was on 2mg so I think the dose could be too high. My DS also has epilepsy and we thought the melatonin might be affecting that so we stopped. He mainly has problems falling asleep so we just accept he's late to go to bed and try and make sure he rests if he's not sleeping.