Has anyone else noticed their child is calmer when dad is away?

[gruntingandgroaning]

For a variety of reasons DH has been here all summer. My five year old son has been very unsettled, won’t even sit down to watch TV, climbing all over the sofas and jumping off, shouting rather than talking. It’s been hard work.

DH is not here this afternoon and we’ve come back and DS went upstairs and played with his toys. Then I put Toy Story on for him and he’s sitting quietly and watching it.

I don’t know what it is … I just can’t believe he’s the same child tbh?

From your beautifully concise description, it sounds as if when DH is around, your 5yr old is trying to attract attention. Is that your attention b/c you are, understandably, also interacting with DH or is that DH's attention?

Also, if your DH is not usually around, your DS may be testing boundaries and trying to work out how to interact. Does DH take an interest in him? respond to the antics? support you by dampening down the antics? (Does DH even notice?)

Two scenarios come to mind:
There's lots of documentation about when a forces parent comes home from a tour of duty and how DCs really struggle. Young DCs often feel possessive of resident parent and can view forces parent as a relative stranger who suddenly appears with full privileges)

I know a family which had a wild child DS but when he was on his own with mum, he was fine. His dad supported and encouraged 'boys will be boys'. It was infinitesimally subtle but the boy played up to his 'party dad' whilst strictly toeing the line for his sensible mum.

I also notice this. Ds here is 4. When him and DH are in close proximity there is constant poking / tickling / silly stuff going on! Neither of them can focus on much and there is a lot of play fighting and just general messing about! I am much more militant and structured 😅

Tbh I also have a friend who says that when we see them, she notices her son (6) is also silly around my DH!! Play fighting and general poking and retaliating games. I think it’s his personality type 😂 DH I mean

It's the opposite in my house 😂
My 8yr old is an angel, gets teeth cleaned goes to bed np when my dp is in on his own.

Yes mine are so much calmer as a rule when my husband is working away. They go to bed so easily when he’s not around. I think they get really excited to see him.
When DH is on annual leave and we are all at home I think it causes the children stress as my husband and I have differing hills we die on.
With me they know they won’t get junk food or excessive tv and with DH they know he wants them to tidy up their toys straight after they have played with them and expects them to help with small tasks. When it’s the two of us, they are always bouncing one parent to the other to try and get a better deal.
It results in tantrums when I say no or DH says no incase they can get the other parent to give in. When it’s just one of us around they know the boundary won’t be broken so they accept what we say.
They are 3 and nearly 5

I think kids need a bit of this, the silly wild creative daft time. As well as the sensible and structured. They're just kids after all.

They don’t play fight or anything but honestly DH does kind of ignore ds so maybe he’s trying to get his attention?