How can we handle constant rows between our teenage son and daughter?

[Missanne]

Looking to vent and hopefully get some advice. Ds is 19 and dd 13. Both great kids who have never once brought any trouble too us. However they are chalk and cheese ! Ds is quiet and shy and quite immature for his age. Dd is out going with lots of friends and is very mature for her age.
trouble is they niggle each other constantly, which inevitably ends up with them blowing up at each other . It causes so much stress for me and dp as we just want them to get along. I never had a brother so mixed sibling dynamics are really alien to me. Dp only has sisters and they are a lot older than him so he never had the close in age sibling dynamics.

so tonight we are out for dinner which ds unexpectedly paid for , this seemed to annoy dd for some reason and we had the moody looks for the rest of the evening. Ds even though he knows it’s winding her up persists in goading her until she explodes. She accused him of taking her picture and Snapchatting it but of course he denied it and there was no evidence as he deleted it. He says he didn’t do it she said he did , we are stuck in between like always!! Please tell me this will end and that we are not alone in this type of situation . How can I possibly be balanced to them both in this ? Give support to dd and try to make ds see her point of view when all he does is deny it and say I’m always on her side !

Do they need to spend that much time together? One of them is an adult and the other is old enough to not have constant adult supervision. I think they need to spend less time together if the dynamics are this tricky. Your son should be launching into adulthood, not at home annoying his sister.

Secondly, at 19, he’s an adult and knows better. I’d be telling him to knock it off and take the high road or find alternative accommodation. My eldest is not yet 19, but I’m very clear with her that as she’s 5 years older than her sibling, my expectations for her behaviour are greater. She needs to model good behaviour for the rest of them.

Ds just finished college this summer and is looking for a carpentry apprenticeship, he works part time at a restaurant to fund himself and his car. Some days they are great around each other yet other times it’s hell!
I am constantly telling him to act his age and show and example to her …. It works then it all starts again….
i suppose as we all live together me and dp try to do things as a family as much as possible as one day they will not be living with us , so time is limited

so tonight we are out for dinner which ds unexpectedly paid for , this seemed to annoy dd for some reason and we had the moody looks for the rest of the evening.

I'm confused - why did your son's generosity bother your daughter? And did either of you tell her to wind her neck in when she was being rude and ungrateful for dinner?